"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion — to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."~from ISAIAH 61 Bible verse for this Blog

APOLOGY to READERS who followed a SEARCH to HERE & didn't find it

On July 18, 2017, I drafted almost 3000 blog posts that I had published since 2008 when I began blogging, rather than edit each one. So if you clicked here from somewhere else and ended up with the post unavailable or error, I am sorry but this is why. It'd be too much work for me to go back and fix them. There's an explanation on 7/19/17 as I'm still learning.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

THIS IS MY STORY... Part IV

(for previous parts see links at the end)

STEPS of FAITH...
a LETTER from CHRIST ... a REFLECTION

"...Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ Himself wrote it—not with ink, but with God's living Spirit; not chiseled into stone, but carved into human lives—and we publish it."
(verse 3 from "The Message")



As I go backward and walk through these STEPS of FAITH, I realize that some of my deepest pains and greatest hurts, God has usually turned them around and made them my deepest & greatest passions, or I'm able to use that pain for His gain by sharing that portion of my life to someone else in a difficult or similar place. I truly believe that is part of why God allows this and we are meant to share with one another and encourage one another.

As I go back and reread each part that I have shared, I recall parts that I did not share, wondering whether I should mention this or that. Then I wait for God's spirit to move me or speak. By MOVING FORWARD in my life to the wonderful MIRACLE of adopting two blessings on my life, I had overlooked the 7 years since my graduation, followed by my mental health setback then marriage.

I was afforded a wonderful opportunity right out of college, with my college's summer enrichment program and also was given an outstanding privilege to be given a teaching contract at the school where I had student taught. That school, those students and staff, still hold a place in my heart and a fond memory as one of the BEST, favorite year of teaching. It was truly a dream assignment of teaching Kindergarten through 4th grade bilingually in English & Spanish!!! I treasure that time. I also worked with their cheerleaders as I had other teams since high school as their advisor/trainer/teacher. This truly kept the JOY of the Lord before me & each cheerleader remains engraved in my heart through the many years. I was hired & paid through the public schools but working in a private school, so it was a double blessing. The sad part was having to leave and be laid off after only 3 years, last ones hired, first ones laid off... very untimely.

And that was not in the current economic turmoil but in the late 70s.

We had just found our ideal home instead of renting, against my husband's wishes (at that time), we purchased our 7 and a half acres of paradise and our home since then, among the pines & beauty of God's refuge for me. Then and now. A dream place come true, though the house was bigger than what we need.

The beginning of the 80s, brought the completion of another dream for me before the adoption of our two 3 year olds. I bought my first horse, a purebred Arabian colt, a dream of mine since childhood to own a horse. But this was a newborn and one that I would have the delight of training or being trained. Trust me there are many lessons learned as you 'break a horse', with no background in the how-to's and take care of them. At this same time, we boarded a horse, since I could not ride mine. The owners were glad to have me take their horse out and keep him exercised during the week. I often walked my little horse along side.

We also opened our home to teenagers that year, 13 foster kids in total, but not all at once, living in our home. I think the most was 6. We started out with teenage moms, trying to keep their babies (the reason I wanted to do this). It was during this time, I realized that teaching other's kids was not enough for me, as I had told my husband it would be. I was now longing to BE a REAL mother. I wanted to have my own children and started looking into the available possibilities. My husband unaware. He already had fathered a beautiful daughter (a year older than me) with his first wonderful wife & mother of her, so it just was not something he had in our plans and we had discussed this before we married if I'd be alright with not having children. And I had told him, being a teacher was the ideal way of surrounding your life with kids, a good variety and not having to take them home (though there were many, that I would have loved to have had as my own). Yet it was at this time, I wanted the fulfillment of "having your own kids"my own.

[I'm leaving out two profound stories from this time in my life, even though they probably had much to do with my future MIRACLE and my spiritual life lessons: one with having children and the other with a horse (my so called near fate with death) which was from being thrown and fracturing my skull instead of breaking just a shoulder or hip like most. Yes, both of these impacted my life (and others significantly) many decisions and choices were perhaps altered because of these episodes, but as previously noted, I won't share other's lives or what may be forever written indelibly online as soon as you publish it publicly.]

My main reason is because I do not want you to focus on my story or the details but on HIS redemptive story in me. It is through God, His WORD and my faith walk with Him, that I have been transformed and my mind renewed through His powerful truths.

However, there is one point I will share from one of these two; a rather important part from the horse fall. While in the hospital, because of my own thinking of a near death experience, being unable to move from the waist down, thinking this was it, paralyzed or dead: a deep sense of the importance in prayer was stirred in me. It was at the time I was new to my second church, and people I hardly knew from that church, came to visit & pray for me, & with me, telling me others in the church were praying too. This moved me deeply and touched me eternally.

Then my own sister (who lived in California) came & visited... this is why I was sure this must be it for me. So I too prayed fervently.

I wanted my life to make a difference. I wanted my faith to increase and my power in praying just like theirs. I also prayed fervently as regards the other untold part as well because God's mercy and forgiveness is overwhelming!
When you spend time before Him, seeking His heart, He really sees your heart and He truly knows your heart. He takes us beyond the pit and resurrects His Spirit in us. God truly knows the desires of our hearts and also when we are truly contrite before Him. He used this experience to draw me into a deeper prayer life.

God answered these prayers and drew me to HIM at that time, and into that deep desire to grow closer in PRAYER with scripture. So my intimacy with God reached a beautiful new level. I had ascended to a new level up the mountaintop with Him from the many valleys.

...end of Part IV...

My STEPS of FAITH are
being made
firm
on the ROCK since
being laid
in the sand


Thank you for reading through this, I do hope you'll continue with me.

[I only wrote up to Part VII. (7 parts) throughout August and an ending]

[sequence is reverse order]

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

THIS IS MY STORY... Part III

STEPS of FAITH...
a LETTER from CHRIST
... a REFLECTION...

"...Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ Himself wrote it—not with ink, but with God's living Spirit; not chiseled into stone, but carved into human lives—and we publish it."
(verse 3 from "The Message")
Yes, from that moment forward, I was personally committed to being sold out and radical for JESUS! Really... everyone who knows me knows that... just maybe not "since when" however ... a question even I had... [I did not always live like I should and my choices were not]

Even though my life was filled with setbacks and some pretty major rebellions on my part, I did become rather involved with church activities and even teaching younger ones than myself as a volunteer at a very early age.

I was a rather active youth, leader, organizer, in fact I involved my entire neighborhood with everything often starting by age 10; from a morning daycare center with organized activities in our walk out basement, every morning for 3 hours for 10 cents... a day, to give the moms a break and even field trips for the entire day every once in awhile; recreational games to carnival events or shows for fund raising for causes like Muscular Dystrophy for Jerry's Kids and the JFK (John F. Kennedy) Library. I did the same kind of things in my school. As I finished my 8th grade, my parents expected me to continue as my older siblings in a private high school. I clearly told my dad that I wanted to go to a public high school with my friends so I could save money and work for going to a private college. He ended up agreeing reluctantly.

Because of going to public high school from 8th grade, I needed to go to a public jr. high school for one year also. It was in that year of transition that I hit my first setback. I was raped that summer as a young, undeveloped, naive, innocent victim... offered money not to tell. And I never did, but it was a secret that altered me for a very long time. I forgave the person and promised not to tell. I was not aware at that time, all that this would impact in my future and in me. I really wanted to forget it ever happened, as I sat in my bathroom crying, then I bathed & bathed, and no matter how long or shriveled I was, I could not get rid of that 'dirty' feeling, nor the hurt or pain. I barely knew anything about sexuality because I still had not yet developed or blossomed; nobody had talked to me about the REAL 'birds & the bees' beyond our 5th grade church curriculum, but shortly thereafter I went through the change & my sister had the honors of telling my cousin and I all we needed for taking care of our hygiene, but not one talk about the rest, except what I overheard from friends. Innocence through and through and naive, but I was still a curious one. So I researched and learned alot on my own.

In high school, I tried to be involved in all the popular 'stuff' like cheerleading, student government, clubs, dramas & musicals, dances but I also had to keep my grades up. I also was a part of Youth for Christ. My first year, in high school, I became a teacher assistant for different teachers, one of which was Spanish. This meant I kept the classroom records and helped out in the language lab.

Without my parent's approval, right before my 16th birthday, I went and got a job at a neighborhood drug store with a Bridgemann's Ice Cream restaurant part. Shortly after that, I got another job, working with Adult Ed, once a week, in the Spanish lab, probably because I knew it from helping out during the day with my classmates for our Spanish teachers.

There was a group of us that were very close to our Spanish teacher and since I was a vice president of the Spanish club moved to president, that became a very busy year. I really respected and looked up to my Spanish teacher. He was well liked by many and had a great sense of humor besides the ability to challenge each of us to attain more than just the language in our classes. He was only my teacher that first year, because he moved on to another high school in a promotion as assistant vice principal, but because of the evening Adult Ed we all stayed in touch through graduation. Then afterwards, in college, I ended up working in a program that he was the director of on the West Side, teaching English to Spanish speaking.

Our teacher/student relationship moved into a working relationship and then one of colleagues. By the time I had finished college, we were beyond that... in August of the year I graduated from college, we were married.

I have left out many of the details here. One of the main ones, is upon making this declaration to my parents, I chose to tell them alone. BIG MISTAKE. I fell apart, probably from the excessive guilt of keeping this as a secret, like so many of their family secrets that my parents had kept from us, leaving their past in the dark as well.

I ended up having a 'psychotic episode' and being placed in a locked ward 2 weeks and heavily sedated at first (I could write a book on the effects of this alone and hardly ever thought I'd share this in such a public place but I see it as a greater opportunity to profess the Jesus who saved and saves me, giving me ample grace to live my life fully for Him). These were TWO weeks that changed my life forever. Stripped me of who I was and had achieved in becoming. Took away all my self confidence and trust in myself & allowing others to control me. I fought hard to prove that I knew what I was doing; it was my parents who had a difficult time adjusting to my choice. God was right there through it all.

I read from His Word daily, mostly the Psalms. I relied on Him to renew my mind though I hardly had an understanding of all that this would entail. I was determined to not change my choice. They would see. My father told me that if it would help me to get out of this place that he put me in, then to go ahead and marry him but never bring him to our home. I definitely was a strong willed person but loved God with all my heart, trusting Him to get me out of this.

Needless to say, my parents were not in agreement with me marrying him for many reasons: he was older, Mexican American, and had been married before. They never spoke to me about being unequally yoked or any of the many other conflicts that would arise, but I was once again determined to prove them wrong, rebel to their authority over me and follow my heart or do it my own way.

[I have much to say on this topic for why people should marry the person that God designs for them with the same beliefs and fervently believe that parents should pray for their children's mates; plus the reasons to wait. Yet that is not my intention here at this point on my blog.]

I had much to repent about in that 2nd decade of my faith walk! All I will say is that rebellion is a hard root sin to uncoil and to dig up. I learned THIS through many hard lessons, by not being aware of the spiritual truths and God's order, or willing to surrender. It takes alot to break through the holds of disobedience and rebellion: many years of toil and heart aches.

Many messes that I kept thinking I could make right. I just wanted to prove for many years that I could make this marriage work, whatever it took, even when I doubted and wondered. Then I began to rebel even against my marriage and certainly the one I married. Not too submissive, right? But I kept thinking how could I submit or give up my control, especially with someone that does not know God or think that church is important or believe in Jesus.

Then I wanted to DO like all the other marriages: have a family, and that will make it right. I kept going deeper and deeper over my head, just holding on to "I will turn this around and make it right... my way." It needed to be God's way and it never was ...

How do I go back and undo all the MESSES? How do I start over again? How far do I need to go back to clean up my MESS? How many times do I need to say 'I'm sorry' and try to change?

These were some very crucial years. My mid 20s to my mid 30s were probably my most trying years of my steps of faith, changes and growths not visible to the eye and some real steps backwards when I should have been in the years of flourishing, I was in wildernesses, deserts and some very wicked places that I had no business being in.

Before we brought kids into our lives, even 13 foster kids, I learned some very important truths.You see I had been in church all these years, never missed a Sunday. I was still in the church that I was raised in, up to that point. Going alone every Sunday. It was during these years, that I went through some church changes also. I struggled with being condemned by the church I was raised in for marrying a divorced man, denied communion. So I made a transition from my 'root' church to another church of an evangelical nature and then finally one more transition to a Pentecostal church. With each of these transitions came new growth and a new level of spirituality. But it was outside of these church walls, when I went to a Basic Youth Conference, as an adult, that I learned the first truth to shake me up; and that was, how I needed to go back and ask for my father's forgiveness for my rebellion, which I did.(I have shared that before here on my blog)

I am not recommending that people need to change churches to grow spiritually. But through these 3 different churches, I grew through a new season of my life and each have contributed greatly into the person I am and have become. These church changes were not because of the church or leadership or church family, at the time I changed. I have no lame excuses. They were because of me, myself, and I, stretching and being transformed. I was seeking MORE! I was in my childhood church up until my mid 20s. I was in the evangelical church, a good 7 years and since then, I have become part of a beautiful pentecostal church. Yet when asked what I am? I answer firmly, I'm a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ, always have & always will be. I have been very blessed through each of these churches for different reasons. I grew in my understanding of my faith, the minute I started reading and searching the scriptures. Studying God's Word opened my eyes and my life. A big part of my faith walk was serving. I never stopped as I was learning and growing, I was sharing, with either the younger ones or the adults, and they with me.

It was the summer that we were going to legally adopt our two kids, a son & a daughter of my husband's niece (A HUGE MIRACLE for me) that I learned through the example of our then 5 yr.old son, what being baptized was all about. Because he decided that he wanted to be baptized in the river, with our evangelical church. I too realized that this was how I could have that fresh start in life and decided to be baptized again as an adult. I listened to him explain to the pastor about being in a new family and being adopted as I had shared with them many times that's how God sees us, and out of the mouth of this precious child, that knew no religious jargon, came these words, " it's like being 'born again'. I get a new name, a new home, a new family, a new church, everything is starting all over again. Pretty soon school will be starting. I'm a new person." And I knew deep in my spirit that is just what I wanted too. The pastor advised me that I need not, since I already had been baptized as an infant, and not to expect the Holy Spirit to come out of the heavens, like with Jesus. I chuckled and told him, "no, no way" but that is exactly what I was expecting.

...end of Part III...
(serious unraveling here, huh?)

PLEASE
STAY TUNED
(there is more)

Parts before this, laying out the STEPS OF FAITH as groundwork:

Thursday, August 5, 2010

THIS IS MY STORY... PART II

STEPS of FAITH...

a LETTER from CHRIST

... a REFLECTION...

"...Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ Himself wrote it—not with ink, but with God's living Spirit; not chiseled into stone, but carved into human lives—and we publish it."
(verse 3 from "The Message")
Yes, I have taken you through the core words of my blog, MAZES, MESSES, MIRACLES revealing only that it encompasses my personal life testimony but STILL I have not shared my story.(shame on me) Those words were not chosen by me, but given to me and slowly it has dawned on me why.

SO,
Am I purposefully meandering and postponing this by just giving you bits & pieces or am I walking you through a MAZE to get there?


(to just arrive at a closed gated like this)
(no, definitely not

If any of you knew me well, you'd know better. If any of you have written out a 50+ life testimony, you'll understand. Without a B.C.(before Christ) moment or a miraculous conversion or a special pivotal point in your life, it's not so easy to give the WHOLE unholy, hole filled story ...

I'm sure that by now you may feel that way, if you've taken your time to follow along with this so far (I'm sorry). But I'm back to my same dilemma of "where do I begin...?" My life testimony is not so cut and dry. Maybe it is yet to be and not yet done deal. Maybe it is in the making, as I sort through my 50+ yrs. of life. That's more than 5 decades of God working on me and in me with moments that are so significant to me, but maybe not to anyone else, without THAT MOMENT of conversion that stands out from the rest of my life and says "YES" this is IT,...when your testimony begins... began... or is it yet to BE!



I have spent the last year soul searching, reading other's testimonies and the how-to's, so you'd think that I would finally have this to a fine art and a masterpiece of God's work in me; a tapestry of pieces woven together; unraveling fabric; mended; unstitched; backstitched and hopefully hemstitched... sewn together finally in one piece, much like the many MAZES I have wandered through of His redemptive story in me... so please bear with me... I promise by the end of this year (lol) this will be more clear. Much of life is a process, and we go through stages, seasons, and steps of growth; my faith has been through the same kind of a walk; yes, just like the dancers in many of my posts leading up to this:

STEPS of FAITH

I was born into a faith believing, 'church' going family, that I had always thought was 'normal', until when I look back in retrospect with many insights from others.

It was not the kind of church that I belong to now (I'm trying not to name denominations, to not step on anyone's beliefs, so I'm trying to walk carefully here-forgive me anyone, if I say things that offend you about your church. This is just for me personally, I do not intend to judge anyone or their church) so we did not sit around and read or share the Bible together, but a beautiful family Bible always sat on our living room coffee table like a centerpiece. I think I might have been the only one who sat for hours, at many different times, going through that big red book... and my, how I loved the pictures in this book from a very young age to even now, as it is my family keepsake that I treasure. I even loved the back of the book where it gave meanings for names... like mine "a pearl". I so enjoyed even the texture of this book's cover. And it was red...a very significant color, that years later, I came to learn signified the blood of Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world. I never knew that there were people, who did not know this as I was growing up and even the ones around me, who did know this truth, never spent time talking about it or singing about it or even acknowledging Him as their Savior.

Our family did say prayers together before meals known as 'grace'. Now that was an unusual way to use that word for the prayer that we would bless our food with before eating and there are ones for afterwards also for giving thanks, but we never said those. These were prayers that were rote prayers, many I remember still to this day. Most are beautifully written but I just wondered why we never shared from our own words, our own hearts. Yet these rote prayers formed a wonderful basis to build upon.

I started my school year in Kindergarten, right across the street from my house, in a public school. But then for the next eight years, I walked nine long blocks to the school associated with my church, to be trained in my faith, the disciplines and doctrines of my church. It also gave me the opportunity to meet others of the same beliefs and training and some really wonderful teachers. The added benefit was you're right next to the church, always open to you for the significant training & events that they use to mark new moments of growth and understanding (and the people who knew the MOST about our beliefs and that 'big red book').

These were such momentous times! You would study really hard and then the day would come to show how much you've grown or learned. (side note: since I was always the shortest, I was always in front, usually number one - now that really made me feel special and also, I'd better know ALL I was expected to know from their books on faith or significant people known as saints for being in front, I'd be one called on for sure). Since I was a jabberwocky, it was good that they were set answers. (I did say "was" but I guess it's "am" ... does writing that way count too?)

I might have good grades in most subjects but my conduct was most often the cause for me to be in "hot waters" at home and also cause for disciplinary action at school like at home. It never changed. Quite the curious child. Quite often the questioning one. Quite the eager one and very strong willed! Very frequently the one to shake her hand off with the answers or be talking any way. Not so much a trouble maker but definitely had moments of trouble. Many memories of these and moments sent to confess my wrongs & make them right... if you could by just repeating the same prayers. I guess similar to writing over and over the same thing on the blackboard. I wonder still about the other kids, like the one who ate my crayons with my paste; or the boys I kicked their shins on the playground because they pulled our scarves down... NO TESTIMONY or TRANSFORMATION in this part of my story.

But it was in this place, after a vocational day that I was in church and prayed to ask Jesus into my life in a special way. It was not one of those significant 'event' days, called sacraments (three of those had already taken place by this time); nor was it a day I had to be there. I had fully received and completed those stages that marked my religious growth. It was a day when I just wanted to be there. When I felt drawn to be there.

It was in sixth grade. That year, I had a wonderful teacher (a nun from the order of the Sisters of St. Joseph) that I respected and liked very well. She just had a special glow about her and I wanted to be just like her. I had already been through confession & now it was the regular weekly Saturday event. I had the joy and privilege of receiving communion of Jesus Christ every week, sometimes many times throughout the week but only once a day. I had confirmed my beliefs and asked for the Holy Spirit to teach me how to be fruitful in my faith, by my own choice, accepting the faith of my parents as my own and the responsibility of making it my own.

Yet on this day, I remember saying a prayer from my heart, not from any book or any rote form, that I told Jesus, I really want to KNOW Him in my life. Without even knowing the scripture or that we need to pray a prayer I asked Jesus to come into my heart; and shine in my life like my teacher's glow; so I could know, love & serve Him in whatever I may DO but let me be a witness to Him. I clearly remember telling Jesus that I want to know Him more, love Him more and use my life to serve Him better with my whole mind, my whole heart and my whole soul. Would He consider being my Friend and help me with this? Teach me all that I wanted to know in that 'big red book'. Yes, this is a very significant 'step of faith' in my story.


...and that was the start...
PART II

oops... it's beginning to unravel or I am

[but I am also a bit disillusioned and disappointed as I share this, please PRAY for me]

Thanks to YOU who are encouraging me through this!

a new beginning



To my faithful visitors;
all of you who spend your valuable time here with me
I do appreciate you so much!

Thank you for taking your time to visit!

Love, Sweet blessings & Hugs!

DIOS TE BENDIGA
GOD BLESS YOU

always

Peggy