TRUST through ...

tears, trials, troubles; tomorrows
whatever you may face
We need to
TRUST
God
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If you recall
I took a quiz at the beginning of 2025and this was my result

so as 2025 was catapulting ahead

through so much

I hoped I might get to this

One Word in the

before TRUST would

take me beyond my human limits

so I would hold on closely to my

TRUST in GOD

who's never failed me

when I arrived at that final testing of

the last breath of my spouse

and would I be able to

TRUST GOD

with the endless prayers

I have prayed for him to receive & know

Jesus, as the Son of God & his personal 

need of Jesus as Savior.

I'd love to write that wonderful 

testimony of salvation glory

but I don't & won't know

this side of eternity.

BUT God ...

He knows, He knew and He heard

every prayer I uttered and so,

I've come to that place of

TRUST

with peace and comfort

that it was never in my hands or words prayed

but always in God's hands & will, just as

John 3:16

declares

{oh, & by the way, the week prior to his death,

our daughter read him that exact verse and

she believes he's in heaven;

he died at 3:16 pm}

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Since the beginning of 2025 & half of last year

I & another were his caregivers as he

went from hospital home care to hospice 

to palliative care and back to hospital 

to a veteran placement in a home

over Labor Day weekend;

just like in 2018

when this decline started with a stroke,

sent home on hospice to die & he

recovered in 3 months.

We decided that

we had to get him home again,

which we did that Tuesday.

So he was there until Saturday ... 3:16

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At the start of 2025, after

TRUST

became my One Word

I began a OBS & reading of Lysa's

"I Want to Trust You ..."

but I never finished with the group

so as this week came 

and this One Word was finally the Word

after 

Tears, Fears, Questions,

Gathering, Broken,

Moving through Suffering 

as weekly One Words

I was determined to go back to this 

TRUST 

Journey book

along with the main book & study guide

to see if I could get further this time 

or better yet finish

but

I haven't 

{at the time of writing this blog,

I just finished the chapter where I left off}

So the one that I'm beginning now is

"And I Didn't Want to Be Alone"

and I'm stuck here

even though

I'm not Alone

God is with me & He has been each day

closer & closer

I'm tempted to skip ahead

{and I just might because just look at the

titles of these chapters that follow}

"How Can I Trust God When I Don’t Understand What He Allows?" "How Can I Trust God When the Person Who Hurt Me Got Away with It?" "What We Don’t Trust We Will Try to Control"

and there's a couple more including 
the final one with where I really would love to be
"The Secret to Really Healing"
{yes, I am one of those kind of readers;that love to skip to the finish & read}
but, in this case, as in most,it's the process & workingTHROUGH it
that completes this journey in
TRUST
or at least builds one lesson upon the next
one healing to the next
one step to the next
UNTIL ...
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When I began this blog post and perhapseven this journey, I never plannedon any of what I shared above
nor did I have more to add from ourScriptures or Reflection Readings(all good & beneficial)
I just keep thinking(which causes me to do searches)why I am not crying in my grief?{still so fresh}I came across various responses, articles and other blogs {even a really wonderful one youcantrusthim.com}that I thought I'd be sharing.
However,it's what AI gave methat I'd like to end with because it surprised me:

"Trusting through tears often involves relying on faith and hope during difficult times, recognizing that pain can lead to growth and deeper understanding. Many find comfort in spiritual beliefs, knowing that their struggles are seen and understood by a higher power. Understanding Trust Through Tears The Nature of Grief Grief often brings deep emotional pain, leading to tears. This response is natural and signifies the heart's struggle with loss. In times of sorrow, trusting in a higher power can provide comfort and hope. Many find solace in the belief that God is aware of every tear shed, as expressed in various spiritual teachings. The Role of Faith Faith can be a source of strength during difficult times. It encourages individuals to trust that their pain has purpose. Many believe that God keeps a record of their tears, symbolizing His intimate awareness of their suffering. This belief can help individuals feel less alone in their grief. Moving Forward Navigating through grief involves acknowledging emotions and allowing oneself to heal. Trusting in God’s promises can provide a pathway to peace. Many find that, over time, their sorrow can transform into hope, leading to renewed relationships and personal growth. Practical Steps to Trust Acknowledge Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Seek Support: Connect with others who understand your pain. Engage in Prayer or Meditation: This can help foster a sense of peace and connection. Reflect on Positive Memories: Remembering joyful moments can aid in healing. Trusting through tears is a journey that many undertake, finding strength in faith and community as they navigate their grief."

*I realize this does not actually answer why I am not crying; but I got some answers elsewhere like I thought: numbness; in shock; delayed or anticipatory grief (having grieved throughout the losses); fear (that I won't stop - it'll be too intense or I'll lose control)& complicated relationship.

ADDED NOTE: After publishing (of course) I found some more at Grief Healing (like last week) and also a YV grief.bites plan "When Grief & Loss Become a Spiritual Battlefield", which reminded me of some very good truths and the enemy's playbook of moves to get us when we're down ... I'm not looking for something to justify "no tears", I'm really hoping that with all that's been going on that I am not growing cold, becoming less compassionate & feeling for others and have somehow held back for some unconscious reason from my past reactions & fears. I knew that this end was coming just not when and in many ways, I've been preparing too in these last 7 years. I know that God will (and has frequently) turned my story around for the good. I have re-watched what I spoke impromptu at the Fort Snelling honor service and in my demeanor, I still saw love & compassion. The enemy cannot steal that too from me, I won't let myself be robbed any further in my life. I won't act as if I don't care just because others may be glad it's over (that's a long 'battle' story) yet even that will strengthen me & continue to open doors. My life would have missed out on so many good people, if God was not for me or in this with me to see me through (almost 50 years of marriage) and 55 years of knowing each other. It's complicated - so unless you know me, and know him; you probably will not understand. Yet tears are not the only indicators of grief. I know I can TRUST God with all of this - that's what matters. I have learned many lessons on getting through & although I did not share images this week, photography & music are my soothing care & love from my precious Bella, as if she knows how I'm feeling & when I need her unconditional love.

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The songs that have helped me get through this week; & almost 2 months already {in addition to the Playlist of songs by Lysa TerKeurst in her "Trust Journey" book} but not 2 of these 3:

💙"Do I Trust You, Lord?" Twila Paris

💚💙"Trust in You" Lauren Daigle

and The Blue Book's "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus" ... 

--- playing on repeat in my head & heart. Music always helps on our journey; nature walks in the autumn warm colors; and memories in photos.

This weekend of All Saint's Day & All Soul's Day; both days are Mexico's Dia de los Muertos; which brings me way back (1990) to another loved ones' early death at 30, when I cried & cried long afterwards & often, I could not cope & I miss my youngest brother, Gary, so much; like it was just yesterday and yet a lifetime ago; after my mother(1986), then father (1998), then most recently our older brother (2023). With all the practice of lament for so many losses in our family of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, I should really be a pro at Grief Share & this death process, but this one, indeed is different - up close, personal & so much to take care of ... but still time to rest, read & recover. 

I thank you all for your love, comfort, support & prayers. I believe those are what hold me together & give me the strength to face each tomorrow. 

Healing will come and my TRUST Journey will continue - if not this side of eternity, the other. WHOLENESS is our next step ... bound for HOME