AN UNEXPECTED MAZE CONTINUED ...

I've thought long and hard about whether I should continue the day by day happenings since August 25th until currently and decided that my writing is not that clear, nor are my thoughts, {so no, I won't be} because I'm trying to do this, thinking back, over the days that have blurred together by now ... and yet there were days along this 'maze' that have significant parts rather than me recalling the events of the week of August 26th - August 31st, when my husband came home ... or if I tried to catch you up on the changes that have taken place since then from September 1st to now to let you know that he is still alive (and I believe, God is still in control and at work - actually I can see His hand even in the days prior to the stroke and how God truly knows me and cares about me, but even more, He cares so much about every one of His creations, His children, which includes my husband).

I've known this all along as I prayed for him, for us, for our families ... yes, God holds the key to this entire story being played out before my very eyes. So I've come to the conclusion that I would sum up the significant days thus far ... after day 1 and day 2 ... day 3 and day 4, looked as if he was making great progress with physical and occupational therapy, plans to move him to another room and part of the hospital as soon as a bed became available so he could pursue rehabilitation ... then day 5 hit. It had been explained to us that the swelling on the brain occurs in the first 5 days.

August 29th - (sandwiched in between two very important people's birthdays) I awoke at 5:30 a.m. to the news that our 15 year old daddy dog had taken a turn for the worse, vomiting and falling over, so plans were made to take him to our vet to be put to sleep and return him to be buried at home on our hill. It was a heart breaking beginning to my day and an end to a cherished pet, yet I was so glad for the 15 years I enjoyed this sweet chihuahua mix that seemed more like a Jack Russel and gave me many joyful days and memories. 

I left from this ordeal to the hospital where my husband was waiting to be moved ... to discover, he had a new RN in charge of him that day that did not know the exceptional progress that he had made, and I found that he had digressed significantly because he was unable to get out one word that I could understand, and it was difficult for him to even say the word, which was 'pick' ... up until the evening before he had been speaking in full sentences and carrying on conversations without any difficulty with everyone who had come to visit. His own sister and brother were en route from their home state to ours and he was anticipating their arrival, wanting to get cleaned up again including teeth with a floss pik. I mentioned this change in his speech to his new RN and he alerted the neuro dr., who decided to run another cat-scan to see what was going on or had happened. This is when it was discovered that the swelling was not in the cerebellum where the stroke had first occurred, but the swelling had moved to the frontal lobe of the brain, affecting his speech and swallowing. The dr. drew and explained this on the whiteboard and how they could do surgery by putting in a stent. So that's the direction I thought we were headed until they examined his health care directive (not updated since 2007) which stated that he did not wish to be kept going on any life support machines so they could not proceed with said surgery. I was devastated. To me, if this would give him a chance or save his life, give him more time, then I felt they should proceed but they could not ... and he was told and asked what he wanted by his sister; the only word that came forth was "home" so that is what we proceeded to make possible with Hospice Care provided from our local hospital team and hospital equipment, furniture, etc. was sent to our house on Fri. August 31st as I awaited that and his arrival in an ambulance transport. Meanwhile, of course, his dear home care companion since 2003, had cleared our living room of living room furniture to make ready his new, easily accessible room, along with another friend to help move everything out. That first weekend was so hectic, being Labor Day weekend, and we also had 3 members of his family staying with us. 

He came home and none of his regular pill medications were going to be continued for diabetes and his beginning alzheimers - not even his vitamins. He was prescribed a pain medication every 6 hours. Last week, it was cut in half and currently he is taking none. That medication seemed to be giving him more problems instead of helping him and as I mentioned he was not in pain and has a high tolerance to pain. So after asking why, it was finally cut to half and then eliminated. Part of the reaction to this was nausea even with the med and just water, he continued to throw up then choosing not to eat, thinking he'd just be throwing it up. So that too was eliminated, but another one is available if he is nauseated. This means after 3 weeks, he is taking no medications and only 1 as needed. 

The weather outside is dreary and colder so today he was cold, choosing to wear a jacket indoors. Yet he had a really great day yesterday ... actually it was a highlight of his time home, being interviewed by a columnist of our TC newspaper that he respects and keeps many of his articles. He came to our home. My husband was up early at 6 a.m. (and so was I) as he wanted to shave himself and get ready when the journalist wasn't even coming until later in the afternoon. He's using his walker quite well and insisting on being very independent since over a week ago; having to feed himself, brush his teeth, drink from his glass, get around to the bathroom, kitchen and even once outside last week when the weather was warmer. 

So, we go two steps forward ... some days ... followed by three steps backwards. however this determined individual has a very strong will and much more to do in his earthly life (so does God) I strongly BELIEVE that speaking LIFE into him at the hospital is exactly what God is doing with so many people promising to pray for him, not even realizing his spiritual beliefs; yet God does, God knows him in every detail and aspect, and HE is faithful. I don't know the future or what it may hold for my husband as I hope and continue to press in and pray, but I do know the One who holds the future of this man in His hands.

It's one step at a time, one day at a time, one more moment or person that might make a breakthrough with this person, changing the outcome of being perished to one of being redeemed, which is up to that individual and God, which is why it's a personal relationship and only God sees and knows the heart. My God, my Lord is not so small to be put in a box or the concepts of our human mind ... HE is bigger than every problem, in fact, He knows the outcome before it ever started.

I BELIEVE that God, the Father, sent His Son, Jesus Christ, so that S** (my spouse, your son, your friend, your loved one) would believe in Him (Jesus Christ, Savior of the world from our sin that separates us from the Father) because He loves S** so much (even more than all of us together praying for our loved ones) so that S** (and yours) may not die (which is separation from God) but have eternal life (which is heaven, an eternity in God's Presence - no more death or sorrow or crying or pain, my how I look forward to that and really going "home" not like my husband to our earthly home (house) but to that promise of an eternal home, a longing that is in me (frankly, all of us who know Jesus can't wait, because this is truly where and to whom we belong, it's been inside us since we were created in His image) and I BELIEVE that all of us are, we just need to come to that place of acknowledging Him, believing His Word and confessing Him as Lord... have you? will you? before it's too late

Please don't wait or take the chance that you might be wrong or right in what you believe or chosen not to believe, He has given each of us a free will, but He longs to make us right with Him eternally forgiven and loved. It can't get any better. 

I just received this ebook and this last prayer written from the prayer of Elisha for his servant is what I pray for my and your 'prodigal' (we've all been one) but the Father has His arms open wide - ready to embrace you - just come, home:

{insert his or her, he or she, or their name for word in italics}

" God, open his eyes and let him see that though he has walked out on You, You have never left him, nor will You leave him, he is not alone. God, open his eyes so he can see that You are able to work for good, even out of the darkest and most painful circumstances. God, open his eyes and let him see that You have plans and a purpose for his life, plans for good and not evil. God, open his eyes and let him see that You created him uniquely, specially, a one-of-a-kind masterpiece filled with Your beauty. God, open his eyes that he may see that life being lived to impress others and glorify himself is leading to emptiness. God, open his eyes and let him see that the material wealth, knowledge and possessions of this world will never satisfy. God, open our eyes and let us see the pride that has blinded us, the sin that has hardened us, and the lies that have deceived us. God, open our eyes and let us see that neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate our prodigals from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, Our Lord ... Lord, we pray for A sudden Awakening, brutal Honesty, and immediate Action ... in our own lives, and in the life of those we love. Awaken them. Awaken us ..." from "Praying for your Prodigal", chapter 10, by Kyle Idleman and many more, check out special til 9/19

[I may pop in every now and again, update or let you know what's happening or happened ... but please keep this household in prayer, and I need a supernatural strength to keep this schedule and the ability to keep going with an extra portion of amazing grace and tolerance/patience to the needs of this new mission ... and

lack of sufficient sleep and my own health needs. Thank you in advance]

MOVING THIS POST from 9/12/18 to earlier on 9/9 so I can add one other post before my Book Review to keep these in somewhat of a sequence without another post interrupting any of these "Unexpected Maze' parts.

AN UNEXPECTED MAZE ... day 2

Most of what happened on Day 2, I already mentioned briefly in Day 1 in the "T" part in blue of signs of strokes ... so this is about how long it took us to convince my spouse that he had to go to the ER/hospital (from 2 a.m. 'til about 10 a.m.). He insisted that he needed to clean up, call people to cancel scheduled appointments, and oh, he let us know, that he really needs to get some sleep first (since he had been up, back and forth on his own to his bathroom all night since 11 p.m.) We knew that he was dehydrated but as I wrote on day 1, we had no idea that he had had a stroke ... which we found out when our local hospital ran a cat-scan, informing us that he needed to be transported to a Brain Trauma, Critical Care Unit in our State Capitol area, led by a nationally, recognized team of expert care {I found most of the staff, especially the RN's, to be so - they all work together so well to provide the best care} 
Again, too many visitors, which should have been just immediate family ... but my husband considers that umbrella to extend beyond our family. His brother and sister came on Weds. and shortly joined by his other sister. Of course, they are family and our daughter (accompanied by her oldest children on different days, but not her youngest two, until he was moved home). But there were others considered 'family' to him. My priority for him, especially in this Critical Care Unit was his care and that needed to take precedence to all the visits.
Since this was Sunday, and in no way, seemed like a SONday for me, I definitely knew he needed his rest and so did I and the other caregiver that had been up with him. Rest - it's such a needed state in our lives for our physical bodies and our spiritual soul, whether we believe we have one or not, God created each of us with that special place within us, created in His very image ... I believe so His Spirit can reside within us and speak to the spirit in us. 

"The Lord replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14)

I knew without a doubt that I needed His REST now more than ever (but in retrospect, it looks like this was just the beginning of an endless need of rest, that I would not be getting physically yet knew I needed to spiritually whether I had the time or not -because I need His Presence continually with me for this "unexpected maze" that was just getting started). God knew this months before, even a year ago, as I was so blessed to read Bonnie Gray's "Whispers of Rest" (and could soak in this all over again, if I could just find an extra minute)... so for now, I will soak in instrumentals playing in the background and the verse that God has spoken into my spirit all summer (Matthew 11:28-29) - His Promise that I cling to and remind myself daily to "Come ..."
Even in the hectic scuffle, back and forth, to hospital and home, I found the time with our local Christian radio station, KTIS in my car ... and those beautiful instrumental videos with Bible verses, I was trying to saturate my spirit to find the strength for this hard place, that has now become my new mission to serve and love in the hard places, even when I'm rejected or pushed aside or receive harsh comments, I must try ... but only by God, by His power and the Holy Spirit, will I find my way through this 'unexpected maze' ... where He leads, may I submit and surrender to do and be like Jesus. And tomorrow's another day - a new day, where His mercies and grace are new every morning
I leave my husband in the care of a well-trained team for his physical care, asking God to care and reach His spiritual need, actually begging and pleading God to come through ... to get through, to rescue him from perishing and asking for God's forgiveness, mercy and an abundant outpouring of the aMazing Grace that I have been so blessed to have, please touch and break through this hardened heart and mind set that this life is all there is ... and his living care directive asks for no spiritual person to interact with him to bombard him with religion and all we are asking for is that he realize his personal need to be rescued, to be saved, to repent and COME to Jesus - that there is an afterlife to those who BELIEVE and the only way to God (the Father) is through Jesus, His Son - not just a great teacher or prophet {as he believes} but the sacrificial lamb that paid the price for all of us and our sin. On this SONday, I stop at the hospital chapel and cry out to the One, who I BELIEVE in, to redeem this man, who by his own works, he has done so much, how much more he could have done with God.

AN UNEXPECTED MAZE ... day 1

Although I am writing this on a Saturday afternoon in September, long after this occurred, I'm going back posting this on the day, my life - our life, took a turn into a new unexpected 'maze' however, we did not realize that was the path we were now taking, or on, until 5 days after August 25th, 2018 ... nor did we discover what happened this day until 24 hours later, on Sunday, August 26th ... 

Most often, I try not to share about the personal life of others on my blog especially without their permission. The only problem with this is that almost every facet of our lives are intertwined and impacted greatly by those we live with, love and their lives affect ours in some way every day. The course of our lives are deeply connected to the lives of those around us. 

I've read other's blogs about their loved ones or their own journey through a serious or chronic illness, even some down the road of watching their loved one die. I have found some of these blogs to deeply speak to me and felt as if I was an up-close friend of their loved one or them and was walking through this journey with them. Two that come to mind are: Rory Feek (about his beloved Joey, which use to be "This Life I Live", but now it's just his name for the link to his blog) and Kara Tippett, "Mundane Faithfulness". And there was one more person, who shared much of her life struggles with health, Denise ... my dear Shortybear. All have gone home with Jesus! Hallelujah!

 ... but the one I want to write about and feel compelled to share 'his story' does not even think there's a 'home' or place or life after this one, he doesn't know Jesus as his Savior or Lord, nor that Jesus is/was the Son of God ... and to me, this is the most devastating, pessimistic view for any human to have, one without hope. I think(hope, believe) his story may/might change, but so many times I have wept and prayed because I can't imagine God allowing someone to die when that person - that soul - would perish eternally. My whole life, I have never known one who has done so much yet will not surrender to Jesus, a heart so hard, and a mind so set that life here ends when it ends, there is nothing after (although I know there are so many) ... I can't wrap my head around this and how much God's heart must ache, when I ache at the thought of this. So let me begin ... or go back to

Saturday, August 25th, 2018 - the day my husband of 42 yrs. had a stroke to the cerebellum, but we did not know it. This stroke had none of the signs to spot a stroke (F.A.S.T. is the acronym used for the signs of stroke){in blue are my comments}: 

F-face drooping {none, not at all, not even now}; 

A-arm weakness {no numbness reported by him, however a week later on Labor Day weekend, I did experience the numbness in my right arm and the tingling going up and all the way down to my toes, but  I was checked out and no stroke}; 

S-speech difficulty {not on that day, but that is what occurred on that 5th day, when we thought he was in the clear and had made good progress on day 3 & 4, wham, it showed up with trying to ask me for a 'pick' to clean his teeth - hard to get the full word up and out and I could not distinguish it at all and he had been using full sentences or thoughts the day before. This was definitely not how I wanted to start my day with him, after just coming from putting our 15 yr.old sweetheart male dog, Chimi to sleep, up with him at 5:30 a.m., my heart was heavy but this was an unexpected blow};

T-time to call 911 {I didn't that day, and it took hours to convince him that I had to take him to ER-local hospital for an IV because he was severely dehydrated, where finally after 12 hours since his initial awkward sensation that ascended up from his shoulders to the top of his head, with a sharp head ache, which he rarely ever had and also because he has a high tolerance to pain - that pain had to be very severe. But he believed it had to do with his diabetes and other health issues, and we never even considered a stroke. We took blood pressure (really good, compared to mine) and his glucose had only doubled from normal, not sky rocketed high like many suffer. I would add that another key sign would be sudden weakness, a sense of not being able to move ... yet he was from 11 p.m. to 2-3 a.m. as I heard him going back and forth to the bathroom, then finally went to check on him, finding out he had been throwing up, not just making frequent bathroom trips. Immediately the other person here went into town to buy Gatorades and other stuff to rehydrate, but he couldn't take that so when I told him, let me take him to the hospital, he replied after I get some sleep and get cleaned up ... the 1st he wasn't allowed to do but he did do the 2nd and insisted that I call people on his social calendar before he'd leave - unbelievable. But we finally got him there, 12 hrs. more after, making it 24 hrs. later in total. The ER put him on an IV and took him for a cat-scan, coming back and reporting he had had a stroke so he needed to be transported to the city hospital that handles this in the Trama Critical Care Unit ... off he went by ambulance and me, by car}

So, in no way, was this by the book, or according to the signs, and as we soon found out, that it's a rare stroke.

I ponder "should I do like these other blogs and share this journey, this maze that our lives have now become?" ... a new norm ... one very unfamilar to me and after that Weds. August 29th to August 31st when we moved him home to 'die with dignity' under hospice care, but 24/7 really depends on me and one other person to take care of him, with intermittant visits every other week day, of a very caring hospice team that come to the house - On August 31st, our living room was changed - with a hospital bed, wheelchair, commode and other such portable devices, a walker and later a bench transfer seat for the shower - to the best comfortable bedroom we could give him, to keep watch and wait; I wait to see what God will do. 

God is not finished with this man (nor with me) and I search for the lesson and God's hand. I definitely see His hand holding on to me and I've had some glimmers of hope from my husband, but then back to what he believes so strongly. He has no 'will' ready, and nothing except the house is in my name with his, so the battle ahead for me will be a tough one, but I see this determined man with a 'will' to live, a gift from God, every moment, every day, so that he might come to BELIEVE (my One Word for 2018) and we can better prepare. Yet as we got ready to leave the hospital in one intimate conversation I had with him, fully aware, I spoke 'life' into this man and told him that the opposite of this is death, but I know someone and believe in the One who can change all this: Jesus, the Son of God ... and the Spirit just flowed in that conversation. I thought I had made some progress, but I've seen a little resilence and backsteps since he's been home, with far too many visitors, concerned though also for his spiritual as well as physical life; as we head out on this new 'maze' of healing with renewed hope in me, praying that he will hear and receive the truth from anyone.

Then enters my own story ... my own health changes that I'm dealing with ... knowing in Whom I BELIEVE and who holds my life. Perhaps, he will outlive me ... only God knows. Maybe his will may help him to be one of the 10% that survive. And as for me, I'm looking forward to going home, joining those above, when my Father calls me - I want to be ready. 

[please let me know in the comments if you think I should continue this story, his story or my story of an Unexpected Maze through Life unto Death (if it would be helpful to others?) and where this goes, or how God reveals Himself mightily, as I trust He will; if not for my husband, I do know that He has, and will for me - daily I see His grace, His mercy, His love in the unexpected maze of my life - it's not a mess right now, but I'm sure hoping for a miracle ... the greatest one being Eternal Life for my husband, not that he might continue life here healed or he might, God willing; but that there is a hope, a life, an eternity available to him and God is giving him an extended warranty, a chance to live eternally, healed forever].

If you read my previous blog post, then you realize that it was perfect timing ... for I am 'finding God in the hard places' and I'm so thankful that I can, and that I do, hoping and praying that this lost child of God, my spouse, may find his way to the Son of God, Jesus Christ and BELIEVE! 

Praying for your loved ones also that are 'prodigals' and in need of a Messiah, a Savior, a Redeemer ... my Lord Jesus Christ. To Him be all glory, honor and praise! He is the very breath I take each part of my day and night that all seem to just ebb and flow together right now. Perhaps you can tell by the way I have written this and rambled on ... in a blog post, winging it on this new phase of an unexpected maze that changes daily. This maze is like no other and the gamble or risk, in my eyes, is for eternity of one soul that is being given time to not perish. Often we don't get this extended time to choose, but God is never late, definitely not early in this case and always has the perfect time.

... just count the days from August 25th to September 15th (when I am typing this) with tomorrow being the celebration of Mexican Independence (like our 4th of July) but the greatest freedom we can find according to my personal beliefs, is found in Jesus Christ. We are dependent on God yet given free will to be set free through the blood of Jesus Christ, on that Cross on Calvary (independent choice) and once we enter into a relationship, we are interdependent (but God ... He doesn't need us, we need Him). It's not about religion or beliefs of one denomination or differences between us, it's about our relationship with God through Jesus Christ, and then all our relationships that we share with others, with the same kind of love that Jesus showed us. This is what we need to celebrate, this is what we need to have, this is what we need to long for ... a home eternally with Him. There is no greater celebration than the homecoming of one of God's children! No greater freedom!

No greater love than what the Father has given us in Jesus!