Listening in Relationships

On August 2nd (2022), after re-evaluating my RELATIONSHIPs and deciding that I will start anew, with a different perspective about one of my RELATIONSHIPS (the most difficult one), Pastor Rick's Daily Hope devotional (in my email as well) was:

To Love, You Have to Listen

Living in a household with two people that are hard-of-hearing, but both have hearing aides - just don't always have them in; and also very hard-headed (meaning stubborn and set in their own ways), so listening and hearing are very key every day issues and frustrations. As I was reading Pastor Rick's words, there is so much(so you really need to read it in full if this is an issue for you, too-it's brief) but this just stands out:

... "You can hear something and not really be listening. " ...

In our case, it is both - can't hear very well, even when we think we do; and also we hardly ever listen well. One of us tries more than the other. Frequently, we just want what we're saying to be heard. Because of this, I have a notebook, where I frequently write out brief message, yet sometimes the response is long. I really try not to write at great lengths (contrary to my blog posts-lol) and really try to focus on the most important. Mostly because if what I write strikes a sore spot, I use to get pages of response. I asked for him to write those on separate pages, not in the notebook. The notebook is meant for short, informative messages. I tend to stay with that, but at times I find myself doing like he did, reacting. Since I established this written communication to avoid flare-ups or any arguments, I need to hold back often from writing, too. 

I so agree with Pastor Rick's first statement: 

"Listening is probably the most important skill in building friendships and relationships."

Both of us, as educators, were highly involved in Human Relation classes that included Communication as a large component of it (60 hours required by the State of Minnesota). This was/is a very important common interest and value for both of us (so I thought; without really noticing it was kind of one-sided - "I talk, You listen", which carries through until today). I struggle to get my chance to speak or that I won't be able to, so I speak fast (without consideration at times and interrupt) to get my part in and because of poor habit, I also speak loud to be heard. I know that both are inexcusable as bad habits of mine, which I try to work on and be aware when I am doing it. Being short of patience, is a fault of mine also. I am just saying this because I know I need to work on this especially if my emotions are involved; and that God is helping me work on this. He allows me much grace, so I, too, must allow grace.

However, the most important statement from Pastor Rick for me, that goes with this problem of mine (ours) is: 

... "Listening with empathy means you listen without interruption and you listen for what’s not being said—the feelings and fears behind the words. And you don’t need to try to fix the situation; sometimes healing comes just from someone listening! "

OUCH!!!!
This is a good message - much needed by yours truly!
Listening without listening to the other is a one-side dialog, not a conversation.Often, in my case, it's not even a dialog, but a lecture or teaching pointthat I need to hear/ pay attention.  Whereas, when I speak, I usually am expressing feelings or asking about something.
This is when a RELATIONSHIP becomes a RELATIONSHIP.When it's mutual listening and sharing.
The word RELATIONSHIP has RELATE as its root word. So "relating" is part of this -"Relate" means to make or show a connection and feel sympathy with as you identify with ... 
Make Listening an integral part of your mutual RELATIONSHIP(s)!

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A Side Note: In 2022, I have been enjoying a Daily Devotional that I frequently have shared on here - "Jesus Listens". I know and have known that Jesus Listens, my problem is to be still and know - how to LISTEN to Him. Hmmm - same problem (sigh, ouch)! I really do try to do this as well as I am working on it with the human relationships, but when I am still, giving Him (God) a chance to speak (not audibly, but by His Spirit within me), my mind starts to wander and ramble on and I lose staying focused, waiting in the silence to hear Him. I get anxious, I guess, in the waiting and not hearing. Or not thinking He will speak. Then there are times that I hear Him speaking in so many ways and connecting what I read in His Word with other devotionals and email messages - as if He is speaking to me from all sides just to get my attention. I will do better Lord! If I want to be heard or given attention, I must do the same first. 
"Lord, help me to be especially sensitive to my hearing skills. May I listen twice as much as I speak, but yet be very liberal in applying Your keys to all my life situations. Whenever You return, I pray I’ll be ready and so will my household. In Jesus name, Amen." {from a YV plan}

As I am writing to publish this, Pastor Rick Warren has finished the Awesome Families parts 1-4; and moved forward to our Relationship with God. "Becoming Best Friends with God - Part 1". I was going to wait until Friday, and give you a break in reading my posts, but I never know when something I hear or read in Awesome Relationships will inspire me to write again. Thank you for reading. 

"You Can Fake Religion But Not A Relationship"

Very recently, I read a devotional with this title "You can fake religion, but not a RELATIONSHIP", which is similar to the Christian cliché that I'm guilty of using: "Christianity is not a religion, it's a RELATIONSHIP". Once again, this stuck with me, like "Strong Marriages...", so I was mulling it over because what the devotional mentioned just wasn't enough for me. As you know, this causes me to go on a 'google search' and so I did, but I'd like to share my own opinions and thoughts about this.

First, as regards the part, "you can fake religion" ... sadly this is so true, and more and more true, in the days in which we live.  "A group of people adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices qualifies as a religion", according to an author at GTY (Grace to You), close to the definition by Merriam-Webster. I think most of us can agree with this definition. In the devotional, I think the main point was stated in the sentence: "... we can fake religion all day long and for our entire lives if we want; it's called posing." So, I looked up what 'posing' means and found: to assume a particular attitude or stance, especially with the hope of impressing others. I definitely have found this to be true in the Church, or with people faking that they are religious or affiliated with such-and-such religion, as if it absolves them from a situation or being responsible. They are very good about picking up the Christian terminology and using Biblical quotes, many times out-of-context. On one hand they say one thing, but on the other hand, they act differently - also known as a 'Pharisee' or a 'hypocrite' or as another cliché says: they "talk the talk, not walk the walk". Good at saying the right things but not behaving in the way they themselves suggest. I, even know a RELATIONSHIP that had a great influence in my life and even in the life of my children, who spoke professionally about building self-esteem and other human relation topics, but in that person's home life, or personal life, it was entirely different and esteem was lacking. So it happens in non-religious ways also. We all need to do better "to walk the talk"; and not fake it. Back in 2017-2018, I read and reviewed a book "No More Faking Fine", which we also do too often. So yes, we do and can fake religion, likewise, "The Difference between Real Faith and Fake Faith by Pastor Rick Warren, explains this. The passages in scripture given in the devotional are Matthew 7:22-23 (NIV); with Matthew 28:8-10 and Revelation 3: 20.

The second part, about faking ... a RELATIONSHIP, I think is speaking about a RELATIONSHIP with God through Jesus. A REAL RELATIONSHIP! Because in real life, I have to disagree - because I believe that there are "fake RELATIONSHIPS". In fact, I 'google searched' and right away came up with millions of results like: "20 Signs You're in a Fake Relationship" and "15 Ways to Identify You are in One". I must admit, that I have not read them (i didn't want any more ideas-lol) - I just needed verification that I was right that people do fake RELATIONSHIPS. Thus, "You Can Fake Religion But Not A Relationship" is not true completely. I have read and reread the devotional, trying to understand or find out what I'm missing, and my conclusion is that it must be referring to a spiritual RELATIONSHIP only because human RELATIONSHIPS are capable of faking a lot. "Religion Vs Relationship" clears this up much better. I really enjoy what their image quote says, because being in Church, does not mean you have a RELATIONSHIP and not always will it indicate you have a RELIGION and not being in Church, does not necessarily mean that you don't.   (especially since Covid-19) {Yes, we do need fellowship and gathering together with like minds but we still can worship, be in the Word daily, and be with God everywhere. Worship is Life. Living it.}.

Also reading a Catholic response to "Is Christianity about Relationship, not religion?" by Father Mike Schmitz, is interesting and helpful for me (having been raised as a Catholic). It gives me that perspective. 

It was even more interesting to see that the results in my initial search turns out with some other related links of Religious compatibility and RELATIONSHIP. But this opens up a whole other topic of diverse opinions and of great length (for a different time).Yet, as regards my own life, it clearly does and did impact me greatly.

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When I began writing this post, I had a different thread or purpose in mind, I started agreeing with the title, yet this is where I was led. Glad I worked through it. As you might be able to tell, I am doing quite a bit of soul-searching as regards my RELATIONSHIPS. It helps me in sorting out my thoughts to write it out especially when my own RELATIONSHIP and my spiritual life have been greatly affected; but my religious beliefs are an integral part of me. I have not always lived up to my RELIGION in my RELATIONSHIPS yet I also have tried not to be fake about either. Sometimes I am overly honest and at other times, I have not been until later. It has stained my spiritual walk. My Christianity is not fake, it is based on what I believe from the Bible and the life of Jesus Christ. For me, being a Christian means following Jesus Christ - His Way & His teachings, the best I can. I hope through the MESSES of my life journey that this blog has shared, I have begun to walk the talk better. Maybe I need to go back and read some of the articles I linked. But I choose not to be a FAKE - in my Religion and in my RELATIONSHIPS and also as Esther Fleece wrote: "No More Faking Fine ... Ending the Pretending"! 

I hope that if we have a RELATIONSHIP, you find it and me to be REAL. If not, we need to work on it, right? I know that day by day, my RELATIONSHIP with God, is vital to me and very REAL, and getting better. I pray yours is also. If not, having a real RELATIONSHIP with God, is available always. If you need help, scroll down and follow the links in "Do You Know Jesus".

Thank you for reading.