I'm taking a quiet, reflective walk today to a place I don't want to really go to ... but I have been there far too often and I must today because it is the birthday of someone that was part of my life for quite some time, of good and bad times, but no longer this side of eternity to celebrate 45 years ... by choice. I'm a bit torn on this day ... not quite sure which path to take or where to find a place of quiet or rest.
"I'll try not to linger too long in the negative choice you made and its impact, you probably never thought about. How very sad. I still struggle with some of this with your precious family who did not deserve this like your beloved mom and her heartache. I can only imagine because I won't go there, although I have a few times only, it's much too much painful and sorrowful. I lack what I'd hope to tell her/them ... any reason ... anything. Just skeptical ramblings or untruths. Only God knows ... and only God understands this."
"I'll try not to linger too long in the negative choice you made and its impact, you probably never thought about. How very sad. I still struggle with some of this with your precious family who did not deserve this like your beloved mom and her heartache. I can only imagine because I won't go there, although I have a few times only, it's much too much painful and sorrowful. I lack what I'd hope to tell her/them ... any reason ... anything. Just skeptical ramblings or untruths. Only God knows ... and only God understands this."
I recently came across a book (that believe it or not I don't have, nor have I read it, even though I truly like the title, I'm not so sure the contents will help me). However the author went through a similar situation to mine compiled with many other tragic events ... from what I understand reading about her and the book. But even so, I don't think we can compare our pain, our losses, our grief. Each soul grieves differently.
I was sure since I walked in the Valley last week, I had something special for today (but I lost track of what it was) and when I saw what day this was ... well, I almost did not post ... however, I knew I'd be taking this "walk" anyway alone. OK, not totally alone, alone with God, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit ... you see I need all 3 for company this day. I'd love to "dance with Jesus" (that's why I love opening to this book's website just so I can see and imagine myself in that place). Round and round I twirl ... yes, that's how to get from "grief to grace".
Somehow, recently, perhaps in anticipation of this heaviness beckoning me once more to revisit "valleys" ... I stumbled upon another place, a faith art community with a course - a Bible-based course on "Good Grief" using art journaling. Such a wonderful idea ... for His Kingdom Come ... as I explored and learned about their site.
To me, this is perfect (although "no, I did not sign up") ... I was reminded by God how I love the Arts ... to me that is art of painting, drawing, photography, etc. but also "arts" includes music and dance for me. I recall that when I was grieving the loss of my youngest brother, who was artistic like my mom, that it was through "art" I found my peace and joy once again. What I liked best about the person whose birthday is today was that artistic ability. Yes, I am drawn to the "art" nature of people and to "those that are artistic" ... a part of me that I never developed but began to explore more and more since the loss of 3 dearly loved, artistic people. I always pushed the academic side of my education, but oh, how I wish I had developed and taken courses in more of the "arts" especially art techniques. I do believe that this would be great therapy. In fact, I'm sure it's used as therapy.
I remember when I first came here vacationing...more than pursuing my calling, I purchased an art sketch pad and some chalk (cray-pas) and began sitting along the walls at the beach and therapeutically sketching scenes. Many of my most enjoyable teaching times were when I taught Kindergarten and drew characters on the blackboards as I told stories ... I loved craft and art projects, and decorating my classroom for opening day. Yes, art definitely is something I should have pursued more, so I'm sure that this is a good way to work through ones' grief and mourning. I love music and dance too yet for some reason this ole body is not flowing as it once did (or so I thought and loved whether I looked as graceful to others as I felt and imagined or not; I was for me and my audience of One)
So now I am off for the day to do just that ...
not the
dance part
the
ART
part and the
HEART