There are times in everyone’s lives when it feels hard or even impossible to forgive. Most of us realize the need for forgiveness in order to achieve a release of negative feelings and move on with our lives in a positive direction, but it is often difficult to truly allow ourselves to heal from past emotional injuries. But in order for us to move forward, we must forgive.
The first occurrence of rape, I was naive and understood very little about the pain that had just been inflicted on me or the impact or even why I was bleeding. I remember grabbing my clothes quickly, pushing and running into the bathroom, locking the door, and leaning my back against it, while I cried & ran a tub of water...promising my intruder that I would not tell and "I forgave him...just leave me alone." The "forgiveness" was just words but I learned that it needed to become a matter from my heart to make it real. To make a difference in my life, forgiveness was needed to release me so I could heal.
I soaked in that tub of warm water, hoping it could cleanse me or I could wipe away all the pain and all I was feeling inside & outside. I knew than and I know now that it was Jesus who held me, washed me, cleansed me and healed me. He kept me pure in my heart though I no longer could claim my purity, He restored my purity in my heart. I soaked in His loving arms and I left my troubled heart there.
There comes a time in the healing when you not only need to forgive the perpetrator, but those who did not protect you or keep you from harm as well as your self. It is a long road to recovery and mending the brokenness. As I thought about not being protected by someone, I realized that they really had no idea of the incidence so how could I hold anyone accountable. It's just that inside, you want to be clean and feel protected, and cleansing comes in the forgiveness.
There was no reason for shame, but I struggled with this inside. There was blame, but not for long. I was not mature physically, because I was little and a late bloomer. There was no real understanding of the repercussions this one event plays in molding you. It was not continuous, yet you wonder to yourself, as damaged goods, what is it in you that caused this to happen. You wonder and question all justice, all suffering, all purity, any innocence you once thought you owned...gone. It is said that one who is abused sexually or at a young age violated, that they have two courses they generally follow in life; one of hardness, where prostitution is a means of escape or reclaiming, and the other choice is to close down, become very reserved and never learn to freely give oneself to your lifelong partner. Not very great options! I was neither by the grace of God but I know many of my problems came from this.
When it occurred 20 years later, I was devastated, because it was in my own home and my children were home being home schooled. Yet this time, I was not naive, but still could not stop this person from violating me. I fought and resisted, evident to my doctor, by the tears inside of me. I lived in fear, locking my gate & house for months, crying inside for no apparent reason except knowing this violation was not the first time and wondering why once more. I was led to forgive again. The circumstances and the person do not matter, what matters is being released from the negative influences on me, my psyche, my spirit, my value. This is why I was in counseling with my pastor, on this very topic, to lead me through the steps of forgiveness that I needed to experience and be free from all hindrances, so I could walk in victory over the darkness in my life.
I became a volunteer crisis phone line/prayer counselor, director of a center, and teacher with a wonderful ministry in the Twin Cities area, to help other victims through prayer but instead of receiving calls from victims, the LORD allowed perpetrators to call in that I needed to pray with...which ended up teaching me true forgiveness.
We also had a ministry program on television, that I was asked to participate in as one of the counselors, but the person for that evening was unable to show up to discuss the topic due to inclement weather.
So the ministry director asked me if I knew anyone or anything about someone who had been through a rape, because that was the topic and he had a former, delivered rapist, but the rape victim was not able to be there. So I appeared that night on t.v. with the rapist and our director, as the interviewer, where for my first time, we openly discussed my experience and his, but what was there, more than us and our stories, was the power of forgiveness, grace & God's divine intervention.
I hoped that no one I knew would be viewing that evening, except the victim or perpetrator that needed this from God. But as it was, people from my church tuned in. Now what I had not shared with many, now many more became aware of that hidden part of my life and there was a sweet outpouring of love in response to me. What they mentioned to me that allowed me to see God's grace and power was that, they did not just hear what happened, but how God flowed from me with His love, acceptance and mostly FORGIVENESS. I praise God that He showed up in a big way and transformed my pain into His gain.
Why do I share this? I share this as a way to glorify the Greatness of Our God & the Freedom of FORGIVENESS! I am so thankful that God, my Divine Protector is, was and always will be there with me...for HE NEVER LEAVES US nor FORSAKES US. He can change both the perpetrator and the victim with HIS GRACE & FORGIVENESS when it flows freely from the throne and fills that empty, shattered or cracked life. Both of us needed healing. His GRACE for me is no different than for the offender. I'm so thankful we can both go to HIM!
These are the steps of forgiveness, in brief that walked me into Christ's victory (if you need more on this, the books by Neil T. Anderson are the BEST in my opinion):
- Ask the Lord to reveal to your mind the people you need to forgive. Make a list
- Acknowledge the hurt and the hate. As you work through the list of people you need to forgive, state specifically for what you are forgiving them. Also state how their offenses made you feel. If you bury your feelings, you will bypass the possibility of forgiveness. You must forgive from your heart.
- Understand the significance of the cross. The cross of Christ makes forgiveness legally and morally right. The heart cries, “It isn’t fair! Where’s the justice?” It is in the Cross.
- Decide you will bear the burden of each person’s sins. This means you will not retaliate in the future by using the information about their sins against them. All true forgiveness is substitutionary , as was Christ’s forgiveness of us. That doesn’t mean you tolerate sin or refuse to testify in a court of law. You may have to do that for justice to prevail. Just make sure you have forgiven that person from your heart first.
- Decide to forgive. Forgiveness is a crisis of the will, a conscious choice to let the other person off the hook and to free yourself from the past. Your first concern is to receive freedom from your past and stop the pain. Make that decision now; your feelings of forgiveness will follow in time.
- Take your list to God and pray the following: “I forgive [name] for [list of offenses] and [how they made you feel].”
- Destroy the list. You are now free!!! Your need to forgive others is between you and God only!
- Do not expect that your decision to forgive will result in major changes in the other persons. Instead, pray for them.
- Try to understand the people you have forgiven, but don’t rationalize their behavior.
- Expect positive results of forgiveness in you. In time you will be able to think about the people without triggering primary emotions. It means you are free from them. Old feelings may try to recycle themselves. When that happens, stop and thank God for His provision and don’t pick up those old offenses again. You dealt with it; now let it go.
- Thank God for the lessons you have learned and the maturity you have gained as a result of the offenses and your decision to forgive the offenders.
- Be sure to accept your part of the blame for the offenses you suffered. Confess your failure to God and to others and realize that if someone has something against you, you must go to that person and be reconciled.
To read more on FORGIVENESS or join us in sharing on this theme,
![[pray_button11_andrew.png]](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ttX065t8R0w/Sr4LJBvAxWI/AAAAAAAAAs4/eQvRq2oZbhc/s1600/pray_button11_andrew.png)
