All day, I have put off writing, as I ponder and remember you this day, or might I say, lament and rejoice - can these words even go together? Can one grieve and lament yet still rejoice as one remembers a loved one? - a loved one gone too soon from your life at only 30, 4 years after our mother, 8 years before our father ... on this day ... November 2nd, known as All Soul's Day (in the Catholic Church; preceded yesterday by All Saint's Day) and in the Mexican culture Dia de los Muertos - Day of the Dead {somewhat morbid expression} however, all of this has been swirling through my head since midnight, unable to sleep once again with tvs blaring until 4 a.m. so I turn to my You Version to read what the day holds in God's Word plus two Bible studies: one in the book of Philippians and the other "Living Faith" (from some letters written in 1 & 2 Timothy; Titus; James; 1, 2, 3 John) so I think about writing a letter to you - I understand that there's healing in doing this.
But I procrastinate and stay away from that ... I avoid grieving and even lamenting, since I am just learning, trying to focus on just remembering you, or some memories of you, with you ... pondering whether to drive out to Resurrection Cemetery, when I know that you're not there ... then I think about writing this blog and I search for previous ones I've written, knowing that many of my blog posts were 'drafted' and since this is November, often I was daily writing about something I am thankful for ... a daily challenge!
Of course, without a doubt, I am thankful that you were my brother, our youngest brother, my baby brother that tagged along often with me, although you were 6 years younger. We shared alot in common ... alot of dreams and a heart to serve people and being a teacher. You had gifts I didn't have ... yet since you have gone, I found out that some of them that I admired so in you and mom, were there inside of me too! That artistic side. So I go into my room to get my laptop & begin, I turn on the closest lamp and there it is - my greatest treasure from you {besides "Eagle's Wings" and John Michael Talbot} your painting that hangs on my wall:
But I procrastinate and stay away from that ... I avoid grieving and even lamenting, since I am just learning, trying to focus on just remembering you, or some memories of you, with you ... pondering whether to drive out to Resurrection Cemetery, when I know that you're not there ... then I think about writing this blog and I search for previous ones I've written, knowing that many of my blog posts were 'drafted' and since this is November, often I was daily writing about something I am thankful for ... a daily challenge!
Of course, without a doubt, I am thankful that you were my brother, our youngest brother, my baby brother that tagged along often with me, although you were 6 years younger. We shared alot in common ... alot of dreams and a heart to serve people and being a teacher. You had gifts I didn't have ... yet since you have gone, I found out that some of them that I admired so in you and mom, were there inside of me too! That artistic side. So I go into my room to get my laptop & begin, I turn on the closest lamp and there it is - my greatest treasure from you {besides "Eagle's Wings" and John Michael Talbot} your painting that hangs on my wall:
[Gary's winter scene painting]
It's an original!
It's yours!
It's mine...
and so much like a farm down the road here in the winter
just not with the image of mountains in the background
or maybe they're just clouds that arise in my eyes
I run my fingers over your name autographed in the right corner
I am so thankful!
... as I now reflect on how many losses have taken place, even just this past month of October (my one fall month that used to be when I could enjoy the fall without recalling all the people that are gone from this earthly place to a heavenly home, as I cling to the hope I have in this but now October has become scarred by losses too). My 'grieving time' now spans over more months and my heart grows heavy and weary, if it weren't for my hope in Christ Jesus.
I recall how I desperately needed to do something since the end of 2009, so I chose a series from Grief Share finally in 2011 while I was still in Mexico and signed up to receive emails from them for an entire year to help me deal or cope with loss: "Journey from Mourning to Joy" (is what I called it on my blog) but Grief Share calls the study "Help for the Journey" {don't search for mine, because all 6 weeks have been drafted, but I was able to go back in the drafts and reread Day 1 of Week 1, the comments of support and I learned so much still ... } so I highly recommend going to Grief Share and also signing up for their emails, or now you can buy the book "Through a Season of Grief: Devotions for Your Journey from Mourning to Joy".
As I read and thought, I realized that God had this in mind when He guided me to begin two reading plans as a study in the book of Philippians with Love God Greatly; and "Refined -Finding Joy in the Midst of the Fire" with Carol McLeod, knowing that I needed this to help me through in His Strength, His JOY so that I might rejoice after all these years and no longer grieve.
I choose JOY (and I go back and reread another delightful reading plan for today from Jennifer Camp, LOOP author)
| "Daughter, I pour my light into you. I guide you and do not leave you. I have good plans for your life. I love when you step toward Me to realize them.
There is discouragement along the way-and distraction, too. But I keep walking ahead, and I reach out my hand, and I do not forsake you. I do not abandon you.
The path is filled with rock that can cause you to stumble-and weeds that entangle and attempt to trip you up. But I clear the path, in the midst of difficulty and sometimes rocky roads.
I clear the path.
My voice in you, these whispers to your heart, my words a blade of truth that swipes away uncertainty and doubt. Walk in the way I've prepared for you, this way full of twists and turns and hills and valleys, deserts and lush mountain-scapes.
I've walked this path. I walk it with you. How could I leave you?
You were made for this-to be with Me, walking this path, the path we walk together. Faith is not knowing the details of what the future holds, but trusting Me to be with you in it.
So keep walking with Me, in faith, along the path I've prepared just for you. That is where you will cling to Me most tightly, where you will feel my gaze steadfast upon you, when I will hold you.
Daughter, I never let you go. "
|
God is so good, just the perfect word
I know HE has guided every thing perfectly
lines up whatever crosses my day
lines up whatever crosses my day
| "A Prayer for the Grieving Heart" by Jennifer O. White My heart is broken but You are near. My spirit is crushed, but You are my rescuer. Your Word is my hope. It revives me and comforts me in especially now. My soul faints, but you are the breath of life within me. You are my help, the One who sustains me. I am weak but You are strong. You bless those who mourn, and I trust You to bless me and my family with all that we need. You will rescue me from this dark cloud of despair because You delight in me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen." |
"Day of the Dead"
which is not for believers
because of the tradition to prepare a meal
set out for the dearly departed to come back
because of the tradition to prepare a meal
set out for the dearly departed to come back
for we believe
in
LIFE and the LIVING
our daily Bread and the Living Water
our daily Bread and the Living Water
we know the
LIFE GIVER
who can speak words
of
LIFE
not
death, despair, depression
and so can we over ourselves
over our loved ones
and so can we over ourselves
over our loved ones
HE
raises
the dead and redeems
the lost
HE
breathes
LIFE
into dry bones
HE
helps us recall
the day of the
LIVING
and
our treasures in memories
as
HE
lifts our heads
giving us strength
filling us with
JOY
so
we
can
REJOICE
as we
REMEMBER
looking
forward to
what lies ahead
Such a victorious ending to this sweet tribute to your brother...as you grieve and recall memories good and some not so good, please hold on to the many promises you have in this post and most especially that our Lord will "clear the path" and "never let you go"....praying for the Comforter to do just that and give you peace in your heart and mind...love you, sis....
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