Strong Marriages ... part 2

I am still mulling over the devotional on "Strong Marriages..." by Pastor Rick Warren from July 26th (in my email and also shared at Daily Hope) that I posted about in my last post (now says Strong Marriages, part 1). {I even went back and added a personal part to that blog post right before the last boxes marked with an *} Perhaps this is why I am still mulling over this. And of course, this causes me to do a Google search ... Topic: Strong Marriages (defined, Biblical, etc.). I just needed to know what Pastor Rick meant by 'strong' in regards to 'marriages' since last year my One Word was Strength, and now followed in 2022 with RELATIONSHIP. There are many opinions out in search world but I also found that many changed my search on a 'strong marriage' to 'happiness in marriage' or 'successful' (good, great, etc.)- it definitely widens the search, instead of sticking to 'strong marriage'. So I pondered some more and kept some of the articles to read while noting the characteristics given for a 'strong" (successful, happy, good, great) marriage. The definition of 'strong' (16 given in Merriam Webster) does not include happy, successful, good or great, not even in the synonyms. 

The first article that is cited (in the search) is "Building a Strong Marriage" by Julie Baumgardner (October 4, 2017). Now that may seem outdated but I don't think anyone's opinion of the 'strengths" in a marriage or how to build a strong marriage becomes outdated. The key message shared on the search page had this from the article:

"Strong marriages have a balance between separateness and togetherness. These couples prioritize togetherness, ask each other for help, enjoy doing things together and spend most of their free time together."

I found this to be very interesting so I clicked on it to read the rest. Julie (the author) shares 10 strengths and 10 problems (according to a survey). I really liked her conclusion on taking time to prepare for your marriage. 

"Learn how to build on your strengths, creatively address differences and work together for the best interests of your marriage. It will probably be the best wedding present you can give to each other. "

I particularly like the suggestion and wisdom to "Learn how to build on your strengths ..." yet, although the author writes this for those preparing to marry, I believe that acknowledging the other's strengths throughout your marriage is vital also. Lifting someone up and encouraging them in your marriage is much better than looking for the negative or tearing the other one down, as time goes on when real life problems and situations arise, Godly strength is needed.  

Then I came across another more recent article (May 2020) asking what I've been pondering: "What does it mean to have a strong marriage?" from "4 Women (at different life stages) Share what Makes a Strong Marriage". This capsulizes some, but the personal stories are very interesting - worth the casual read. Good points.

"There are so many layers to having a strong marriage, and although couples can't always accomplish all of them, it may be in our best interest to work towards most of them. Trust, respect, communication, laughter, closeness, faithfulness, open-mindedness, and a will to forgive are just a few of those things."

Later, I read this helpful insight elsewhere: "There are many areas of closeness that can enhance a marriage/relationship, help it to remain strong, and help it get back on track when it has become distant/difficult." I also found in this article a list of characteristics (they call "factors that contribute to a satisfying marriage/relationship").

In the various articles of my search, I found these characteristics to be the consensus:

Communication (good, including listening)

Commitment

Respect 

Companionship

Honesty

Compassion

Consideration

... and the list goes on ... with LOVE, Patience, Responsibility, Willingness/Ability to Compromise - but the ones that stand out the most to me are:

Spirituality and Values; Empathy and Sensitivity; Ability to Deal with Crises and Stress (many of these were part of the article:"12 Characteristics of Successful Marriages" by Natalia Walcott, which mentions some really good ones, not listed). There's also this good article "12 Practical Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship..." - both are very insightful. 

As I reflect on some of these articles and the characteristics mostly, I realize what I have (we have), what I thought there were (when we first married) and now what exists ... and I have to emphasize the 1st part I shared again: balance and building on your strengths [the 1st 2 boxes have the full quotes]. However, the biggest struggle in my own marriage was my own misunderstandings as regards his spirituality and my own. His humanitarian and educational concerns I thought we shared in common as a Christian bond of our beliefs being the same, but I confused what I saw with what I wanted to see or be. He described what he wanted from (with) me as being authentic. Again, there was a discrepancy. Those values are bigger than what is seen on the surface. Those differences or misunderstandings added to so many other problems we faced. However, he has strengths and I have strengths ... and these many years later they don't hold up to the many faults and failings in our basic relationship, and that is why the ability to deal with situations (not just crises and stress) with respect and love honestly in good communication and consideration, all are essential to build a "strong marriage". I don't differ with the characteristics given in any of these articles. Yet, having strengths and weaknesses as humans, we bring these into any relationship and we need to accept that they do exist and allow grace. Much grace. Having strengths is not the same as being strong individuals or strong willed or strong headed. We bring the good and the not so good with us into our relationships. As I stated back in part 1; the part on "fighting for an awesome marriage" that the 'fight' also means the struggle to endure as we(I) put forth a determined effort - too often we give up in the struggle or the weariness or the difficulties, but it takes forgiveness and God to move beyond all the struggles and failings of each other. Both sides have frailties that hinder building or rebuilding - it's in our natural personalities and character. But God! Only with surrender and help from God, do we arrive at becoming stronger or a strong marriage, moving forward. 

It isn't easy to have a STRONG MARRIAGE. You may not agree with the other about what that even is ... you may not agree with me, however STRENGTH from God, through His Spirit, by Jesus' beautiful example and teachings can restore any RELATIONSHIP, if their is a willingness to listen, compromise and rekindle love. Without love, it will seem hopeless. Without God/Jesus; love is not seen the same way. Without hope, there is more and more hostility and futility. Without Jesus (no Jesus ... no peace) there are constant unresolved conflicts, but if you Know Jesus, you will know Peace. And His Holy Spirit will guide and lead you closer, give you hope and rebuild the main foundation in Christ. That's when it's strong! 

Today, Pastor Rick Warren is finishing with Part 4 of Fighting for An Awesome Marriage if you are listening online at Daily Hope. However, yesterday and today in his devotionals he has moved on to the FAMILY. 

Five Things You Must Learn in Your Family, July 27, 2022

How Family Members Help Each Other Grow, July 28, 2022

The You Version reading plan, Awesome Relationships, as I mentioned already does not sync well with this study, even though they are both with Pastor Rick Warren and I must say that the reading plan has some very insightful devotionals. They certainly relate to the Daily Hope devotional and study & add greatly! I already linked to Day 2 at the end of my previous post because it was the BEST!

Here are Day 3, 4, and 5 of the 10 given in the YV reading plan: 

Day 3 Love Build Relationships

Day 4 Less of Me and More of You

Day 5 Love People by Listening

'You Can't Love People Without Listening to Them"

Strong Marriages ... part 1

"Strong Marriages are Good for Everyone"  is part 2 of Pastor Rick Warren's Daily Hope message on "Fighting for an Awesome Marriage". I read and reread & listened to this, and I am the least likely person to write or comment on Marriage - strong or otherwise, even though I have been in this RELATIONSHIP for 50 years & as a marriage, it will be 46 years. Sufficient to know or I still really do not know, yet I wonder how many marriages are like this. As I read Pastor Rick's daily message email, I had many thoughts to insert as comments, so I decided to do so in a blog post. If you have not read or listened to pastor Rick's message, I suggest you do that first in full context before continuing to read here. 

I will start out with what the image says that "God uses marriage to perfect your character" {... ain't that the truth?} (lol) However, I would like to rephrase this quote to include all RELATIONSHIPS that God uses each one to perfect your character in some way - not only in marriage. Pastor Rick has done a great job in including and pointing out how other relationships do also. And I agree - that in every stage, single to married, God will and can use other people to build your character. Clearly, all relationships impact your character to the good or not, build or destroy parts of your character. This I know from a lifetime of experiences! So this quote strikes me even more -

"If you get married, no relationship will have a greater impact on your life."

Pastor Rick has so many good points in such a short message!

It's at this point, I will leave his main message and ask what came to me ... if "Strong Marriages are Good for Everyone" then, if or when you do not have a "strong marriage" and it is lacking or weak, this would mean that this is not good for everyone (and as Pastor Rick mentioned briefly in his second paragraph ... "When marriages and families weaken, cultures decline.") In fact, he does write before this that ...

"Throughout history, marriage has been the fundamental building block of every society and culture. When marriages have been strong, nations have been strong. ..."

This is my concern, looking at the world (our nation) {and even personally at my lifelong marriage that has not been "strong" (healthy, functional)} we have not done well in building strong marriages and families, or passing on an example to follow. Currently, we are witnessing the destruction in our nation. We have not been a very good example in showing how to love.{sadly not even in the church} Relationships are so interconnected, and yet we have still not stopped being selfish or show that we realize it's not all about us, as Pastor Rick wrote about "maturity" (5th paragraph). What we need to know and show is how to love and serve rather than be self-serving, as far too many are right now in our country. And it starts at home, in our families and relationships built.  This is why we fight. But we need to be fighting to build - not tear down. (Ecclesiastes 3)

Building or Fighting for an Awesome Marriage is "fighting the good fight",       

(1 Timothy 6:12) not the kind that is stirring all around us. We have forgotten how to love as Jesus, to be inclusive rather than divisive, or exclusive, we've forgotten the basics of love. (1 Corinthians 13) Our character is lacking. I'm thankful for the good people that have good character. The problem is that we see too many lacking good, strong character and morale fiber. We need to develop and grow up much better than we are doing or showing to others, whether it's our spouses or our families or our communities or the world. Fighting, does not just mean in a physical, violent way (as we see far too much of this in society nowadays) ... it can also mean to struggle to endure; putting forth a determined effort (we need more of this)! 

* My marriage may not be strong, but it is a RELATIONSHIP of 2 strong-headed individuals (God is breaking that in at least one of us that surrenders to Jesus daily). Back in the mid 80s, I fought for ReBuilding our marriage in a small group called ReBuilders, but you can't rebuild alone, at least I couldn't. I fought hard for my marriage early on, because I wanted (needed) to prove to my parents it would work (pride - broken) and then later delivered from my rebellion to my father (& asked for his forgiveness). I fought hard in the 80s for my marriage because we were blessed to be able to adopt two siblings of 3 and they deserved a home with two parents and a family. I was determined (pride) to make wrong - right. Years later, I gave up. I was tired of the unhealthy control. I surrendered (but not to my spouse) to God. Again I was determined to be free, Spirit-controlled, yet I must not have done that right either. It's been a continual daily surrender, to crucify myself to allowing God to work. Some days, I succeed, some days not ... really I should say, some days, God succeeds with me. (sigh) That old flesh takes long to die. I left (ran away) from what I could no longer deal with and returned later. However, the situation and the marriage has still not healed. I gave up fighting for something that really never should have been. I repeatedly have asked for forgiveness, yet have found & received only God's. I live continually paying the consequences for a very wrong choice and decision, made for a lifetime, but with many transgressions. I press on, trying to do my best, but that will only happen when I allow the Holy Spirit to control and help me daily. Not on my own, not by sheer will or determination. I need God and God's wisdom each day and his direction.*

 These final words of wisdom from Pastor Rick would benefit all of us to heed:

"If you’re married, the number one tool that God uses in your life to build Christ-like character is your spouse. Every day you get hundreds of opportunities to think about the other person instead of yourself."

"Excel in showing respect for each other so that you grow to be more like Christ. It will lead to a stronger relationship for you and a stronger society for everyone."

Let us learn to strengthen 
ALL RELATIONSHIPS
with more of the
Character of Christ!
Too many of us have forgotten -
Jesus Christ is gentle, compassionate, kind!
HE PUT US FIRST
as HE GAVE HIS LIFE for us
completely selfless!

I need to learn how to build a strong marriage, one with the character like Christ, but marriage takes two working together. Or else it doesn't work, it just exists.
God is not finish, please say a prayer.

And DAY 2 of Awesome Relationships by Rick Warren at You Version has a very valuable devotional with great insights to"Be Courageous in Your Relationships"

* returned and added this part *

"Positive Prayer Makes Strong Relationships"

starting * today

However, back in my 2016 emails from Pastor Rick Warren & Daily Hope, I came across this title "Positive Prayer Makes Strong Relationships" (which I almost added to my Sunday blog post, but it already was long enough, but I did mention it. It's day 8 in YV plan). As I begin "Awesome Relationships..." I felt this was the best place to start - with prayer. 

Pastor Rick share this scripture verse:

 

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1:9-11 NIV). "

and then asks

"I want you to think of somebody who irritates you — maybe somebody you’ve got a strained relationship with or who just rubs you the wrong way. I have two questions for you: One, do you pray for that person? Or do you just complain and grumble and nag and nitpick? If you prayed more, you’d have a lot less to grumble, complain, nag, and nitpick about. It’s your decision."

I have a person in mind, surely you do too. {c'mon at least one}. 

The key part of this teaching, for me, is the following, from Philippians 1:9-11:

... "From these verses, we can learn to pray for the people in our lives in four ways: Pray that they will grow in love: “This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight.” Pray that they will make wise choices: “... so that you may be able to discern what is best ...” Pray that they will live with integrity: “... and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ ...” Pray that they will become like Jesus: “... filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.” Pray these for yourself and anyone else in your life, and watch how God turns around the relationship you thought was hopeless. Nothing is impossible with God!

Here are a few sites with helpful prayers to start you off praying:

"7 Prayers for a  ... Relationship"

"10 Healing Prayers ... Healthy Relationship"

"... Prayers for Relationships"

Positive prayer and declaring biblical truths over our RELATIONSHIPS is a great place to trust God & release all RELATIONSHIPS into God's hands & direction.

{So I ended up ordering a used copy of this, but it doesn't arrive until August 1-7 ...}It's a good gift to myself if it arrives August 1st.

Series Summary:  Message 1: Fighting for an Awesome Marriage (4 parts)
Message 2: Fighting for an Awesome Family
Message 3: Making Friends for Eternity
Message 4: What Destroys Relationships and What Builds Them
Message 5: Finding the Love of Your Life
Message 6: Becoming Best Friends with God

* I may be wrong about Pastor Rick's Daily Hope starting this one today.

I will try and let you know in the comments or right here. 
I had received an email (June 25) mentioning this starts July 25th onDaily Hope, as July Preview Studies. I hope that it starts today & I'm right.
It's OK, it does start today! 
Awesome Marriage Messages
Marriage is Meant for Connection 7/25/22
Strong Marriages are Good for Everyone 7/26/22