STEPS of FAITH...
a LETTER from CHRIST
... a REFLECTION...
"...Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ Himself wrote it—not with ink, but with God's living Spirit; not chiseled into stone, but carved into human lives—and we publish it."
(verse 3 from "The Message")
Yes, from that moment forward, I was personally committed to being sold out and radical for JESUS! Really... everyone who knows me knows that... just maybe not "since when" however ... a question even I had... [I did not always live like I should and my choices were not]
Even though my life was filled with setbacks and some pretty major rebellions on my part, I did become rather involved with church activities and even teaching younger ones than myself as a volunteer at a very early age.
I was a rather active youth, leader, organizer, in fact I involved my entire neighborhood with everything often starting by age 10; from a morning daycare center with organized activities in our walk out basement, every morning for 3 hours for 10 cents... a day, to give the moms a break and even field trips for the entire day every once in awhile; recreational games to carnival events or shows for fund raising for causes like Muscular Dystrophy for Jerry's Kids and the JFK (John F. Kennedy) Library. I did the same kind of things in my school. As I finished my 8th grade, my parents expected me to continue as my older siblings in a private high school. I clearly told my dad that I wanted to go to a public high school with my friends so I could save money and work for going to a private college. He ended up agreeing reluctantly.
Because of going to public high school from 8th grade, I needed to go to a public jr. high school for one year also. It was in that year of transition that I hit my first setback. I was raped that summer as a young, undeveloped, naive, innocent victim... offered money not to tell. And I never did, but it was a secret that altered me for a very long time. I forgave the person and promised not to tell. I was not aware at that time, all that this would impact in my future and in me. I really wanted to forget it ever happened, as I sat in my bathroom crying, then I bathed & bathed, and no matter how long or shriveled I was, I could not get rid of that 'dirty' feeling, nor the hurt or pain. I barely knew anything about sexuality because I still had not yet developed or blossomed; nobody had talked to me about the REAL 'birds & the bees' beyond our 5th grade church curriculum, but shortly thereafter I went through the change & my sister had the honors of telling my cousin and I all we needed for taking care of our hygiene, but not one talk about the rest, except what I overheard from friends. Innocence through and through and naive, but I was still a curious one. So I researched and learned alot on my own.
In high school, I tried to be involved in all the popular 'stuff' like cheerleading, student government, clubs, dramas & musicals, dances but I also had to keep my grades up. I also was a part of Youth for Christ. My first year, in high school, I became a teacher assistant for different teachers, one of which was Spanish. This meant I kept the classroom records and helped out in the language lab.
Without my parent's approval, right before my 16th birthday, I went and got a job at a neighborhood drug store with a Bridgemann's Ice Cream restaurant part. Shortly after that, I got another job, working with Adult Ed, once a week, in the Spanish lab, probably because I knew it from helping out during the day with my classmates for our Spanish teachers.
There was a group of us that were very close to our Spanish teacher and since I was a vice president of the Spanish club moved to president, that became a very busy year. I really respected and looked up to my Spanish teacher. He was well liked by many and had a great sense of humor besides the ability to challenge each of us to attain more than just the language in our classes. He was only my teacher that first year, because he moved on to another high school in a promotion as assistant vice principal, but because of the evening Adult Ed we all stayed in touch through graduation. Then afterwards, in college, I ended up working in a program that he was the director of on the West Side, teaching English to Spanish speaking.
Our teacher/student relationship moved into a working relationship and then one of colleagues. By the time I had finished college, we were beyond that... in August of the year I graduated from college, we were married.
I have left out many of the details here. One of the main ones, is upon making this declaration to my parents, I chose to tell them alone. BIG MISTAKE. I fell apart, probably from the excessive guilt of keeping this as a secret, like so many of their family secrets that my parents had kept from us, leaving their past in the dark as well.
I ended up having a 'psychotic episode' and being placed in a locked ward 2 weeks and heavily sedated at first (I could write a book on the effects of this alone and hardly ever thought I'd share this in such a public place but I see it as a greater opportunity to profess the Jesus who saved and saves me, giving me ample grace to live my life fully for Him). These were TWO weeks that changed my life forever. Stripped me of who I was and had achieved in becoming. Took away all my self confidence and trust in myself & allowing others to control me. I fought hard to prove that I knew what I was doing; it was my parents who had a difficult time adjusting to my choice. God was right there through it all.
I read from His Word daily, mostly the Psalms. I relied on Him to renew my mind though I hardly had an understanding of all that this would entail. I was determined to not change my choice. They would see. My father told me that if it would help me to get out of this place that he put me in, then to go ahead and marry him but never bring him to our home. I definitely was a strong willed person but loved God with all my heart, trusting Him to get me out of this.
Needless to say, my parents were not in agreement with me marrying him for many reasons: he was older, Mexican American, and had been married before. They never spoke to me about being unequally yoked or any of the many other conflicts that would arise, but I was once again determined to prove them wrong, rebel to their authority over me and follow my heart or do it my own way.
[I have much to say on this topic for why people should marry the person that God designs for them with the same beliefs and fervently believe that parents should pray for their children's mates; plus the reasons to wait. Yet that is not my intention here at this point on my blog.]
I had much to repent about in that 2nd decade of my faith walk! All I will say is that rebellion is a hard root sin to uncoil and to dig up. I learned THIS through many hard lessons, by not being aware of the spiritual truths and God's order, or willing to surrender. It takes alot to break through the holds of disobedience and rebellion: many years of toil and heart aches.
Many messes that I kept thinking I could make right. I just wanted to prove for many years that I could make this marriage work, whatever it took, even when I doubted and wondered. Then I began to rebel even against my marriage and certainly the one I married. Not too submissive, right? But I kept thinking how could I submit or give up my control, especially with someone that does not know God or think that church is important or believe in Jesus.
Then I wanted to DO like all the other marriages: have a family, and that will make it right. I kept going deeper and deeper over my head, just holding on to "I will turn this around and make it right... my way." It needed to be God's way and it never was ...
How do I go back and undo all the MESSES? How do I start over again? How far do I need to go back to clean up my MESS? How many times do I need to say 'I'm sorry' and try to change?
These were some very crucial years. My mid 20s to my mid 30s were probably my most trying years of my steps of faith, changes and growths not visible to the eye and some real steps backwards when I should have been in the years of flourishing, I was in wildernesses, deserts and some very wicked places that I had no business being in.
Before we brought kids into our lives, even 13 foster kids, I learned some very important truths.You see I had been in church all these years, never missed a Sunday. I was still in the church that I was raised in, up to that point. Going alone every Sunday. It was during these years, that I went through some church changes also. I struggled with being condemned by the church I was raised in for marrying a divorced man, denied communion. So I made a transition from my 'root' church to another church of an evangelical nature and then finally one more transition to a Pentecostal church. With each of these transitions came new growth and a new level of spirituality. But it was outside of these church walls, when I went to a Basic Youth Conference, as an adult, that I learned the first truth to shake me up; and that was, how I needed to go back and ask for my father's forgiveness for my rebellion, which I did.(I have shared that before here on my blog)
I am not recommending that people need to change churches to grow spiritually. But through these 3 different churches, I grew through a new season of my life and each have contributed greatly into the person I am and have become. These church changes were not because of the church or leadership or church family, at the time I changed. I have no lame excuses. They were because of me, myself, and I, stretching and being transformed. I was seeking MORE! I was in my childhood church up until my mid 20s. I was in the evangelical church, a good 7 years and since then, I have become part of a beautiful pentecostal church. Yet when asked what I am? I answer firmly, I'm a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ, always have & always will be. I have been very blessed through each of these churches for different reasons. I grew in my understanding of my faith, the minute I started reading and searching the scriptures. Studying God's Word opened my eyes and my life. A big part of my faith walk was serving. I never stopped as I was learning and growing, I was sharing, with either the younger ones or the adults, and they with me.
It was the summer that we were going to legally adopt our two kids, a son & a daughter of my husband's niece (A HUGE MIRACLE for me) that I learned through the example of our then 5 yr.old son, what being baptized was all about. Because he decided that he wanted to be baptized in the river, with our evangelical church. I too realized that this was how I could have that fresh start in life and decided to be baptized again as an adult. I listened to him explain to the pastor about being in a new family and being adopted as I had shared with them many times that's how God sees us, and out of the mouth of this precious child, that knew no religious jargon, came these words, " it's like being 'born again'. I get a new name, a new home, a new family, a new church, everything is starting all over again. Pretty soon school will be starting. I'm a new person." And I knew deep in my spirit that is just what I wanted too. The pastor advised me that I need not, since I already had been baptized as an infant, and not to expect the Holy Spirit to come out of the heavens, like with Jesus. I chuckled and told him, "no, no way" but that is exactly what I was expecting.
...end of Part III...
(serious unraveling here, huh?)
PLEASE
STAY TUNED
(there is more)
Parts before this, laying out the STEPS OF FAITH as groundwork:
