Although I am writing this on a Saturday afternoon in September, long after this occurred, I'm going back posting this on the day, my life - our life, took a turn into a new unexpected 'maze' however, we did not realize that was the path we were now taking, or on, until 5 days after August 25th, 2018 ... nor did we discover what happened this day until 24 hours later, on Sunday, August 26th ...
Most often, I try not to share about the personal life of others on my blog especially without their permission. The only problem with this is that almost every facet of our lives are intertwined and impacted greatly by those we live with, love and their lives affect ours in some way every day. The course of our lives are deeply connected to the lives of those around us.
I've read other's blogs about their loved ones or their own journey through a serious or chronic illness, even some down the road of watching their loved one die. I have found some of these blogs to deeply speak to me and felt as if I was an up-close friend of their loved one or them and was walking through this journey with them. Two that come to mind are: Rory Feek (about his beloved Joey, which use to be "This Life I Live", but now it's just his name for the link to his blog) and Kara Tippett, "Mundane Faithfulness". And there was one more person, who shared much of her life struggles with health, Denise ... my dear Shortybear. All have gone home with Jesus! Hallelujah!
... but the one I want to write about and feel compelled to share 'his story' does not even think there's a 'home' or place or life after this one, he doesn't know Jesus as his Savior or Lord, nor that Jesus is/was the Son of God ... and to me, this is the most devastating, pessimistic view for any human to have, one without hope. I think(hope, believe) his story may/might change, but so many times I have wept and prayed because I can't imagine God allowing someone to die when that person - that soul - would perish eternally. My whole life, I have never known one who has done so much yet will not surrender to Jesus, a heart so hard, and a mind so set that life here ends when it ends, there is nothing after (although I know there are so many) ... I can't wrap my head around this and how much God's heart must ache, when I ache at the thought of this. So let me begin ... or go back to
Saturday, August 25th, 2018 - the day my husband of 42 yrs. had a stroke to the cerebellum, but we did not know it. This stroke had none of the signs to spot a stroke (F.A.S.T. is the acronym used for the signs of stroke){in blue are my comments}:
F-face drooping {none, not at all, not even now};
A-arm weakness {no numbness reported by him, however a week later on Labor Day weekend, I did experience the numbness in my right arm and the tingling going up and all the way down to my toes, but I was checked out and no stroke};
S-speech difficulty {not on that day, but that is what occurred on that 5th day, when we thought he was in the clear and had made good progress on day 3 & 4, wham, it showed up with trying to ask me for a 'pick' to clean his teeth - hard to get the full word up and out and I could not distinguish it at all and he had been using full sentences or thoughts the day before. This was definitely not how I wanted to start my day with him, after just coming from putting our 15 yr.old sweetheart male dog, Chimi to sleep, up with him at 5:30 a.m., my heart was heavy but this was an unexpected blow};
T-time to call 911 {I didn't that day, and it took hours to convince him that I had to take him to ER-local hospital for an IV because he was severely dehydrated, where finally after 12 hours since his initial awkward sensation that ascended up from his shoulders to the top of his head, with a sharp head ache, which he rarely ever had and also because he has a high tolerance to pain - that pain had to be very severe. But he believed it had to do with his diabetes and other health issues, and we never even considered a stroke. We took blood pressure (really good, compared to mine) and his glucose had only doubled from normal, not sky rocketed high like many suffer. I would add that another key sign would be sudden weakness, a sense of not being able to move ... yet he was from 11 p.m. to 2-3 a.m. as I heard him going back and forth to the bathroom, then finally went to check on him, finding out he had been throwing up, not just making frequent bathroom trips. Immediately the other person here went into town to buy Gatorades and other stuff to rehydrate, but he couldn't take that so when I told him, let me take him to the hospital, he replied after I get some sleep and get cleaned up ... the 1st he wasn't allowed to do but he did do the 2nd and insisted that I call people on his social calendar before he'd leave - unbelievable. But we finally got him there, 12 hrs. more after, making it 24 hrs. later in total. The ER put him on an IV and took him for a cat-scan, coming back and reporting he had had a stroke so he needed to be transported to the city hospital that handles this in the Trama Critical Care Unit ... off he went by ambulance and me, by car}
So, in no way, was this by the book, or according to the signs, and as we soon found out, that it's a rare stroke.
I ponder "should I do like these other blogs and share this journey, this maze that our lives have now become?" ... a new norm ... one very unfamilar to me and after that Weds. August 29th to August 31st when we moved him home to 'die with dignity' under hospice care, but 24/7 really depends on me and one other person to take care of him, with intermittant visits every other week day, of a very caring hospice team that come to the house - On August 31st, our living room was changed - with a hospital bed, wheelchair, commode and other such portable devices, a walker and later a bench transfer seat for the shower - to the best comfortable bedroom we could give him, to keep watch and wait; I wait to see what God will do.
God is not finished with this man (nor with me) and I search for the lesson and God's hand. I definitely see His hand holding on to me and I've had some glimmers of hope from my husband, but then back to what he believes so strongly. He has no 'will' ready, and nothing except the house is in my name with his, so the battle ahead for me will be a tough one, but I see this determined man with a 'will' to live, a gift from God, every moment, every day, so that he might come to BELIEVE (my One Word for 2018) and we can better prepare. Yet as we got ready to leave the hospital in one intimate conversation I had with him, fully aware, I spoke 'life' into this man and told him that the opposite of this is death, but I know someone and believe in the One who can change all this: Jesus, the Son of God ... and the Spirit just flowed in that conversation. I thought I had made some progress, but I've seen a little resilence and backsteps since he's been home, with far too many visitors, concerned though also for his spiritual as well as physical life; as we head out on this new 'maze' of healing with renewed hope in me, praying that he will hear and receive the truth from anyone.
God is not finished with this man (nor with me) and I search for the lesson and God's hand. I definitely see His hand holding on to me and I've had some glimmers of hope from my husband, but then back to what he believes so strongly. He has no 'will' ready, and nothing except the house is in my name with his, so the battle ahead for me will be a tough one, but I see this determined man with a 'will' to live, a gift from God, every moment, every day, so that he might come to BELIEVE (my One Word for 2018) and we can better prepare. Yet as we got ready to leave the hospital in one intimate conversation I had with him, fully aware, I spoke 'life' into this man and told him that the opposite of this is death, but I know someone and believe in the One who can change all this: Jesus, the Son of God ... and the Spirit just flowed in that conversation. I thought I had made some progress, but I've seen a little resilence and backsteps since he's been home, with far too many visitors, concerned though also for his spiritual as well as physical life; as we head out on this new 'maze' of healing with renewed hope in me, praying that he will hear and receive the truth from anyone.
Then enters my own story ... my own health changes that I'm dealing with ... knowing in Whom I BELIEVE and who holds my life. Perhaps, he will outlive me ... only God knows. Maybe his will may help him to be one of the 10% that survive. And as for me, I'm looking forward to going home, joining those above, when my Father calls me - I want to be ready.
[please let me know in the comments if you think I should continue this story, his story or my story of an Unexpected Maze through Life unto Death (if it would be helpful to others?) and where this goes, or how God reveals Himself mightily, as I trust He will; if not for my husband, I do know that He has, and will for me - daily I see His grace, His mercy, His love in the unexpected maze of my life - it's not a mess right now, but I'm sure hoping for a miracle ... the greatest one being Eternal Life for my husband, not that he might continue life here healed or he might, God willing; but that there is a hope, a life, an eternity available to him and God is giving him an extended warranty, a chance to live eternally, healed forever].
If you read my previous blog post, then you realize that it was perfect timing ... for I am 'finding God in the hard places' and I'm so thankful that I can, and that I do, hoping and praying that this lost child of God, my spouse, may find his way to the Son of God, Jesus Christ and BELIEVE!
Praying for your loved ones also that are 'prodigals' and in need of a Messiah, a Savior, a Redeemer ... my Lord Jesus Christ. To Him be all glory, honor and praise! He is the very breath I take each part of my day and night that all seem to just ebb and flow together right now. Perhaps you can tell by the way I have written this and rambled on ... in a blog post, winging it on this new phase of an unexpected maze that changes daily. This maze is like no other and the gamble or risk, in my eyes, is for eternity of one soul that is being given time to not perish. Often we don't get this extended time to choose, but God is never late, definitely not early in this case and always has the perfect time.
... just count the days from August 25th to September 15th (when I am typing this) with tomorrow being the celebration of Mexican Independence (like our 4th of July) but the greatest freedom we can find according to my personal beliefs, is found in Jesus Christ. We are dependent on God yet given free will to be set free through the blood of Jesus Christ, on that Cross on Calvary (independent choice) and once we enter into a relationship, we are interdependent (but God ... He doesn't need us, we need Him). It's not about religion or beliefs of one denomination or differences between us, it's about our relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and then all our relationships that we share with others, with the same kind of love that Jesus showed us. This is what we need to celebrate, this is what we need to have, this is what we need to long for ... a home eternally with Him. There is no greater celebration than the homecoming of one of God's children! No greater freedom!
No greater love than what the Father has given us in Jesus!
