TRUST through ...

tears, trials, troubles; tomorrows
whatever you may face
We need to
TRUST
God
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If you recall
I took a quiz at the beginning of 2025and this was my result

so as 2025 was catapulting ahead

through so much

I hoped I might get to this

One Word in the

before TRUST would

take me beyond my human limits

so I would hold on closely to my

TRUST in GOD

who's never failed me

when I arrived at that final testing of

the last breath of my spouse

and would I be able to

TRUST GOD

with the endless prayers

I have prayed for him to receive & know

Jesus, as the Son of God & his personal 

need of Jesus as Savior.

I'd love to write that wonderful 

testimony of salvation glory

but I don't & won't know

this side of eternity.

BUT God ...

He knows, He knew and He heard

every prayer I uttered and so,

I've come to that place of

TRUST

with peace and comfort

that it was never in my hands or words prayed

but always in God's hands & will, just as

John 3:16

declares

{oh, & by the way, the week prior to his death,

our daughter read him that exact verse and

she believes he's in heaven;

he died at 3:16 pm}

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Since the beginning of 2025 & half of last year

I & another were his caregivers as he

went from hospital home care to hospice 

to palliative care and back to hospital 

to a veteran placement in a home

over Labor Day weekend;

just like in 2018

when this decline started with a stroke,

sent home on hospice to die & he

recovered in 3 months.

We decided that

we had to get him home again,

which we did that Tuesday.

So he was there until Saturday ... 3:16

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At the start of 2025, after

TRUST

became my One Word

I began a OBS & reading of Lysa's

"I Want to Trust You ..."

but I never finished with the group

so as this week came 

and this One Word was finally the Word

after 

Tears, Fears, Questions,

Gathering, Broken,

Moving through Suffering 

as weekly One Words

I was determined to go back to this 

TRUST 

Journey book

along with the main book & study guide

to see if I could get further this time 

or better yet finish

but

I haven't 

{at the time of writing this blog,

I just finished the chapter where I left off}

So the one that I'm beginning now is

"And I Didn't Want to Be Alone"

and I'm stuck here

even though

I'm not Alone

God is with me & He has been each day

closer & closer

I'm tempted to skip ahead

{and I just might because just look at the

titles of these chapters that follow}

"How Can I Trust God When I Don’t Understand What He Allows?" "How Can I Trust God When the Person Who Hurt Me Got Away with It?" "What We Don’t Trust We Will Try to Control"

and there's a couple more including 
the final one with where I really would love to be
"The Secret to Really Healing"
{yes, I am one of those kind of readers;that love to skip to the finish & read}
but, in this case, as in most,it's the process & workingTHROUGH it
that completes this journey in
TRUST
or at least builds one lesson upon the next
one healing to the next
one step to the next
UNTIL ...
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When I began this blog post and perhapseven this journey, I never plannedon any of what I shared above
nor did I have more to add from ourScriptures or Reflection Readings(all good & beneficial)
I just keep thinking(which causes me to do searches)why I am not crying in my grief?{still so fresh}I came across various responses, articles and other blogs {even a really wonderful one youcantrusthim.com}that I thought I'd be sharing.
However,it's what AI gave methat I'd like to end with because it surprised me:

"Trusting through tears often involves relying on faith and hope during difficult times, recognizing that pain can lead to growth and deeper understanding. Many find comfort in spiritual beliefs, knowing that their struggles are seen and understood by a higher power. Understanding Trust Through Tears The Nature of Grief Grief often brings deep emotional pain, leading to tears. This response is natural and signifies the heart's struggle with loss. In times of sorrow, trusting in a higher power can provide comfort and hope. Many find solace in the belief that God is aware of every tear shed, as expressed in various spiritual teachings. The Role of Faith Faith can be a source of strength during difficult times. It encourages individuals to trust that their pain has purpose. Many believe that God keeps a record of their tears, symbolizing His intimate awareness of their suffering. This belief can help individuals feel less alone in their grief. Moving Forward Navigating through grief involves acknowledging emotions and allowing oneself to heal. Trusting in God’s promises can provide a pathway to peace. Many find that, over time, their sorrow can transform into hope, leading to renewed relationships and personal growth. Practical Steps to Trust Acknowledge Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Seek Support: Connect with others who understand your pain. Engage in Prayer or Meditation: This can help foster a sense of peace and connection. Reflect on Positive Memories: Remembering joyful moments can aid in healing. Trusting through tears is a journey that many undertake, finding strength in faith and community as they navigate their grief."

*I realize this does not actually answer why I am not crying; but I got some answers elsewhere like I thought: numbness; in shock; delayed or anticipatory grief (having grieved throughout the losses); fear (that I won't stop - it'll be too intense or I'll lose control)& complicated relationship.

ADDED NOTE: After publishing (of course) I found some more at Grief Healing (like last week) and also a YV grief.bites plan "When Grief & Loss Become a Spiritual Battlefield", which reminded me of some very good truths and the enemy's playbook of moves to get us when we're down ... I'm not looking for something to justify "no tears", I'm really hoping that with all that's been going on that I am not growing cold, becoming less compassionate & feeling for others and have somehow held back for some unconscious reason from my past reactions & fears. I knew that this end was coming just not when and in many ways, I've been preparing too in these last 7 years. I know that God will (and has frequently) turned my story around for the good. I have re-watched what I spoke impromptu at the Fort Snelling honor service and in my demeanor, I still saw love & compassion. The enemy cannot steal that too from me, I won't let myself be robbed any further in my life. I won't act as if I don't care just because others may be glad it's over (that's a long 'battle' story) yet even that will strengthen me & continue to open doors. My life would have missed out on so many good people, if God was not for me or in this with me to see me through (almost 50 years of marriage) and 55 years of knowing each other. It's complicated - so unless you know me, and know him; you probably will not understand. Yet tears are not the only indicators of grief. I know I can TRUST God with all of this - that's what matters. I have learned many lessons on getting through & although I did not share images this week, photography & music are my soothing care & love from my precious Bella, as if she knows how I'm feeling & when I need her unconditional love.

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The songs that have helped me get through this week; & almost 2 months already {in addition to the Playlist of songs by Lysa TerKeurst in her "Trust Journey" book} but not 2 of these 3:

💙"Do I Trust You, Lord?" Twila Paris

💚💙"Trust in You" Lauren Daigle

and The Blue Book's "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus" ... 

--- playing on repeat in my head & heart. Music always helps on our journey; nature walks in the autumn warm colors; and memories in photos.

This weekend of All Saint's Day & All Soul's Day; both days are Mexico's Dia de los Muertos; which brings me way back (1990) to another loved ones' early death at 30, when I cried & cried long afterwards & often, I could not cope & I miss my youngest brother, Gary, so much; like it was just yesterday and yet a lifetime ago; after my mother(1986), then father (1998), then most recently our older brother (2023). With all the practice of lament for so many losses in our family of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, I should really be a pro at Grief Share & this death process, but this one, indeed is different - up close, personal & so much to take care of ... but still time to rest, read & recover. 

I thank you all for your love, comfort, support & prayers. I believe those are what hold me together & give me the strength to face each tomorrow. 

Healing will come and my TRUST Journey will continue - if not this side of eternity, the other. WHOLENESS is our next step ... bound for HOME

TEARS to TRUST

[my photo]

I have waited and waited
this week
hoping that I might have a moving blog post about
TEARS
... but nothing came ...
not even the outpouring of my own floodgate of
TEARS
It's not because the readings for reflection
were not inspiring or wonderful
because each of them are
I guess that I thought
somehow
miraculously
I might have the right words to share
or a special revelation from God
I even prepared this image

The Daily Scripture Readings

...John 11:17-44; Matthew 23:37-39; Matthew 26:36-46; Hebrews 5:7-10; Luke 7:36-50; 2 Kings 20:1-6; Psalm 56

Beautiful passages in Scripture, yet even with the moving portrayal of our Lord Jesus, in John 11:35, I had no TEARS as I read and reflected not even while reading the beautiful Reflections or the tender lyrics of a special song shared "TEARS are a Language God Understands"💚 I still had not allowed the healing flow of TEARS to dampen my eyes and lament the loss or many losses throughout the years. Perhaps, the many times I cried throughout those years were the TEARS for now that fail to come. Perhaps, it's because I've hardened or am still too numb. All I know is that God's perfect timing of each of these One Word focuses were to give me the strength that He knew I did not have on my own. I even searched places (like The Daily Grace I recently shared) for TEARS and there were plenty - I still have not finished. 

I do believe that TEARS are a gift of Grace from God. Psalm 56:8 tells us that "TEARS are prayers, too. They travel to God when we cannot speak." For this I've been thankful on so many occasions, and I am quite the emotional person, but I've always had struggles with grief. I even read a beautiful blog post by Lisa Appelo, and I agree with every word & way because I know that TEARS bring healing. Even if you don't need healing, you should read this and more available from her. {another new place for me} I know eventually they will come - at unexpected times and places. I even reread some Comfort books I have, but no tears. As much as all the Reflection Readings & Scriptures were wonderful, I guess this is the one I need most:

"Help me O God, Give me the courage to cry. Help me to understand that tears bring      freshly washed colors arching across the soul,      colors that wouldn’t be there apart from the rain. Help me to see in the prism of my tears,      something of the secret of who I am. Give me the courage      not only to see what those tears are revealing      but to follow where they are leading. And help me to see      that where they are leading me is home. (Windows of the Soul by Ken Gire)

[my own photos]

It's said that a 

"picture is worth a thousand words"

So

now I have expressed in 3000 words 

(not including the TEARS image) 

what I am unable to do or write

I

🙏

for Godly courage, comfort & strength

in the days ahead

I

found in the past that gathering photos

also bring healing

{So far, in this case, they have not, but I keep gathering}

I

love the image painted in Ken Gire's words:

"... TEARS bring

     freshly washed colors arching across the soul,

     colors that wouldn’t be there apart from the rain.

Help me to see in the prism of my tears ..."

and of course, I love 

"where they (the TEARS) are leading me is

HOME"

I

still live in my beautiful 7 acres of paradise

here in my earthly

HOME

I look forward 

to the years I am given here

but even more to the years

in my eternal

HOME

[my photo]

If this week, you shed TEARS, I 🙏
 that our precious Lord

held you closely

because

I know He gathers all those

TEARS

in a bottle and 

He weeps along with us

<>

I recommend strongly

GRIEF SHARE

{I shared much from this decades ago}

in the past, receiving their 

daily encouragement newsletter

was wonderful & they have so much more

resources now & groups

online & in-person

<>

My concern for my 

NO TEARS

even had me searching for what

this means

- yeah, emotional numbness -

Grief Healing

is helpful

then I came upon this, oddly 

TEARS for fears

{the flowers reminded me of a beautiful bouquet I recently received}

Warning: NOT AT ALL RELATED TO OUR TOPIC OF
TEARS
💦
just a diversion of fascinating scenes & music?
This one is much more soothing & reassuring

IN HIS TIME
so
I will TRUST Him
Oh, and that's the next One Word focus on Monday:

• Trust 1 (Tuesday in book)

• Trust 2 (Thursday in book)

• Trust 3 (Sunday in book)
• Trust 4 (Monday in book)
• Trust 5 (not in book)
• Trust 6 (not in book)
• Trust 7 (not in book)
• <>
• Once again these may not be the same as or the same order as
• The Blue Book, but they are from Jim Branch
• LET'S HOPE and TRUST
• that they are, or just go with the book😉
• [the part in ( ) is after I checked each one]
• We are missing Psalm 20:1-9 (Weds)
• Job 42:1-6 (Fri) & Luke 22:31-38 (Sat.)
• but have been given these extra Scripture Readings:
• Psalm 125:1-5; Philippians 4:4-9; Matthew 6:25-34
• and some different Readings for Reflection

O

And I expect that one day

WHOLENESS

and

HEALING

will come

- that's when we will be -

HOME

REMEMBERING SHORTYBEAR ...

This is a REPOST from the

Lighthouse of Prayer

(2017)

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Our dear

DENISE

(a.k.a. Shortybear)

OLDHAM

November 20, 1963 - October 18, 2017

from Chattanooga, TN

is now at home

with

Jesus

her mama

brother Charles

sister Vicki

may

they rest in

PEACE

not a farewell or goodbye just 

until we meet

I love You Denise!

Please keep Eddie (husband), Coco, 
family and friends 

in your prayers

*1st photo is of Denise and Coco

2nd one's from Marsha

{I tried to leave my comment on Denise's post link of photo, but need blog author's approval, so I hope you approve: 

"It is my joy, honor and such a privilege to have come to know and love you, my friend and sister in Christ. Words cannot express what a true blessing you are and have been to me. You have been through so much yet I know Jesus is right there with you. 

My dear Denise (a.k.a. Shortybear) I love you and you hold a special place in my heart today and always! {shared your photo with Coco on our Lighthouse of Prayer} You are a true warrior and the sweetest spirit ever... I treasure you just being you! With a heart full of love ~Peggy

[I wanted to enable replies, like my other blog has and use this in the comments, but cannot find where to do that ... it was Oct. 2014 when this prayer team slowed down and I believe that it was because Denise was taken so ill and Alice also, then I looked at November 2014 followed by some posts in March 2016 where I attempted to try again and there I read Denise ... sharing prayers for others and participating as the best team player I could ever ask for ... indeed Denise will be missed. I have so much I'd love to write about Denise, however if you read her sweet prayers, visit her blog, you will discover how easy it is to love her ... Denise deserves a real tribute, but this and her own words and prayers are the best I have at this time. 

Thank you all for your prayers!] 

Post script: 2025 ... from Peggy. It was in 2017 that I met Denise, at her wake & funeral through her family & friends that were there & her dad. We had never met in person, only through blogging yet I couldn't feel any closer to her than if we had

known each other our whole lives. There's only one other blogger that's as close as a sister, or maybe even better than some sisters, but I have

not met her yet in person either. However, she is the best person in every way since our blogging day connection, she has remained near & dear. All 3 of us, will meet some day when God welcomes us home, and what a joyful day that will be! These 2 precious souls crossed my path through our days together blogging online & God couldn't have chosen better sisters & friends to journey together.  

I hope each one of you are as fortunate as yours truly - because though our journeys are different, each of us need special people to walk & encourage us along the way - to be there in all seasons. We miss you dear Denise! And my, how beautiful you were dressed & ready as the bride of Christ (and your Eddie) it was a pleasure & a sorrow; a treasure to have flown from MN to TN to be present with y'all gathered that October day in 2017 ... still holds a fond memory in my heart! It was an honor to be present in your "celebration of the life" of Denise "Shortybear"! Then & now, I think of her often, and she still brings me such joy.