Listening in Relationships

On August 2nd (2022), after re-evaluating my RELATIONSHIPs and deciding that I will start anew, with a different perspective about one of my RELATIONSHIPS (the most difficult one), Pastor Rick's Daily Hope devotional (in my email as well) was:

To Love, You Have to Listen

Living in a household with two people that are hard-of-hearing, but both have hearing aides - just don't always have them in; and also very hard-headed (meaning stubborn and set in their own ways), so listening and hearing are very key every day issues and frustrations. As I was reading Pastor Rick's words, there is so much(so you really need to read it in full if this is an issue for you, too-it's brief) but this just stands out:

... "You can hear something and not really be listening. " ...

In our case, it is both - can't hear very well, even when we think we do; and also we hardly ever listen well. One of us tries more than the other. Frequently, we just want what we're saying to be heard. Because of this, I have a notebook, where I frequently write out brief message, yet sometimes the response is long. I really try not to write at great lengths (contrary to my blog posts-lol) and really try to focus on the most important. Mostly because if what I write strikes a sore spot, I use to get pages of response. I asked for him to write those on separate pages, not in the notebook. The notebook is meant for short, informative messages. I tend to stay with that, but at times I find myself doing like he did, reacting. Since I established this written communication to avoid flare-ups or any arguments, I need to hold back often from writing, too. 

I so agree with Pastor Rick's first statement: 

"Listening is probably the most important skill in building friendships and relationships."

Both of us, as educators, were highly involved in Human Relation classes that included Communication as a large component of it (60 hours required by the State of Minnesota). This was/is a very important common interest and value for both of us (so I thought; without really noticing it was kind of one-sided - "I talk, You listen", which carries through until today). I struggle to get my chance to speak or that I won't be able to, so I speak fast (without consideration at times and interrupt) to get my part in and because of poor habit, I also speak loud to be heard. I know that both are inexcusable as bad habits of mine, which I try to work on and be aware when I am doing it. Being short of patience, is a fault of mine also. I am just saying this because I know I need to work on this especially if my emotions are involved; and that God is helping me work on this. He allows me much grace, so I, too, must allow grace.

However, the most important statement from Pastor Rick for me, that goes with this problem of mine (ours) is: 

... "Listening with empathy means you listen without interruption and you listen for what’s not being said—the feelings and fears behind the words. And you don’t need to try to fix the situation; sometimes healing comes just from someone listening! "

OUCH!!!!
This is a good message - much needed by yours truly!
Listening without listening to the other is a one-side dialog, not a conversation.Often, in my case, it's not even a dialog, but a lecture or teaching pointthat I need to hear/ pay attention.  Whereas, when I speak, I usually am expressing feelings or asking about something.
This is when a RELATIONSHIP becomes a RELATIONSHIP.When it's mutual listening and sharing.
The word RELATIONSHIP has RELATE as its root word. So "relating" is part of this -"Relate" means to make or show a connection and feel sympathy with as you identify with ... 
Make Listening an integral part of your mutual RELATIONSHIP(s)!

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A Side Note: In 2022, I have been enjoying a Daily Devotional that I frequently have shared on here - "Jesus Listens". I know and have known that Jesus Listens, my problem is to be still and know - how to LISTEN to Him. Hmmm - same problem (sigh, ouch)! I really do try to do this as well as I am working on it with the human relationships, but when I am still, giving Him (God) a chance to speak (not audibly, but by His Spirit within me), my mind starts to wander and ramble on and I lose staying focused, waiting in the silence to hear Him. I get anxious, I guess, in the waiting and not hearing. Or not thinking He will speak. Then there are times that I hear Him speaking in so many ways and connecting what I read in His Word with other devotionals and email messages - as if He is speaking to me from all sides just to get my attention. I will do better Lord! If I want to be heard or given attention, I must do the same first. 
"Lord, help me to be especially sensitive to my hearing skills. May I listen twice as much as I speak, but yet be very liberal in applying Your keys to all my life situations. Whenever You return, I pray I’ll be ready and so will my household. In Jesus name, Amen." {from a YV plan}

As I am writing to publish this, Pastor Rick Warren has finished the Awesome Families parts 1-4; and moved forward to our Relationship with God. "Becoming Best Friends with God - Part 1". I was going to wait until Friday, and give you a break in reading my posts, but I never know when something I hear or read in Awesome Relationships will inspire me to write again. Thank you for reading. 

"You Can Fake Religion But Not A Relationship"

Very recently, I read a devotional with this title "You can fake religion, but not a RELATIONSHIP", which is similar to the Christian cliché that I'm guilty of using: "Christianity is not a religion, it's a RELATIONSHIP". Once again, this stuck with me, like "Strong Marriages...", so I was mulling it over because what the devotional mentioned just wasn't enough for me. As you know, this causes me to go on a 'google search' and so I did, but I'd like to share my own opinions and thoughts about this.

First, as regards the part, "you can fake religion" ... sadly this is so true, and more and more true, in the days in which we live.  "A group of people adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices qualifies as a religion", according to an author at GTY (Grace to You), close to the definition by Merriam-Webster. I think most of us can agree with this definition. In the devotional, I think the main point was stated in the sentence: "... we can fake religion all day long and for our entire lives if we want; it's called posing." So, I looked up what 'posing' means and found: to assume a particular attitude or stance, especially with the hope of impressing others. I definitely have found this to be true in the Church, or with people faking that they are religious or affiliated with such-and-such religion, as if it absolves them from a situation or being responsible. They are very good about picking up the Christian terminology and using Biblical quotes, many times out-of-context. On one hand they say one thing, but on the other hand, they act differently - also known as a 'Pharisee' or a 'hypocrite' or as another cliché says: they "talk the talk, not walk the walk". Good at saying the right things but not behaving in the way they themselves suggest. I, even know a RELATIONSHIP that had a great influence in my life and even in the life of my children, who spoke professionally about building self-esteem and other human relation topics, but in that person's home life, or personal life, it was entirely different and esteem was lacking. So it happens in non-religious ways also. We all need to do better "to walk the talk"; and not fake it. Back in 2017-2018, I read and reviewed a book "No More Faking Fine", which we also do too often. So yes, we do and can fake religion, likewise, "The Difference between Real Faith and Fake Faith by Pastor Rick Warren, explains this. The passages in scripture given in the devotional are Matthew 7:22-23 (NIV); with Matthew 28:8-10 and Revelation 3: 20.

The second part, about faking ... a RELATIONSHIP, I think is speaking about a RELATIONSHIP with God through Jesus. A REAL RELATIONSHIP! Because in real life, I have to disagree - because I believe that there are "fake RELATIONSHIPS". In fact, I 'google searched' and right away came up with millions of results like: "20 Signs You're in a Fake Relationship" and "15 Ways to Identify You are in One". I must admit, that I have not read them (i didn't want any more ideas-lol) - I just needed verification that I was right that people do fake RELATIONSHIPS. Thus, "You Can Fake Religion But Not A Relationship" is not true completely. I have read and reread the devotional, trying to understand or find out what I'm missing, and my conclusion is that it must be referring to a spiritual RELATIONSHIP only because human RELATIONSHIPS are capable of faking a lot. "Religion Vs Relationship" clears this up much better. I really enjoy what their image quote says, because being in Church, does not mean you have a RELATIONSHIP and not always will it indicate you have a RELIGION and not being in Church, does not necessarily mean that you don't.   (especially since Covid-19) {Yes, we do need fellowship and gathering together with like minds but we still can worship, be in the Word daily, and be with God everywhere. Worship is Life. Living it.}.

Also reading a Catholic response to "Is Christianity about Relationship, not religion?" by Father Mike Schmitz, is interesting and helpful for me (having been raised as a Catholic). It gives me that perspective. 

It was even more interesting to see that the results in my initial search turns out with some other related links of Religious compatibility and RELATIONSHIP. But this opens up a whole other topic of diverse opinions and of great length (for a different time).Yet, as regards my own life, it clearly does and did impact me greatly.

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When I began writing this post, I had a different thread or purpose in mind, I started agreeing with the title, yet this is where I was led. Glad I worked through it. As you might be able to tell, I am doing quite a bit of soul-searching as regards my RELATIONSHIPS. It helps me in sorting out my thoughts to write it out especially when my own RELATIONSHIP and my spiritual life have been greatly affected; but my religious beliefs are an integral part of me. I have not always lived up to my RELIGION in my RELATIONSHIPS yet I also have tried not to be fake about either. Sometimes I am overly honest and at other times, I have not been until later. It has stained my spiritual walk. My Christianity is not fake, it is based on what I believe from the Bible and the life of Jesus Christ. For me, being a Christian means following Jesus Christ - His Way & His teachings, the best I can. I hope through the MESSES of my life journey that this blog has shared, I have begun to walk the talk better. Maybe I need to go back and read some of the articles I linked. But I choose not to be a FAKE - in my Religion and in my RELATIONSHIPS and also as Esther Fleece wrote: "No More Faking Fine ... Ending the Pretending"! 

I hope that if we have a RELATIONSHIP, you find it and me to be REAL. If not, we need to work on it, right? I know that day by day, my RELATIONSHIP with God, is vital to me and very REAL, and getting better. I pray yours is also. If not, having a real RELATIONSHIP with God, is available always. If you need help, scroll down and follow the links in "Do You Know Jesus".

Thank you for reading. 

   

Mid -year 'RELATIONSHIP' Review from Jesus Listens - Part 1

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The week of the 4th of July, I decided to do a search for RELATIONSHIP in the "Jesus Listens" devotional (since, besides having the actual book and reading it daily, I got a great deal on the Kindle ebook, which allows one to search). The search highlighted 27 references starting on January 4th through December 26th. Some of them were in the same devotion, so I have decided that I would share the key sentences from these prayers with the Word RELATIONSHIP - mainly because they focus on my RELATIONSHIP with God, which, as I've stated, has been my first and main area to center on this far in 2022. Since half the year is rapidly gone, I will continue with my God RELATIONSHIP as I expand now to those earthly RELATIONSHIPS (that I have avoided facing or working on; as to what God desires to do in each RELATIONSHIP). I hope that I will begin shifting my godly RELATIONSHIP principles to those here on earth while staying attuned to that Awesome RELATIONSHIP with God (the Father, Son & Holy Spirit) and refining all my RELATIONSHIPS to reflect the influence that God has given me.

Here are some of the results of "Jesus Listens" as regards RELATIONSHIP:

"I've discovered that You are the SomeOne who can satisfy my deep-seated longings. In my RELATIONSHIP with You, I become more completely who I really am." January 4th, Jesus Listens

"My RELATIONSHIP with You has been secure ever since I trusted You as my all-sufficient Savior. Help me remember that I a Your beloved child - this is my permanent identity." February 10, Jesus Listens

♬"The More I love You, the More I seek You,The More I seek You, the More I love You"🎝

"Telling You all my struggles enhances my RELATIONSHIP with You and creates a peaceful intimacy." March 25, Jesus Listens

"Instead of weighing myself down with matters that are not my responsibility, I yearn to make my RELATIONSHIP with You my primary focus. Please remind me to talk with You about whatever is on my mind, seeking Your perspective on the situation. Rather than trying to fix everything around me ..." March 27, Jesus Listens

"I've been learning that my intimate RELATIONSHIP with You is a powerful antidote to feelings of loneliness." April 19, Jesus Listens

"I've found that thanksgiving and praise put me in proper RELATIONSHIP with You - opening the way for Your Joy to flow into me as I draw near You in worship." May 9, Jesus Listens

"My RELATIONSHIP with You transcends all my circumstances!" ... "And help me really believe - in the depths of my being - that my adequacy rests in my RELATIONSHIP with You, Lord" May 10, Jesus Listens

"When I choose to talk with You about the situation, I'm blessed in several ways. First, communicating with You - in all circumstances - strengthens my RELATIONSHIP with You." May 19, Jesus Listens

"Knowing I'm perfectly, eternally loved improves my RELATIONSHIP with others and helps me grow into the person You designed me to be." May 30, Jesus Listens

"In You I have found Joy Inexpressible and full of Glory! Thisamazing Joy is available nowhere else; I find it only in my RELATIONSHIP with You." June 7, Jesus Listens

"An ungrateful attitude dishonors You and weakens my RELATIONSHIP with You. Help me remember that I am receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken - no matter what is happening in my life or in the world." June 12, Jesus Listens

"Help me to be joyful always and pray continually. I've learned that the only way I can keep rejoicing is to find moment-by-moment pleasure in my RELATIONSHIP with You - the One who is always with me. This RELATIONSHIP is so full of comfort and encouragement that it's possible for me to be joyful in hope even when I'm struggling with adversity." ... "Thanking You in every situation strengthens my RELATIONSHIP with You and increases my Joy." July 12, Jesus Listens

"Through spending time with You, I begin to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is Your love for me. Sometimes the RELATIONSHIP You offer me seems too good to be true. You pour Your very life into me, and all I have to do is receive You." July17, Jesus Listens

I only shared through July for now, don't want to get ahead of myself.

I noticed or re-realized how much my RELATIONSHIP depends on an Awesome God as I re-read these and made them my RELATIONSHIP prayer and also how no human RELATIONSHIP could or should compare, although we really should exemplify the beautiful concepts of how complete His Love is and no human can fill that place in us - it's meant just for God! Our expectations in our human RELATIONSHIPS should not place that person in that role or believe or treat them like they should reach or comply. After all, they're only human, and so are we. At times, our human RELATIONSHIPS have wounded us and left us expecting more; (and then others have healed us) leaving us still with residual of the difficult RELATIONSHIPS - yeah, we carry the side effects (baggage) in the next & the next until we heal. So, it seems we need support, counsel and life-changing RELATIONSHIP principles, in order to respond differently and truly transform those difficult ones through biblically-based principles as our guide; and there's no better example than Jesus!
The Bible says plenty about RELATIONSHIPS, yet too many of us hold misconceptions of what it really says and what is right in response to the many dilemmas we face. I have finally learned, after years, that I can only change myself (which is difficult enough) so I certainly shouldn't think that I can change the other one in the RELATIONSHIP, who I think should change (they probably do too), but only God can make the changes in them through His Spirit at work in them. There's nothing or no way I can change someone else. So here's where I begin on my other RELATIONSHIPS - by me CHANGING, and maybe I will Change My Relationship(s) - one day at a time, one RELATIONSHIP at a time. I want to become healthy in my RELATIONSHIPS for the rest of my life journey and 2022 will help me reinforce, remind, and renew the right and best ways to apply the knowledge to living it out better with God's help and guidance by His Holy Spirit. 
I commit to my RELATIONSHIP changes starting today 
August 1, 2022 (the anniversary of one of the RELATIONSHIPS I need to change, God willing) 
[This was a review of my readings but also of my progress. So how am I doing with my RELATIONSHIPS? God & me 8+ with OTHERS 4-...needs improvement]
So, this is just a beginning of my RELATIONSHIP review - it's the real-life review that counts the most! Jesus IS Listening, for this I am so thankful, now I need to do a better job of listening to Him. 
*** I hope you remembered that the Jesus Listen has/had this Discussion Guide available on Kindle for free. Although I have only shared the LOVE Discussion, there are 10 more: Peace, Health, Discipline, Joy, Freedom, Healing, Humility, Community, Obedience, Responsibility. Also available on the Jesus Calling website. Maybe it's time for me to do some more of this.
postdate: On August 2nd, Pastor Rick Warren's devotional -  "To Love, You Have to Listen"
[Sorry, for 2 posts in one day. I did not realize this was set for today too, because this is a little past Mid Year, which should have been a month ago, but this was a good time for me to review in this way. This post was here though since the beginning of July, whereas my 1st post today, was not and was more of a therapeutic one for me to write.]

Restoration Celebration Some Day

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{this originally was the title when I started this post} No More Anniversary Celebrations on August 1st ... For years! No surprise. An awkward moment for others as to what to say or whether to send a card, and yet I have finally become accustomed to the fact that it won't be celebrated or even acknowledged by the other half, however I still consider it a momentous event in my life. There are many reasons (that I won't go into today) but today marks 46 years of marriage, that we will not be celebrating it together. One of us, does not even think of us as being married, just living or sharing a house together, I guess out of necessity or obligation. Yes, we both have failed in many ways our married life, but we are still legally married and live together.

A few years back, after returning from Mexico, I decided I would mark this day with another reason to celebrate, or better yet I chose to go out and get me a new car. I really needed one since my 1996 Ford van barely made it home. In fact, it was loaded to the brim with some of my earthly possessions and my 3 dogs, when it broke down completely 2 hours from the border. It was the transmission, so that's a pretty big part to have to fix, but I did & made it back to Minnesota. It just was not going to make it much further. Because of this, I felt justified in purchasing a 2007 Dodge Caliber, which only made it until this past winter. But each year since I got it, I had something to celebrate on the 1st of August, my new car. When I finally took it to a repair shop, I was told it wasn't fixable and that they would not even allow or be liable for me driving it home. This sounds pretty much like my marriage. What a sad comparison! Not too many of you would compare your marriage to a vehicle. It was all rusted out underneath. So has my marriage been for many years. Underneath the main frame, the foundation of my marriage, was corroding. It never had been built solid with the necessary basics, nor was it maintained, until it was totally in a state of bad condition beyond repair and all warning signs had gone unnoticed. So this year, I no longer thought I'd have my Caliber car and the date to celebrate on my anniversary. But, lo and behold, a special young friend and mechanic, told me that he would pick up the car and tow it home to find out if it was salvageable, because he's good at restoration of vehicles. I wasn't sure about the timing or if I could ever trust it again, so when another vehicle became available that I thought I could afford, I purchased a new 2013, but not on any significant date. Meanwhile, he found out that he could, and DID restore the 2007 Caliber. I only wish the same could be said of my marriage. 

SO, Believe it or not, I decided to do a 'google search' about the celebration alone on this day ... and there were millions of results. I was shocked! The first one was from Wiki How with "12 Ways to Celebrate An Anniversary in a Bad Marriage". WOW! Many I have tried in the last half of our marriage. I was not sure if my non-existent marriage relationship qualified as bad ... or what? But I decided I needed to read this and some of the other results given. You would think by now, I might be able to come up with my own ideas on how to celebrate alone. It seems like most of my adult life, I've had to learn to substitute ways to celebrate and make this occasion and others memorable and enjoy the day, by myself or with other special people in my life, without revealing always the event or that I was celebrating. By reading through the google search results and choosing to read some, I found out, I am not alone and that there are other kinds of reasons that people are befuddled about what to do (alone) on their anniversary. Another one I found helpful to share: "Surviving An Anniversary..."

The day is still significant to me! It will always be a mark in a significant way to my life journey. I have invested many years into staying on course, or returning to the course, like the prodigal story in the Bible. I am content to no longer think that our marriage is salvageable, or believe in the happy-ever-after in my marriage. Years ago, no - decades, I decided that rebuilding takes more than one and that the term: irreconcilable or incompatible described this relationship. In fact, I concluded, what I already knew deep inside ... that it was never meant to be. Yet God in His mercy and grace, has been faithful to me, and the promise of Romans 8:28 that God works for our good in all things, and He has throughout all these 46 years of marriage and more years invested in this relationship, He will. I have seen the good and the people and circumstances that God has allowed in my life to help me through this... for better, and for worse; for richer or for poorer; in sickness and in health ... God gives me the hope and strength; the love and perseverance to press on. Waiting while God continues to work in each of us; the best is yet to be and worth celebrating, God's faithfulness and His promises of restoration. With God, through Jesus Christ, nothing is impossible (Matthew 19:26) and He, who began a good work in me, is faithful to carry it on to completion (Philippians 1:6 and 2:13), I believe and hold on to God's Promises, and await even Joel 2:25 of restoration. That's worth celebrating! 

[Why even write a post like this?]
In case, like I, someone else needs to be encouraged in their emptiness, as I was as I read Wiki and others in my search. I truly was flabbergasted. I understood the ones about spouses after death (or divorce, which is a death of sorts) BUT in a marriage struggling or bad or on the rocks, I could not even fathom that there would be much or anything. I just knew that today I needed to stop and write something - for me, and hopefully that one other who needed this hope in an endless trail of disappointment, regret, chaotic life choices, whatever hurts. God can heal and will restore, if we give it to Him (one day at a time - sometimes one second, minute or hour at a time) until the release comes and we know. He never fails, He always forgives, He is with us in the good and the bad, we can depend on Him! He is faithful! He still redeems! 

UPDATE: 

[* image - where I enjoyed my delicious anniversary dinner, with dried up flowers (dead, symbolic) I've saved since Mother's Day, but not from my spouse or our children. This is near my spot on our deck, where my new pup can join me. The card I gave him was tossed out. It was a personal note to go with a book I gave him, "Streets of God" (he did keep that). I then left on this top 10 weather day to a special lake spot a little north from here with Bella (pronounced Bay-yah), our new pup, she'll be 1 year old at the end of the month]  

FAMILIES

In the Radio Teaching Series with Pastor Rick Warren on Awesome RELATIONSHIPS,  the Message is divided into 4 parts on "Fighting for an Awesome Family". I believe we all would like to have Awesome Families - the one we originate from and the one we have as adults. I have an awesome extended family but only 2 left in my original biological family, I love them dearly, but at times, our relationship seems strained or distant over the years. So My Church Family, for many years, is the one I counted on, because 'they' (many of the members in the Church) became and were Family to me (and my kids) which exemplified the role of a good, healthy, spirit-filled family. In many ways, 'they' took us under their wings (so to speak) and included us as part of their families, showing us care and so much more. I can never adequately thank any of them, but tried to do so often during those years.Since I brought our kids to church alone and frequently throughout the week, not just Sunday, Church, for me, is/was my family. Yes, I had my biological family and a spouse, so I was not a single parent, yet 'they' nourished the spiritual aspect of family and helped us even have fun. That is the Message of today's devotional from Pastor Rick Warren: "Families Should Be Fun" - I couldn't agree more, however I realize that wasn't always the case then and now, even with our grandchildren, which saddens me. But I skipped ahead quite a few of the devotionals, so let me go back to the first devotional on "...Awesome Families" because it is/was essential to begin this part on Families. 

"Five Things You Must Learn in Your Family"
Awesome Families encourage growth

I will just list the 5, so you'll need to go and read the short devotional linked to understand them better and to get the full context.

1. You learn what to do with feelings. 2. You learn how to handle conflict. 3. You learn how to handle loss. 4. You learn which values matter most. 5. You learn good habits.

You can use this to evaluate your own family relationships - both your own personal family from which you came and then the one you were part of as an adult (created or adopted or otherwise - like my spiritual family became later). I'll just say that in both of the families, I lived with - I do not fare well in these 5 - either having learned or instilling through teaching and example. And not because I did not try. I agree with Pastor Rick's opening that "they create an atmosphere of lifelong learning." Some, I'm getting better at personally, but I'm still learning in my old age, because I never learned, nor do I think (feel) that I knew how to pass them on or function as a healthy family/individuals (at least in 3 out of the 5). I believe that values and habits were part of both families yet the question may be - how good? As in the previous "Awesome RELATIONSHIPS" of Marriage, that I do not feel qualified to write or share about - the same goes for Families.

"Fighting for an Awesome Family" Part 1 (July 29, 2022) Radio/ available as a Podcast too on Spotify or probably wherever you listen.  The other 3 parts of the Radio teaching will be on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. However, here are the devotionals: 

 

How Family Members Help Each Other Grow   7/28/22 Relationships Are a Raincoat in Life's Storms  7/29/22 Leave a Legacy of Hospitality                        7/30/22 Families Should Be Fun (linked above)           7/31/22

{I'm thinking that if you read these after the broadcast, the links may not work, because the messages will be archived, depending on when you read this. Sorry.}


[I, even include many dogs as part of our family, which you dog owners will understand. I believe that caring for animals and loving them teaches invaluable lessons on values and good habits. Yet dogs, for me (even though I've had horses and other animals, to care for as an adult) love unconditionally and they have taught me many lessons. In Mexico, for the 20 years I lived there, dogs were a big part of my life there - they were my family away from people family back home. All of those special dogs, my family for years, some since birth or soon after- so 15 years+) are now all gone, but I have the hope of Rainbow Bridge and I know that they are/have been teaching me #1 and #3, even still in their absence. I also have a beautiful Mexican (people) family that included me there. As far as dogs, I am just starting over with one, rather than 6 and also a rescue one that I share with the owner. An excellent author on pet loss is Kate McGahan (and her Jack), but of course, there are many others. Also there are great books written on Lessons Learned from Dogs ... Horses, etc. So, if humans seem to be failing you in this, try a loving pet or a good book.] 

Let's keep building (and learning) on Awesome RELATIONSHIPS!