I'm taking a quiet, reflective walk today to a place I don't want to really go to ... but I have been there far too often and I must today because it is the birthday of someone that was part of my life for quite some time, of good and bad times, but no longer this side of eternity to celebrate 45 years ... by choice. I'm a bit torn on this day ... not quite sure which path to take or where to find a place of quiet or rest.
"I'll try not to linger too long in the negative choice you made and its impact, you probably never thought about. How very sad. I still struggle with some of this with your precious family who did not deserve this like your beloved mom and her heartache. I can only imagine because I won't go there, although I have a few times only, it's much too much painful and sorrowful. I lack what I'd hope to tell her/them ... any reason ... anything. Just skeptical ramblings or untruths. Only God knows ... and only God understands this."
"I'll try not to linger too long in the negative choice you made and its impact, you probably never thought about. How very sad. I still struggle with some of this with your precious family who did not deserve this like your beloved mom and her heartache. I can only imagine because I won't go there, although I have a few times only, it's much too much painful and sorrowful. I lack what I'd hope to tell her/them ... any reason ... anything. Just skeptical ramblings or untruths. Only God knows ... and only God understands this."
I recently came across a book (that believe it or not I don't have, nor have I read it, even though I truly like the title, I'm not so sure the contents will help me). However the author went through a similar situation to mine compiled with many other tragic events ... from what I understand reading about her and the book. But even so, I don't think we can compare our pain, our losses, our grief. Each soul grieves differently.
I was sure since I walked in the Valley last week, I had something special for today (but I lost track of what it was) and when I saw what day this was ... well, I almost did not post ... however, I knew I'd be taking this "walk" anyway alone. OK, not totally alone, alone with God, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit ... you see I need all 3 for company this day. I'd love to "dance with Jesus" (that's why I love opening to this book's website just so I can see and imagine myself in that place). Round and round I twirl ... yes, that's how to get from "grief to grace".
Somehow, recently, perhaps in anticipation of this heaviness beckoning me once more to revisit "valleys" ... I stumbled upon another place, a faith art community with a course - a Bible-based course on "Good Grief" using art journaling. Such a wonderful idea ... for His Kingdom Come ... as I explored and learned about their site.
To me, this is perfect (although "no, I did not sign up") ... I was reminded by God how I love the Arts ... to me that is art of painting, drawing, photography, etc. but also "arts" includes music and dance for me. I recall that when I was grieving the loss of my youngest brother, who was artistic like my mom, that it was through "art" I found my peace and joy once again. What I liked best about the person whose birthday is today was that artistic ability. Yes, I am drawn to the "art" nature of people and to "those that are artistic" ... a part of me that I never developed but began to explore more and more since the loss of 3 dearly loved, artistic people. I always pushed the academic side of my education, but oh, how I wish I had developed and taken courses in more of the "arts" especially art techniques. I do believe that this would be great therapy. In fact, I'm sure it's used as therapy.
I remember when I first came here vacationing...more than pursuing my calling, I purchased an art sketch pad and some chalk (cray-pas) and began sitting along the walls at the beach and therapeutically sketching scenes. Many of my most enjoyable teaching times were when I taught Kindergarten and drew characters on the blackboards as I told stories ... I loved craft and art projects, and decorating my classroom for opening day. Yes, art definitely is something I should have pursued more, so I'm sure that this is a good way to work through ones' grief and mourning. I love music and dance too yet for some reason this ole body is not flowing as it once did (or so I thought and loved whether I looked as graceful to others as I felt and imagined or not; I was for me and my audience of One)
So now I am off for the day to do just that ...
not the
dance part
the
ART
part and the
HEART
Prayer of the Day
ReplyDeleteWhen I Need to Stand Strong in Times of Weakness
Thank You, Lord, that in my weakness You are strong. Please perfect Your strength and power in me. In the areas where I feel weakest, I pray that Your strength will be revealed in me as a force to be acknowledged. I know that the things You have called me to do, even in the daily requirements of my life, are things I cannot do without You. Strengthen me to run the race every day with high hopes of great victory.
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
from Stormie Omatian's website 7/15/15~ Peggy
OK, I have to confess, I am not walking the beach as hoped .. it's too hot for me ...it's only 90-91 now but it says it feels like 104-107 F so I'm indoors watching videos of "Joan Sebastian" singing with his various horses including his faithful white one that died 5 days before him... (there are 5 starting with this one) in the "Palacio de los Deportes" in Mexico City even with AC inside, I'm hot until I go out in the patio with any of my dogs and return. Too hot for them too! So I'm looking at my book "Grieving God's Way" and Bible Gardens, which became a new interest followed by seashells ... I wanted to draw/sketch the Biblical garden plants but they seem a little to hard so I went to seashells (not much easier) ... putting away my sketching and just enjoying the videos now ... praying for Denise specifically more than what she writes here, she needs prayer for strength, tiredness and attacks of guilt from others ... please pray for her!!!
ReplyDeleteI have recently discovered Susan's blog. I also resonate with her writing.
ReplyDeleteI pray, Peggy, that your heart is being comforted. I know how difficult this time is for you. I pray that God will give you an extra dose of peace.
I didn't remember that you had taught kindergarten! I'll just bet that you were the most amazing teacher! Fun, creative, and very loving. I still see those qualities in you as you express your gifts on your blog. Sweet sister, keep the faith. You are a blessing.
GOD BLESS!