CAREGIVER? ME?

* Whoa... 2 book reviews in a row! This was/is a different and difficult choice of a book to read and review, so I must preface this book review with 3 explanations to be fair to the author and her book or topic (however if you don't care just scroll down to the book and my actual review starts there):

1) I am not a caregiver currently, although my recent news and circumstances from back home in MN, may or should make me one, I am not, nor have I ever been one for either of my parents, or even in these later years, for my spouse, as he's aging, with his diabetes (which gratefully he has kept under control for some 20 yrs. and does not even need to use insulin) and now with this discovery that he is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's; he would not want me as his caregiver and more or less has told me so (and he's not even a stubborn Swede or Irishmen like my father, he's pure Mexican).

2) I am not the caregiver, gifted kind of person, nor do I possess the characteristics of one. I have the heart but not the patience and wisdom to do well. I am not of the care giver personality or type, or better said, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself. With that said, I am not using this as an excuse or a crutch, because if the rubber hit the road, I could and would. There was an urgent time in my life when I was a caregiver for my precious daughter (though adopted, she became my daughter from this experience, through and through, since I needed to learn to care for her while bedridden as she regained her capacities to do for herself.She was a tough fighter and withstood a great deal of pain and my inadequacies as a health provider, but I was more than willing to learn and put aside my own lack for her gain.) For a short time, I was a semi care-giver of my youngest brother with love and support as he battled AIDS. 

3) Most chronic or terminal illnesses, need a REAL caregiver. Alzheimer's is no exception. I am learning all I can, but once again, from a distance. These battles with health are worsened by stress. I am an easily stressed person and I'm sure I cause much stress to others. My lack, as I mentioned above, does not excuse me or justify me for being away... I just am and have arranged for others much better able; qualified and tenderly able to care to do what I probable cannot. I do battle against my own problems and those of loved ones best on my knees, giving it to God. God knows and knew long before this news, how this would and will play out and my part.

I am reading all I can on Alzheimer and now this book, made available through Booksneeze, so I had to choose it ... just from the title alone... "Caregiver? Me?" ... as if this title was designed to fit me ... I knew that whatever was shared I may need. I was determined to take advantage of this book now and read through it as if I had a deadline: God's timing. Just the right book for just the right time. I don't often choose a book from BookSneeze for such an important aspect for my personal journey, however, God has His way of putting in front of me, just what I need when I need it. For such a time as this ... (sigh) God is so good and all encompassing, mindful of every detail beyond what our own minds can fathom.

I have also read some blogs of some dear bloggers, who have also had to watch this disease rob their parent's life of so much, so I was able to eavesdrop on their experience and glean from them. But no matter how much one reads or prepares, there is nothing that compares to living and doing whatever it takes. 

Yet this is not my parent, but someone who was suppose to be my life partner, "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" under the best plan of God's. Mine was not. Only a Sovereign God can resolve or make better a relationship and a health situation may be one of the ways He chooses to do this! Totally in God's hands, whether I'm there or not, whether I'm a caregiver, wife, friend, or support ... God will use people and situations for His good! I trust that this is another one for 

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren;…" Romans 8:28

His purpose, plan and completion ... So I quickly chose this one to quickly read and review for today, knowing that it will be hitting close to home and great for future reference, ... in honor of the one I love, with HOPE for him, FAITH for our journey with God's help, and LOVE that makes all things seemingly impossible - possible.

***

by Lynda Bush

"A Caregiver? Me?" by Lynda Bush struck me right away personally with the question asked in the title, yet Lynda's shared journey is also a precious tribute to her lifelong mate as she lovingly documents their journey and his care, with a warning in the forward, that they handled his terminal illness with a "bizarre sense of humor," so that is exactly how she has chosen to write this, so if you lack their sense of humor, stop reading before you start (which I almost did and considered choosing a different book since for me, and perhaps others, this is far too serious a topic to grasp and to be taken lightly). Then I realized that this means of coping is scripturally sound (Proverbs 17:22) ... and therapeutically recommended, so I ventured ahead to read it.  Also there are many lessons learned, with the first one being for me, how indeed that humor helps blunt the anguish, heartache, pain and sadness one confronts as they embark upon this most difficult part of their journey together ending in a goodbye (but, of course, as believers, we hope, it's "until we meet again" beyond this side of eternity). A quote from another book that I decided I'd need, becomes a reality through what Lynda Bush teaches me here, "From early on, I made up my mind to do 3 things: I wasn't going to raise my voice, I wasn't going to argue, and I was going to keep my sense of humor any way I could," and now I value this in a new way, knowing the importance in keeping and doing this from Lynda's example.

There are eleven chapters in this book that cover everything from helpful tips for the caregiver, family and friends, to preparing legally, to preparing for the funeral, talking about death, facing the final weeks, even misconceptions about hospice services. Lynda Bush offers comfort and hope as she answers many questions that perhaps I would not even think I may need or ask. However, in some cases, I wish that she had elaborated more with specifics.

Although I read this in the Kindle ebook format, the image on the front of the cover of this book drew me in and definitely is as endearing as the quote from Virgil: "No day shall erase you from the memory of time" and the love in which Lynda Bush shares from their experience and journey. Who says you can't judge a book by its cover? This one captured my heart and me with respect, love and the decision to give it a try anyways. And I'm so glad that I did, because I intend to use this as a handy guide and reference in my journey, thankful to have read how someone else paved the way when they were not so sure about being a caregiver or how and even where to start.

Lynda's down to earth and also heavenly bound, knowing that each of our journeys are or will be unique. Lynda Bush has used this enormous challenge of being a caregiver to her terminally ill husband, from cancer into a useful guide for others, yet as she wrote, "a gift to her late husband, who not only taught me how to live well but how to die well." which truly is a great legacy and exactly what she has done in this brief, easy to read, short manual of "Caregiver? Me?" I know I will go back to her practical suggestions again and appreciate that Lynda included a wonderful part of taking care of yourself so you can take care of your loved one. This was not a book filled with Biblical scriptures yet spiritual in its content and is loaded with great advice. I can't say I loved this book, since dealing with death is such a bitter pill to swallow and face, yet this author has compassionately and practically dealt well with a rather difficult but timely topic: caregiving! After all, giving care is exactly what Jesus has called us to do for one another in love and then cast all our cares upon Him because He cares for us! 

Disclosure of material connection: I received this book free from the publisher WestBow Press through the book review blogger's program of BookSneeze.com  I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

THE FINAL ACT and LETTER of FORGIVENESS

Once more, I apologize that this is such a long post 

but I did my best to minimize this testimony of one

ACT of FORGIVENESS

from my life

for the theme this month at

The Proverbial Sunrise.

Love is patient and kind;

Love is not jealous or boastful;

it is not arrogant or rude.

Love does not insist on its own way;

it is not irritable or resentful;

it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.

Love bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

After mentioning this in one of The Proverbial Sunrise posts on FORGIVENESS this month that I would be sharing a special personal testimony of ONE forgiveness that meant the world to me, besides the MOST important one of JESUS CHRIST, the LORD continued to reveal to me almost daily, different times in my life when this matter of FORGIVENESS was key to my spiritual as well as emotional healing to go forward in Christ. Thus, it made me focus on at least 3 or 4 that were paramount in my life, which might mean I have much more work to do still. So I will go back to the first one that was on my mind originally when I made that remark and do my best to share this experience as briefly as I can. ("LOVE IS PATIENT and KIND") So bear with me!

As a teenager and young adult, I was very rebellious to my earthly father, which means also to my heavenly Father. ("LOVE DOES NOT INSIST ON ITS OWN WAY") I must admit that not only am I very stubborn but I'm sure I must have been a strong willed child also. Some of my rebellion was justified (of course) at least in my eyes, because my father was quite the same in nature, but he was a strong racist (we strongly differed in this) (and he let me know, in no uncertain terms that he had his reasons). God forgive him. I love my dad, he was just a little hard to deal with ...

I, on the other hand, hated the injustices and inequalities that I saw in the news or in our community or heard from my dad's opinions. As a teen, I began working in the inner city and boy, was my father upset with that ... that his daughter was going into these neighborhoods and working with the people from other races, teaching and helping them. I worked in some excellent programs of the public school district as I trained to be a teacher. I received quite a bit of flack from my dad as well as protective warnings and what he considered as good advice. ("LOVE IS NOT IRRITABLE...")

The short of this story is that I married a Hispanic, that was well educated and shared my interests, concerns and was an educator ... a great role model for me. But he was much older than I and he had been previously married. That was 3 strikes against him, as far as my dad was concerned. Without sharing many details, I was told by my father, in love, that if I do marry him, I cannot bring him home to our house. And of course, my rebellious nature, chose to exercise my free will of strong love and admiration, and I married him against my families' wishes, which means I had no church wedding or family celebration (though a few months after we were married we had our own wedding reception with another recently married couple). So on life went. I never realized how serious that decision would be in my life and how difficult my marriage would become, especially without family support. ("IT IS NOT ARROGANT OR RUDE")

Time passes and I abide by my father's wishes but holidays were so difficult. Then enters the picture, two half Hispanic children that we adopt, from my husband's side of the family. Now I really want them to be accepted and I want them to come to my family's home for all the major family celebrations. They were welcomed and accepted (but by my father, they were not really my children, though they were adopted by both of us legally). He treated them the same as all his grandchildren, he reminded me often. ("IT DOES NOT REJOICE AT WRONG, BUT REJOICES IN THE RIGHT") I know my dad loved me and our kids.

As time passes, my mother, after suffering for years with many medical problems, went home to be with the Lord...and life became more difficult for me. I found myself distancing from my husband but drawing closer to the Lord. I was very involved with church life and children activities, as I was the sole person raising our children in the church. I attended so many wonderful conferences as a teacher, parent and spiritual leader. But the first one that really began a spiritual growth and change in me, was Basic Youth Conference of Bill Gothard. I went to this because of a small group Bible Study I was attending called "Rebuilders" (for rebuilding your marriage) we went as a group. My eyes were opened to everything, but what stood out was when they spoke to the youth about asking FORGIVENESS of their parents for their rebellion and the importance of that for their life & future marriage. (gulp!)

I was brought to my knees. I knew that part of the consequences of my marriage difficulties stemmed from my rebellious nature. I knew that the root of that rebellion was directly related to my relationship with my dad. I stopped on my way home that night from the conference and asked my dad for his forgiveness. I even repeated it a few different ways and it was as if my dad didn't hear me. He did not say those powerful words, "It's alright. I forgive you." but I had done my part, I had come to him, admitted my rebellion and asked for his forgiveness. He went in his room and brought out something entirely different and I went home that night with a release in my heart but not in my spirit. ("LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS...")

Years pass, and my father is called to his heavenly home suddenly & without warning while I am in Mexico. I had received a letter from him on that day, September 13th that he had mailed to me in August. I immediately tried calling him all day, unable to reach him. So I sat down and began to write a heartfelt letter to him, not knowing that he had passed away. I wrote how much I love my dad, what it meant to me to be his daughter and how much I really needed his approval and for him to be pleased with me. Feelings I had never expressed, but needed to tell him.

The next day, two friends had been called by my husband to please notify me in person that my dad had died. They did and then they warmly offered to fly me to Phoenix so I could get a flight home but the airlines into Minneapolis-St. Paul were on strike. In a round about way, I finally made that trip home. My older sister & brother had made all the arrangements but waited my dad's wishes to be cremated until I could say my good bye. I'm so thankful and glad that they did. I read him the letter I had written him (which I still save) and gave him a hug. I was strengthened by my time with him in my spirit and was able to give the eulogy at his Catholic mass, sharing my dad's history and who he was...to each of us.

As my sister, brother and I collected all of his personal belongings and cleaned out his apartment and his earthly possessions, I was asked if I wanted our family bible. I gladly said "yes" and inside was a letter from my dad to all of us. His letter started with my mom & all she meant to him, then from the oldest to the youngest, he mentioned each one of the four of us.

When he got to me, he called me by my nickname (which he did not do before that) and he wrote that I had broken his heart with my rebellion (not his exact words) but that no matter what, he FORGIVES me. Golden words etched by his pen to me... words I had waited to hear for more than 10 years since I had asked. I was forgiven. My dad forgave me. He took the time to write those words, "I forgive my Peggy". Those precious words never meant more than that moment. I have prayed them many times and listed those that I needed to forgive and forgave, but the freedom that came with these words from my dad, I will never forget.

I treasure that letter! It's kept in my bible. This letter also confirmed to me that He knew Our Lord Jesus as his personal Savior. [He was raised Protestant and converted to Catholicism to marry my mom and he was a devout Catholic.] I needed this confirmation and this blessing. This letter is my release from a prison that was created around my life and the beginning of my healing and freedom through his forgiveness.

My dear pastor had counseled me years earlier, after my brother died and walked me through "The Steps to Freedom in Christ" by Neil T. Anderson. There are 12 steps to FORGIVENESS , a crucial part to healing. We took a list of other people that I had forgiven, prayed through each one and then burned that paper with each name. Then he told me that with this all done, now I must forgive myself. I broke into tears as we were praying and was not ready, actually I could not forgive myself... and there were many reasons I gave. (Lord, forgive me!) Bless my precious pastor.

It was pointed out to me (not by him but by another dear friend) that when we can't FORGIVE someone, even ourselves, it means that we are saying that we are superior or greater than God. Now, that certainly was not true, but since HE has FORGIVEN US, who are we to not forgive ourselves? Are we better? Are we higher than God? Are we exalting ourselves above Him? Clearly, we don't want to do this, but our inability to forgive ourselves says that ... so I was broken & I was able to come to that place of FORGIVENESS. With 1st Corinthian's LOVE, you will FORGIVE!

Have you been in the prison of unforgiveness?

Is there someone you need to forgive?

Is there someone that you need to ask to forgive you?

DO IT NOW

before you are not able to reconcile...

The release will be such a blessing!

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.

First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 5:23-24

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

James 5:16

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Added clarification note:

Oh, and actually THE FINAL ACT OF FORGIVENESS is the one that you receive from Jesus as you are forgiven by His Mercy, His Grace, His eternal Forgiveness which gives you life eternally with Him. Sin keeps you away from receiving this. Sin distance you from God. God, the Father sent His Son Jesus Christ to bridge the gap between God & man. We must admit that we are sinners daily. We need to confess our wrongs one to another. To die without asking Jesus to redeem us from our sinful nature and sin filled life, accepting His death on the Cross as payment for all our wrongs is the key to eternal life. To be in sin separates us from God. To be separate from God is what sin does and hell does eternally, prevents us from being in His Presence. It is our choice, it is our free will. But with THE FINAL ACT of FORGIVENESS on our lips, confess & receive today, forgive and be forgiven, receive the gift of eternal salvation that means not living separate from God or other loved ones, who have put their faith & trust in Jesus, for all eternity in heaven. ACCEPT, BELIEVE, CONFESS and start a fresh, clean walk forever with THE FINAL ACT & FORGIVE & BE FORGIVEN. His Letter to us is written in the Bible!