I'm sure that by now you may feel that way, if you've taken your time to follow along with this so far (I'm sorry). But I'm back to my same dilemma of "where do I begin...?" My life testimony is not so cut and dry. Maybe it is yet to be and not yet done deal. Maybe it is in the making, as I sort through my 50+ yrs. of life. That's more than 5 decades of God working on me and in me with moments that are so significant to me, but maybe not to anyone else, without THAT MOMENT of conversion that stands out from the rest of my life and says "YES" this is IT,...when your testimony begins... began... or is it yet to BE!
I have spent the last year soul searching, reading other's testimonies and the how-to's, so you'd think that I would finally have this to a fine art and a masterpiece of God's work in me; a tapestry of pieces woven together; unraveling fabric; mended; unstitched; backstitched and hopefully hemstitched... sewn together finally in one piece, much like the many MAZES I have wandered through of His redemptive story in me... so please bear with me... I promise by the end of this year (lol) this will be more clear. Much of life is a process, and we go through stages, seasons, and steps of growth; my faith has been through the same kind of a walk; yes, just like the dancers in many of my posts leading up to this:
STEPS of FAITH
I was born into a faith believing, 'church' going family, that I had always thought was 'normal', until when I look back in retrospect with many insights from others.
It was not the kind of church that I belong to now (I'm trying not to name denominations, to not step on anyone's beliefs, so I'm trying to walk carefully here-forgive me anyone, if I say things that offend you about your church. This is just for me personally, I do not intend to judge anyone or their church) so we did not sit around and read or share the Bible together, but a beautiful family Bible always sat on our living room coffee table like a centerpiece. I think I might have been the only one who sat for hours, at many different times, going through that big red book... and my, how I loved the pictures in this book from a very young age to even now, as it is my family keepsake that I treasure. I even loved the back of the book where it gave meanings for names... like mine "a pearl". I so enjoyed even the texture of this book's cover. And it was red...a very significant color, that years later, I came to learn signified the blood of Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world. I never knew that there were people, who did not know this as I was growing up and even the ones around me, who did know this truth, never spent time talking about it or singing about it or even acknowledging Him as their Savior.
Our family did say prayers together before meals known as 'grace'. Now that was an unusual way to use that word for the prayer that we would bless our food with before eating and there are ones for afterwards also for giving thanks, but we never said those. These were prayers that were rote prayers, many I remember still to this day. Most are beautifully written but I just wondered why we never shared from our own words, our own hearts. Yet these rote prayers formed a wonderful basis to build upon.
I started my school year in Kindergarten, right across the street from my house, in a public school. But then for the next eight years, I walked nine long blocks to the school associated with my church, to be trained in my faith, the disciplines and doctrines of my church. It also gave me the opportunity to meet others of the same beliefs and training and some really wonderful teachers. The added benefit was you're right next to the church, always open to you for the significant training & events that they use to mark new moments of growth and understanding (and the people who knew the MOST about our beliefs and that 'big red book').
These were such momentous times! You would study really hard and then the day would come to show how much you've grown or learned. (side note: since I was always the shortest, I was always in front, usually number one - now that really made me feel special and also, I'd better know ALL I was expected to know from their books on faith or significant people known as saints for being in front, I'd be one called on for sure). Since I was a jabberwocky, it was good that they were set answers. (I did say "was" but I guess it's "am" ... does writing that way count too?)
I might have good grades in most subjects but my conduct was most often the cause for me to be in "hot waters" at home and also cause for disciplinary action at school like at home. It never changed. Quite the curious child. Quite often the questioning one. Quite the eager one and very strong willed! Very frequently the one to shake her hand off with the answers or be talking any way. Not so much a trouble maker but definitely had moments of trouble. Many memories of these and moments sent to confess my wrongs & make them right... if you could by just repeating the same prayers. I guess similar to writing over and over the same thing on the blackboard. I wonder still about the other kids, like the one who ate my crayons with my paste; or the boys I kicked their shins on the playground because they pulled our scarves down... NO TESTIMONY or TRANSFORMATION in this part of my story.
But it was in this place, after a vocational day that I was in church and prayed to ask Jesus into my life in a special way. It was not one of those significant 'event' days, called sacraments (three of those had already taken place by this time); nor was it a day I had to be there. I had fully received and completed those stages that marked my religious growth. It was a day when I just wanted to be there. When I felt drawn to be there.
It was in sixth grade. That year, I had a wonderful teacher (a nun from the order of the Sisters of St. Joseph) that I respected and liked very well. She just had a special glow about her and I wanted to be just like her. I had already been through confession & now it was the regular weekly Saturday event. I had the joy and privilege of receiving communion of Jesus Christ every week, sometimes many times throughout the week but only once a day. I had confirmed my beliefs and asked for the Holy Spirit to teach me how to be fruitful in my faith, by my own choice, accepting the faith of my parents as my own and the responsibility of making it my own.
Yet on this day, I remember saying a prayer from my heart, not from any book or any rote form, that I told Jesus, I really want to KNOW Him in my life. Without even knowing the scripture or that we need to pray a prayer I asked Jesus to come into my heart; and shine in my life like my teacher's glow; so I could know, love & serve Him in whatever I may DO but let me be a witness to Him. I clearly remember telling Jesus that I want to know Him more, love Him more and use my life to serve Him better with my whole mind, my whole heart and my whole soul. Would He consider being my Friend and help me with this? Teach me all that I wanted to know in that 'big red book'. Yes, this is a very significant 'step of faith' in my story.
...and that was the start...
PART II
oops... it's beginning to unravel or I am
[but I am also a bit disillusioned and disappointed as I share this, please PRAY for me]
Thanks to YOU who are encouraging me through this!
