G.rieving A.nd R.emembering Y.ou

G.rieving A.nd R.emembering Y.ou (my acrostic of your name for today)
GARY

All day, I have put off writing, as I ponder and remember you this day, or might I say, lament and rejoice - can these words even go together? Can one grieve and lament yet still rejoice as one remembers a loved one? - a loved one gone too soon from your life at only 30, 4 years after our mother, 8 years before our father ... on this day ... November 2nd, known as All Soul's Day (in the Catholic Church; preceded yesterday by All Saint's Day) and in the Mexican culture Dia de los Muertos - Day of the Dead {somewhat morbid expression} however, all of this has been swirling through my head since midnight, unable to sleep once again with tvs blaring until 4 a.m. so I turn to my You Version to read what the day holds in God's Word plus two Bible studies: one in the book of Philippians and the other "Living Faith" (from some letters written in 1 & 2 Timothy; Titus; James; 1, 2, 3 John) so I think about writing a letter to you - I understand that there's healing in doing this. 

But I procrastinate and stay away from that ... I avoid grieving and even lamenting, since I am just learning, trying to focus on just remembering you, or some memories of you, with you ... pondering whether to drive out to Resurrection Cemetery, when I know that you're not there ... then I think about writing this blog and I search for previous ones I've written, knowing that many of my blog posts were 'drafted' and since this is November, often I was daily writing about something I am thankful for ... a daily challenge!

Of course, without a doubt, I am thankful that you were my brother, our youngest brother, my baby brother that tagged along often with me, although you were 6 years younger. We shared alot in common ... alot of dreams and a heart to serve people and being a teacher. You had gifts I didn't have ... yet since you have gone, I found out that some of them that I admired so in you and mom, were there inside of me too! That artistic side. So I go into my room to get my laptop & begin, I turn on the closest lamp and there it is - my greatest treasure from you {besides "Eagle's Wings" and John Michael Talbot} your painting that hangs on my wall:

[Gary's winter scene painting]

It's an original! 

It's yours! 

It's mine...

and so much like a farm down the road here in the winter

just not with the image of mountains in the background

or maybe they're just clouds that arise in my eyes

I run my fingers over your name autographed in the right corner

I am so thankful!

... as I now reflect on how many losses have taken place, even just this past month of October (my one fall month that used to be when I could enjoy the fall without recalling all the people that are gone from this earthly place to a heavenly home, as I cling to the hope I have in this but now October has become scarred by losses too). My 'grieving time' now spans over more months and my heart grows heavy and weary, if it weren't for my hope in Christ Jesus. 

I recall how I desperately needed to do something since the end of 2009, so I chose a series from Grief Share finally in 2011 while I was still in Mexico and signed up to receive emails from them for an entire year to help me deal or cope with loss:  "Journey from Mourning to Joy" (is what I called it on my blog) but Grief Share calls the study "Help for the Journey" {don't search for mine, because all 6 weeks have been drafted, but I was able to go back in the drafts and reread Day 1 of Week 1, the comments of support and I learned so much still ... } so I highly recommend going to Grief Share and also signing up for their emails, or now you can buy the book "Through a Season of Grief: Devotions for Your Journey from Mourning to Joy".

As I read and thought, I realized that God had this in mind when He guided me to begin two reading plans as a study in the book of Philippians with Love God Greatly; and "Refined -Finding Joy in the Midst of the Fire" with Carol McLeod, knowing that I needed this to help me through in His Strength, His JOY so that I might rejoice after all these years and no longer grieve.

I choose JOY (and I go back and reread another delightful reading plan for today from Jennifer Camp, LOOP author)

"Daughter, I pour my light into you. I guide you and do not leave you. I have good plans for your life. I love when you step toward Me to realize them. There is discouragement along the way-and distraction, too. But I keep walking ahead, and I reach out my hand, and I do not forsake you. I do not abandon you. The path is filled with rock that can cause you to stumble-and weeds that entangle and attempt to trip you up. But I clear the path, in the midst of difficulty and sometimes rocky roads. I clear the path. My voice in you, these whispers to your heart, my words a blade of truth that swipes away uncertainty and doubt. Walk in the way I've prepared for you, this way full of twists and turns and hills and valleys, deserts and lush mountain-scapes. I've walked this path. I walk it with you. How could I leave you? You were made for this-to be with Me, walking this path, the path we walk together. Faith is not knowing the details of what the future holds, but trusting Me to be with you in it. So keep walking with Me, in faith, along the path I've prepared just for you. That is where you will cling to Me most tightly, where you will feel my gaze steadfast upon you, when I will hold you. Daughter, I never let you go. "

God is so good, just the perfect word

I know HE has guided every thing perfectly
lines up whatever crosses my day

for such a time as this just for me
HE's so AWESOME!

"A Prayer for the Grieving Heart"  by Jennifer O. White "You are Emmanuel, God with me. Thank You for being with me now as I mourn this loss. You are the God of all Comfort and I willingly receive Your comfort now. I do not know what Your comfort will look like or feel like, but I trust it even so. My heart is broken but You are near. My spirit is crushed, but You are my rescuer. Your Word is my hope. It revives me and comforts me in especially now. My soul faints, but you are the breath of life within me. You are my help, the One who sustains me. I am weak but You are strong. You bless those who mourn, and I trust You to bless me and my family with all that we need. You will rescue me from this dark cloud of despair because You delight in me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen."

so I do REJOICE
not waste more time with the

"Day of the Dead"

which is not for believers
because of the tradition to prepare a meal
set out for the dearly departed to come back

for we believe

in

LIFE and the LIVING
our daily Bread and the Living Water

we know the

LIFE GIVER

 who can speak words

of

LIFE

not

death, despair, depression
and so can we over ourselves
over our loved ones

HE

raises

the dead and redeems

the lost

HE

breathes

LIFE

into dry bones

HE

helps us recall

the day of the

LIVING

and

our treasures in memories

as

HE

lifts our heads

giving us strength

filling us with

JOY

so

we

can

REJOICE

as we

REMEMBER

looking

forward to

what lies ahead

1 Corinthians 15:55-57

WALK On WEDS.

[changed from what I had from faith gateway to my own  so I could publish this post]

I'm taking a quiet, reflective walk today to a place I don't want to really go to ... but I have been there far too often and I must today because it is the birthday of someone that was part of my life for quite some time, of good and bad times, but no longer this side of eternity to celebrate 45 years ... by choice. I'm a bit torn on this day ... not quite sure which path to take or where to find a place of quiet or rest. 

"I'll try not to linger too long in the negative choice you made and its impact, you probably never thought about. How very sad. I still struggle with some of this with your precious family who did not deserve this like your beloved mom and her heartache. I can only imagine because I won't go there, although I have a few times only, it's much too much painful and sorrowful. I lack what I'd hope to tell her/them ... any reason ... anything. Just skeptical ramblings or untruths. Only God knows ... and only God understands this." 

I recently came across a book (that believe it or not I don't have, nor have I read it, even though I truly like the title, I'm not so sure the contents will help me). However the author went through a similar situation to mine compiled with many other tragic events ... from what I understand reading about her and the book. But even so, I don't think we can compare our pain, our losses, our grief. Each soul grieves differently. 

I was sure since I walked in the Valley last week, I had something special for today (but I lost track of what it was) and when I saw what day this was ... well, I almost did not post ... however, I knew I'd be taking this "walk" anyway alone. OK, not totally alone, alone with God, with Jesus, with the Holy Spirit ... you see I need all 3 for company this day. I'd love to "dance with Jesus" (that's why I love opening to this book's website just so I can see and imagine myself in that place). Round and round I twirl ... yes, that's how to get from "grief to grace".

Somehow, recently, perhaps in anticipation of this heaviness beckoning me once more to revisit "valleys" ... I stumbled upon another place, a faith art community with a course - a Bible-based course on "Good Grief" using art journaling. Such a wonderful idea ... for His Kingdom Come ... as I explored and learned about their site.

To me, this is perfect (although "no, I did not sign up") ... I was reminded by God how I love the Arts ... to me that is art of painting, drawing, photography, etc. but also "arts" includes music and dance for me. I recall that when I was grieving the loss of my youngest brother, who was artistic like my mom, that it was through "art" I found my peace and joy once again. What I liked best about the person whose birthday is today was that artistic ability. Yes, I am drawn to the "art" nature of people and to "those that are artistic" ... a part of me that I never developed but began to explore more and more since the loss of 3 dearly loved, artistic people. I always pushed the academic side of my education, but oh, how I wish I had developed and taken courses in more of the "arts" especially art techniques. I do believe that this would be great therapy. In fact, I'm sure it's used as therapy. 

I remember when I first came here vacationing...more than pursuing my calling, I purchased an art sketch pad and some chalk (cray-pas) and began sitting along the walls at the beach and therapeutically sketching scenes. Many of my most enjoyable teaching times were when I taught Kindergarten and drew characters on the blackboards as I told stories ... I loved craft and art projects, and decorating my classroom for opening day. Yes, art definitely is something I should have pursued more, so I'm sure that this is a good way to work through ones' grief and mourning. I love music and dance too yet for some reason this ole body is not flowing as it once did (or so I thought and loved whether I looked as graceful to others as I felt and imagined or not; I was for me and my audience of One)

So now I am off for the day to do just that ... 

not the

dance part

the

ART

part and the

HEART

{did you see that "heart" has "art" in it? plus He}
that means with "HE" Jesus  as part of the ART from the HEART  will bloom much more  GRACE in my Garden today as "I will bloom where I am planted" in God's Word and Kingdom

There definitely was a reason that God chose and gave me  Isaiah 61 and GRACE for this blog and me
GOD is so AMAZING!

{Happy Birthday Pajaro!} well, you got a Tropical Storm out in the Pacific named after you this week - how appropriate (lol)
It does not help that on July 13, 2015 one of our favorite Mexican singers known as Joan Sebastian "Jose Manuel Figueroa" departed from this world preceded by his faithful white horse 5 days ago REST IN PEACE

I am back home in Minnesota on this SONday 7/15/18 and once again remembering EMT "Pajaro", who would be 48 yrs.old today and I still can't believe, such a young life thrown away, for what? Que lastima! 

GRIEVING GOD'S WAY ~ The Path to Lasting Hope

GRIEVING GOD'S WAY THE PATH TO LASTING HOPE by Margaret Brownley and Haiku by Diantha Ain

"Grieving God's Way" by Margaret Brownley with Haiku by Diantha Ain helps lead the reader to a path of hope and healing through a 90 day devotional that starts you on the process of grieving in a healthy way; God's ways. The book is divided into four parts of healing: I. the grieving body, II. the grieving soul, III. the grieving heart and IV. the grieving spirit along with a Bible verse and devotion for each day and an inspirational haiku by Diantha Ain. My favorite part however was what she shared from her heart and in the section "Healing Way" at the end of each day.

Through the author's own personal experience with grief after the loss of her oldest son, she showed me how to grieve God's way instead of how I have been dealing with my losses, mixing some of man's ways with God's ways and not being able to let go. Weeks, months and even years go by without visible signs of improvement or change on their special days, wondering about that person. "Then one day, it happens ... we are no longer consumed by our loss and our thoughts turn outward. These are the first signs of healing." "Grieving God's Way" offers and inspires a different course of action than our society tells us that says "get over it", stuff it, forget it, suppress it, "shouldn't you be over this?", move on ...

I. Man's Way: Numb the pain  God's Way: Heal the pain through healthy choices II. Man's Way: Don't dwell on your loss. Keep busy God's Way: Slow down. Take your time. Share your pain. Heal through Beauty, Art and Nature III. Man's Way: Grieve alone * God's Way: Grieve with the help of family &friends IV. Man's Way: Time heals God's Way: Faith heals ~Margaret Brownley~

Time definitely has not healed the loss of each person no longer here in my life. Each death is different and each of us deal differently with the death of a loved one. The pain is very real. But "out of the pain comes a gift of a deeper faith" (Day 87). I have experienced death from illnesses, sudden death and the traumatic death of a suicide. Not one is the same. I felt that Margaret walked honestly through her grief and how she shared it like she "gets it". I had done many of the same things that Margaret shares throughout her book but especially Part II. I love the opening introduction of each section but Part IV's spoke the most to me from this beginning part:

"When grieving God's Way, peace of mind is the reward we receive for faith ..."

through her message to the very last words on that page

"Grief is a very dark cave with no visible way out. Hope and joy are distant memories. Faith deserts us ... We cry out to God ... We question His wisdom and purpose. This is how the spirit grieves." "Fortunately, God doesn't hold a loss of faith against us; ... This is the wonder of God's aMazing Grace." "The spirit heals when life becomes meaningful again and we face the future with hope, courage, and a more lasting and mature faith."

my spirit received the healing that flowed from these words  ... 

Thank you, Margaret!

I am now moving forward after reading this like a devotional for the past 90 days (finishing up on the exact day 3 years after my most recent devastating personal loss from suicide of a special significant friend of mine for the past 13 years here in Mexico ) with a new hope and hopefully a more healthy way to cope that will be lasting. In some ways, reading this at this point only surfaced the pain once again but this time I was able to take hold of God's truths and ways to cope and deal better. I'm learning how to embrace my grief with hope and promise, realizing that I don't have to 'let go' of the people but can express my grief in a healthier way by continuing to love them. Now I'm pressing on to learn and apply this in an entirely different kind of grief: the entire loss of our home and belongings to a fire.

The final author note of Margaret Brownley seemed to help me the most summing up her journey so beautifully and truthfully with these words: 

"Grief knows no end, but neither does God's healing." ~ Margaret Brownley ~

Grief is an inner journey and Margaret Brownley captures it and the healing necessary to start over, hold on to our memories and look forward with hope that is lasting through her words and God's Word, we can heal God's way finally through "Grieving God's Way". 
I have read only one other book that has helped me at all, although I'm noticing more and more available. I do recommend this book for those grieving and even for helping others you know or yourself to understand more completely grief, loss and a path to healing. I know I will go back often when I'm in that valley so I can lift up my eyes to the hills from where my help comes(Psalm 121)...

Disclosure of material connection: I received this book free from the publisher Thomas P. Nelson through the BookSneeze.com book review blogger's program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Thomas Nelson daily deals

• Thomas Nelson Product Page
• Amazon.com Product Page

* although I found, that there are now many sites and support groups to help us deal with our loss and our grief, I prefer to be surrounded by Christians with like beliefs.   My problem was that I am out of the country and do not feel comfortable enough to share in Spanish as I would back home. However, I was not able to talk with family and friends back home about these things, there are places you can. And for me to share with or even see the family here bought back painful memories and increased my heaviness. 

RAINBOW BRIDGE

This is in memory of my 

FAITHFUL FRIEND

 BRAVO

(who died one week ago today)

The song in this video is "Perhaps Love" being sung by John Denver and Placido Domingo
(you can go HERE for the lyrics)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoBO6kJCBvw
The original one I encountered was HEREMovie by Terri Pike with music by Kerry Muzzey 
COMFORT FOR GRIEVING ANIMAL LOVERS
A Different Grief: Coping with Pet Loss 
... and I'd also like to dedicate this toanother blog friendozJaneandher sweet friendMOGGIE

"Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....  Author unknown... RAINBOW BRIDGE  I love this quote that the video shared: "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." ~ Anatole France

HEAVENLY CELEBRATIONS & EMAIL 2 YOU!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GARY !

Though it's been 18 years in November, since you left me here and went home to be with the Lord, I can't help but still miss you a great deal! I thought it may help to write you this letter to let you know how much I love you and have needed you here to share like we use to do! I can hardly believe that it's been this long because it seems like yesterday! I don't have any photo of you in my computer but I have some from the last Christmas we shared at our sister Carol's home. However, this is not how you looked your last days!

You looked so peaceful as you laid there in a coma! I shared all your favorite music with you that week and read the Word to you! I know that your spirit received all that I was sharing! I will never forget the last visit from Renee that day, the radiance of joy on her face as she spoke to you about being in heaven and holding her baby daughter and giving her a hug from her and her daddy. She was such a special friend to you and that's why she chose you as her baby's godparent! As you listened to her talk, you seemed to be smiling. She asked me about an angel pin that she had sent you with a recent card, so we looked for it in your mail. She wanted you to put it on as a reminder. It was my privilege to attach that angel as I told you that I was giving you this "angel" to accompany your spirit into heaven and in that moment, you took a deep breath as I grabbed dad's hand and placed it in yours, I saw your spirit leave and rejoiced with tears and much heartache. I will always treasure those moments with you and having grown up with you as my baby brother. I can hardly wait to see you again with mom & dad!

I have thought of you often and your mission trip to Haiti. They are in the path of many hurricanes and tropical storms these last few years. I wish I had your pictures with me! I think of those smiling children from Haiti and Jamaica often from your trips there. I hope many know Jesus because of the love of Jesus that you shared. I'm praying for them!

I cannot believe how old you would be today! 48 WOW! How the years have gone by, but not the pain...it saddens me that you were robbed of living all these years but I am filled with the HOPE and COMFORT that you are in a much better place! I'm sure celebrations of your earthly birth are nothing compared to your heavenly celebrations!

I found this beautiful graphic of heaven 

by David B. Holeman
and a poem by David M. Romano, but did not want to mess with copyright
so please read this at: http://www.angelrays.com/plain/heaven.html
[sorry it's no longer there] 11/2/13
"When Tomorrow Starts without Me"

This HEAVENLY poem certainly touches my heart!

It is as if YOU, Gary were speaking to me today to encourage my heavy spirit!

So after reading this today, I know that you and I, Gary are not that far apart because I often think of you and know you are in my heart! 

These words give me great hope!

 "Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven." Matthew 5:12a

 "In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16a

 "I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." Matthew 16:19

 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. " John 14:1-3

 "There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another ..." 1 Corinthians 15:40

 "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." Philippians 3:20

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away ..." Revelations 21:1-4

IN ALL OF THIS, I FIND MY HOPE in CHRIST JESUS, the author and finisher of my FAITH!

My eyes are fixed on Jesus!

"Heaven is a wonderful place

Filled with Glory and Grace

I want to see My Savior's Face

'Cuz Heaven is a Wonderful Place"

(i wanna go there)

[words from a kid's song my kids sang 
when my mom was dying in '86]