EMBRACED
... Knowing God is Holding Me (You) Close
2019
Part 3:
EMBRACING
Him in the Midst
of Hurt & Heartache
AUGUST 1st
{Yes, Lysa, I have trust issues, too! should I say "who doesn't to some degree?"}
As I look at today's date, it is so appropriate that I begin this 3rd part, on this day ... and wow, with the title of this devotion, it's a God-incidence, and God purposed, and God ordained for the topic to be trust. Sadly, as I have aged and experienced life, this has become a BIG issue for me, but not with God... but with most others, and even with myself. I went from being trusting, perhaps too trusting, to not trusting (in) myself, and ultimately (in) not trusting practically any one.
Today, we (I) should be celebrating our anniversary, but this day has not been celebrated for decades, although it's more than 40 since we married and 50 since we knew each other. I trusted this person with my life and at that time, a personal secret that only my 2 best friends and my closest cousin (all my age) knew ... he was the first adult I trusted with this ... and as difficult as it is to write or admit this, I believe that going back to this part of my life, is where my broken trust began and my issue with this. I also think that in the years since we married, I am the one person that broke his trust in me, and yet I think he trusts too many other people ... strangers, in fact ... more than me. I wish I could say this is our only conflict or the reason we don't celebrate our anniversary, but it is clearly much more and much deeper. Although we are still married legally, it has been years (decades) since he considers us married. Truthfully, our marriage was never meant to be or should have been and actually, I don't believe we ever had a real marriage. So how can you celebrate that?
The year after I came back from Mexico, I bought my 1st car on this date to mark this anniversary with something good, since my previous '96 van barely made it home from Mexico (it broke down completely 2 hours from the border and I waited 10 days with 3 dogs in a motel, as it was being repaired and rebuilt). As I think about this, it was our marriage (my life) that was what really needed to be repaired and rebuilt, as it had before I left twenty years ago ... it wasn't then, and basically does not look like that is possible anymore. Nor am I sure I want it, and I know he doesn't. Yet I believe in a God who specializes in impossibilities! However, even more than restoration of our relationship, I truly desire first and foremost to see my spouse come to Jesus and have the relationship with Him that I have had the privilege of knowing. This is God's will that not one of us should perish ... so this is my anniversary wish!
Back in the 80s, I went to a small Christian home group called "Rebuilders" ... it was for rebuilding marriages. I learned many biblical marriage principles from this group but decided that it took 2 to rebuild, although I certainly acknowledged my our failings and worked on me. In the late 80s, God began showing me many truths and shone light on some parts of my life and began to reveal these truths to me. In the mid 80s is when we adopted our 2 children from a family member of his, and I began to see my life in a fresh new way and was committed to loving these children and giving them what they needed. Our son (at 5) and myself were baptized in the St. Croix River! It was indeed a new start; for him a new family and for me a renewal of my Christian beliefs, faith and life. Both of us had been baptized as infants, yet this was our own choice to follow Jesus and accept Him as our Lord - to be born again. Now this is what I've prayed and waited for to celebrate ... for their 'dad', my husband to do this.
So how does this relate to trust? or better yet my 'trust' issues?
I trust God has a purpose in this and for all these years, I trust my husband and household into God's hands and by God's Spirit and power, it will be ... I repent of my failures and breaking his trust and I forgive him for everything (things he probably does not feel he needs forgiveness) but in my heart of hearts, I know that what was wrong to begin with, cannot be made right ... my trust was broken and I was deceived by thinking it was love when in retrospect, it probably never was ... especially from what he shared when I took him back to the hospital ER this past end of June, with what was determined to have been yet another stroke, and we were forced to be together alone with each other for hours as we waited for results... this is the most time we have spent together since I moved back home. True, with all he's facing physically and mentally with the additional diagnosis of having Alzheimers for the past few years, how can I believe what he said? because it was some of the hurt coming forth from within him, which that night as many nights in all these years, God and I have been dealing with for my own healing, so I know ... that I can EMBRACE God (only) in the midst of hurt and heartache, hoping that one day soon, he will also.
And how does this relate... well, it has to do with whether trust can be rebuilt? {I'm giving just brief glimpses into this 'trust issue' and lasting hurt and heartache of a lifetime. So if you don't completely understand, no worries, it's because I'm not divulging it all, or enough to get the full picture. I'm not too good at writing about revealing stories of my life yet.}
In some ways, I felt that trust has to be earned, but I've learned that trust is granted. Yet I strongly believe that trust is critical in a healthy relationship. The problem is that I don't think my marriage has ever been a healthy relationship, and because of this, I also believe that I have not learned how to have a healthy relationship, and how to trust. I hardly trust anything or anyone, any more, but I wasn't this way always. So, of course, I have trust issues, and that's not easy to admit. Some of these come from people I trusted that hurt me and also with different incidences that have caused PTSD in me.
Trust is the right place to begin this 3rd part of EMBRACING Him in the Midst of Hurt and Heartache; I trust God with my hurts and many of my heartaches. I learned long ago that God will go back with me to those past hurts and heartaches to walk me through them with knowing He's there, yet I already knew HE was with me, and that's the only reason why I got through them.
{I knew I did not have to convince you that I have 'trust' issues, if you know me at all. However, I do need to begin to sort through all that I shared above, of some of my hurts & heartaches that go back to my early life.}
I will do a new blog post for this upcoming Part 3
since I wrote so much on 'trust'
before I even read what
Lysa wrote.
(but because tomorrow is Friday, you'll have to wait)
just like I do
Thinking that perhaps this blog post title should have been:
"My Hesitation in Embracing Trust"
