SELFLESSNESS and HUMILITY in RELATIONSHIPS

Pastor Rick Warren had another 2 great devotions that I read and really cherish but I did not write a blog post about either (until now), because I just don't have as profound thoughts as he shared ... but, boy - do I agree!!! So I wonder why don't I have more to add? Most likely, because although I can point to the lack in the other (or others), perhaps this points to me too. I know while in Mexico, I often asked God to give me more humility, like I saw in the Mexican people, especially the women I had the honor to meet (of course, it's not every woman but more the women than the men). Ouch! Do I dare even write that ... well, I did. So there - now back to the 2 devotionals, in order:
August 3, 2022

"Healthy Relationships Depend on Selflessness"

"Selfishness destroys relationships. It is the number one cause of conflict, arguments, divorce, and even war." ...

“The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life."Galatians 6:7-8 (The Message) And after the beginning boxed quote: James 4:1 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (NIV).

August 4, 2022

"Humility Builds Relationships"

"Pride destroys relationships. It shows up in a lot of different forms, like criticism, competition, stubbornness, and superficiality." ...

“Be humble and give more honor to others than to yourselves.”   Philippians 2:3 (NCV)

I don't know if you have read these short devotionals by Pastor Rick Warren, and I considered (not really) copying it all and just adding my 2 cents after each line that strikes me (but I know better). I really do. 

Let me just add my 2 cents (and you can figure out to which part of his devotional I am referring to ...) [wink, wink] ... because when I wrote, I agree - I also might agree but have not experienced it. So, although I might like to shout "Amen" to what he shares, there are some places that I just might need to hold back, due to my inner head shaking, knowing that I've either seen or not seen this in my RELATIONSHIPS. Like the parts on the opposite of my title - Selfishness! Ouch! I swear as we get older, it seems that we tend towards being more selfish. I certainly know first-hand how selfishness destroys RELATIONSHIPS. Yet the other person, usually does not realize, admit or see themselves as selfish - in fact, they seem to think that they are very generous, giving far beyond what is deserved. Now, if we are Christians (at least in times past), you know that we do not deserve what God has given to us. Nowadays, sadly, too many are under the belief that they are privileged and entitled to more or better. [I will refrain from my views on this in our current society; but let me tell you, it's very hard for me to do this. Yet, I do not want to be like them in any way. However, that is also why there is so much destruction; too much deception and defensiveness; and way too much evil! (I should add a 'd' before that last word - devil). God help us.] There are more and more broken RELATIONSHIPS and way too much selfishness, bullying, negative remarks and comments instead of more mending, healing and positive words exchanged everywhere, but especially in social media. We have forgotten how to love like Jesus; we have forgotten how to relate or listen; we have forgotten how to build bridges and build up one another - out of our personal self-centered self (selfishness) - more of me, less to others. Whereas Pastor Rick shows us, we need less of "me" and more of "you" - selflessness - "thinking of others, more than yourself" and "putting their needs before your own". I have not seen that selflessness bring out the best in my relationship(s). I'd like to see this. I'd like healthy relationships! I'd like to be able to build trust or build back trust, but sometimes all the wishing or words just does not make it so. This does not mean that I don't agree or hope and pray that forgiveness will come in a visible way so that RELATIONSHIPS can be mended and move forward but reality is what it is. So I pray a little harder and work on selflessness anyway along with that humility. Great attributes (fruit to grow) in your life like these two, so we can build and not destroy the RELATIONSHIPS around us and the world so in need of Jesus - the real Jesus Christ and His attributes! 

You may notice that I chose to focus on the first devotional, rather than the second; but that's because I already mentioned about me and humility - it's just like me and some of the fruit of the Spirit, I need more of - like patience ... I do choose to allow Jesus Christ to control my thoughts, heart, attitude and reaction. Yes, it's that reaction that I really need His control more each and every day. Don't we all??Don't we need less reaction and more action? More waiting ... pause and let the Holy Spirit rise up and respond more Christlike (less like the d(evil)! We need to shine light in this darkness. We need to seek to be Spirit-controlled, not self and selfishly. We need to take off the spirit of pride - uproot it every time it rises up and seeks our way, like a spoiled child. We need to listen more, speak less and be ready to build, not tear down and destroy the differences between us but find a common bond ... a uniting force that Jesus Christ gives equally to each human being - one human race racing to the finish line and helping each other to get there too, together! One body under the humble authority of one Kingdom under God. I'm so thankful that we can encourage every RELATIONSHIP towards a more giving and generous understanding of inclusiveness, not being exclusive - acceptance, not more rejection and restriction. A healthy wholeness that wants RELATIONSHIPS healed and restored. Repentance and restitution to the many we have wronged. More and more aMazing Grace, like the grace that we are given each and every day! Honor others more than seeking for yourself - be humble like Jesus!

Thank you for reading! But I hope you read from Pastor Rick's devotionals to receive a message for you and yours, for hearts joined together, working to better our lives, not take away from others - in order to do this; but to find strength to build RELATIONSHIPS that will last and love more deeply (selflessly and humbly)!

Listening in Relationships

On August 2nd (2022), after re-evaluating my RELATIONSHIPs and deciding that I will start anew, with a different perspective about one of my RELATIONSHIPS (the most difficult one), Pastor Rick's Daily Hope devotional (in my email as well) was:

To Love, You Have to Listen

Living in a household with two people that are hard-of-hearing, but both have hearing aides - just don't always have them in; and also very hard-headed (meaning stubborn and set in their own ways), so listening and hearing are very key every day issues and frustrations. As I was reading Pastor Rick's words, there is so much(so you really need to read it in full if this is an issue for you, too-it's brief) but this just stands out:

... "You can hear something and not really be listening. " ...

In our case, it is both - can't hear very well, even when we think we do; and also we hardly ever listen well. One of us tries more than the other. Frequently, we just want what we're saying to be heard. Because of this, I have a notebook, where I frequently write out brief message, yet sometimes the response is long. I really try not to write at great lengths (contrary to my blog posts-lol) and really try to focus on the most important. Mostly because if what I write strikes a sore spot, I use to get pages of response. I asked for him to write those on separate pages, not in the notebook. The notebook is meant for short, informative messages. I tend to stay with that, but at times I find myself doing like he did, reacting. Since I established this written communication to avoid flare-ups or any arguments, I need to hold back often from writing, too. 

I so agree with Pastor Rick's first statement: 

"Listening is probably the most important skill in building friendships and relationships."

Both of us, as educators, were highly involved in Human Relation classes that included Communication as a large component of it (60 hours required by the State of Minnesota). This was/is a very important common interest and value for both of us (so I thought; without really noticing it was kind of one-sided - "I talk, You listen", which carries through until today). I struggle to get my chance to speak or that I won't be able to, so I speak fast (without consideration at times and interrupt) to get my part in and because of poor habit, I also speak loud to be heard. I know that both are inexcusable as bad habits of mine, which I try to work on and be aware when I am doing it. Being short of patience, is a fault of mine also. I am just saying this because I know I need to work on this especially if my emotions are involved; and that God is helping me work on this. He allows me much grace, so I, too, must allow grace.

However, the most important statement from Pastor Rick for me, that goes with this problem of mine (ours) is: 

... "Listening with empathy means you listen without interruption and you listen for what’s not being said—the feelings and fears behind the words. And you don’t need to try to fix the situation; sometimes healing comes just from someone listening! "

OUCH!!!!
This is a good message - much needed by yours truly!
Listening without listening to the other is a one-side dialog, not a conversation.Often, in my case, it's not even a dialog, but a lecture or teaching pointthat I need to hear/ pay attention.  Whereas, when I speak, I usually am expressing feelings or asking about something.
This is when a RELATIONSHIP becomes a RELATIONSHIP.When it's mutual listening and sharing.
The word RELATIONSHIP has RELATE as its root word. So "relating" is part of this -"Relate" means to make or show a connection and feel sympathy with as you identify with ... 
Make Listening an integral part of your mutual RELATIONSHIP(s)!

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A Side Note: In 2022, I have been enjoying a Daily Devotional that I frequently have shared on here - "Jesus Listens". I know and have known that Jesus Listens, my problem is to be still and know - how to LISTEN to Him. Hmmm - same problem (sigh, ouch)! I really do try to do this as well as I am working on it with the human relationships, but when I am still, giving Him (God) a chance to speak (not audibly, but by His Spirit within me), my mind starts to wander and ramble on and I lose staying focused, waiting in the silence to hear Him. I get anxious, I guess, in the waiting and not hearing. Or not thinking He will speak. Then there are times that I hear Him speaking in so many ways and connecting what I read in His Word with other devotionals and email messages - as if He is speaking to me from all sides just to get my attention. I will do better Lord! If I want to be heard or given attention, I must do the same first. 
"Lord, help me to be especially sensitive to my hearing skills. May I listen twice as much as I speak, but yet be very liberal in applying Your keys to all my life situations. Whenever You return, I pray I’ll be ready and so will my household. In Jesus name, Amen." {from a YV plan}

As I am writing to publish this, Pastor Rick Warren has finished the Awesome Families parts 1-4; and moved forward to our Relationship with God. "Becoming Best Friends with God - Part 1". I was going to wait until Friday, and give you a break in reading my posts, but I never know when something I hear or read in Awesome Relationships will inspire me to write again. Thank you for reading. 

"You Can Fake Religion But Not A Relationship"

Very recently, I read a devotional with this title "You can fake religion, but not a RELATIONSHIP", which is similar to the Christian cliché that I'm guilty of using: "Christianity is not a religion, it's a RELATIONSHIP". Once again, this stuck with me, like "Strong Marriages...", so I was mulling it over because what the devotional mentioned just wasn't enough for me. As you know, this causes me to go on a 'google search' and so I did, but I'd like to share my own opinions and thoughts about this.

First, as regards the part, "you can fake religion" ... sadly this is so true, and more and more true, in the days in which we live.  "A group of people adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices qualifies as a religion", according to an author at GTY (Grace to You), close to the definition by Merriam-Webster. I think most of us can agree with this definition. In the devotional, I think the main point was stated in the sentence: "... we can fake religion all day long and for our entire lives if we want; it's called posing." So, I looked up what 'posing' means and found: to assume a particular attitude or stance, especially with the hope of impressing others. I definitely have found this to be true in the Church, or with people faking that they are religious or affiliated with such-and-such religion, as if it absolves them from a situation or being responsible. They are very good about picking up the Christian terminology and using Biblical quotes, many times out-of-context. On one hand they say one thing, but on the other hand, they act differently - also known as a 'Pharisee' or a 'hypocrite' or as another cliché says: they "talk the talk, not walk the walk". Good at saying the right things but not behaving in the way they themselves suggest. I, even know a RELATIONSHIP that had a great influence in my life and even in the life of my children, who spoke professionally about building self-esteem and other human relation topics, but in that person's home life, or personal life, it was entirely different and esteem was lacking. So it happens in non-religious ways also. We all need to do better "to walk the talk"; and not fake it. Back in 2017-2018, I read and reviewed a book "No More Faking Fine", which we also do too often. So yes, we do and can fake religion, likewise, "The Difference between Real Faith and Fake Faith by Pastor Rick Warren, explains this. The passages in scripture given in the devotional are Matthew 7:22-23 (NIV); with Matthew 28:8-10 and Revelation 3: 20.

The second part, about faking ... a RELATIONSHIP, I think is speaking about a RELATIONSHIP with God through Jesus. A REAL RELATIONSHIP! Because in real life, I have to disagree - because I believe that there are "fake RELATIONSHIPS". In fact, I 'google searched' and right away came up with millions of results like: "20 Signs You're in a Fake Relationship" and "15 Ways to Identify You are in One". I must admit, that I have not read them (i didn't want any more ideas-lol) - I just needed verification that I was right that people do fake RELATIONSHIPS. Thus, "You Can Fake Religion But Not A Relationship" is not true completely. I have read and reread the devotional, trying to understand or find out what I'm missing, and my conclusion is that it must be referring to a spiritual RELATIONSHIP only because human RELATIONSHIPS are capable of faking a lot. "Religion Vs Relationship" clears this up much better. I really enjoy what their image quote says, because being in Church, does not mean you have a RELATIONSHIP and not always will it indicate you have a RELIGION and not being in Church, does not necessarily mean that you don't.   (especially since Covid-19) {Yes, we do need fellowship and gathering together with like minds but we still can worship, be in the Word daily, and be with God everywhere. Worship is Life. Living it.}.

Also reading a Catholic response to "Is Christianity about Relationship, not religion?" by Father Mike Schmitz, is interesting and helpful for me (having been raised as a Catholic). It gives me that perspective. 

It was even more interesting to see that the results in my initial search turns out with some other related links of Religious compatibility and RELATIONSHIP. But this opens up a whole other topic of diverse opinions and of great length (for a different time).Yet, as regards my own life, it clearly does and did impact me greatly.

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When I began writing this post, I had a different thread or purpose in mind, I started agreeing with the title, yet this is where I was led. Glad I worked through it. As you might be able to tell, I am doing quite a bit of soul-searching as regards my RELATIONSHIPS. It helps me in sorting out my thoughts to write it out especially when my own RELATIONSHIP and my spiritual life have been greatly affected; but my religious beliefs are an integral part of me. I have not always lived up to my RELIGION in my RELATIONSHIPS yet I also have tried not to be fake about either. Sometimes I am overly honest and at other times, I have not been until later. It has stained my spiritual walk. My Christianity is not fake, it is based on what I believe from the Bible and the life of Jesus Christ. For me, being a Christian means following Jesus Christ - His Way & His teachings, the best I can. I hope through the MESSES of my life journey that this blog has shared, I have begun to walk the talk better. Maybe I need to go back and read some of the articles I linked. But I choose not to be a FAKE - in my Religion and in my RELATIONSHIPS and also as Esther Fleece wrote: "No More Faking Fine ... Ending the Pretending"! 

I hope that if we have a RELATIONSHIP, you find it and me to be REAL. If not, we need to work on it, right? I know that day by day, my RELATIONSHIP with God, is vital to me and very REAL, and getting better. I pray yours is also. If not, having a real RELATIONSHIP with God, is available always. If you need help, scroll down and follow the links in "Do You Know Jesus".

Thank you for reading. 

   

Mid -year 'RELATIONSHIP' Review from Jesus Listens - Part 1

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The week of the 4th of July, I decided to do a search for RELATIONSHIP in the "Jesus Listens" devotional (since, besides having the actual book and reading it daily, I got a great deal on the Kindle ebook, which allows one to search). The search highlighted 27 references starting on January 4th through December 26th. Some of them were in the same devotion, so I have decided that I would share the key sentences from these prayers with the Word RELATIONSHIP - mainly because they focus on my RELATIONSHIP with God, which, as I've stated, has been my first and main area to center on this far in 2022. Since half the year is rapidly gone, I will continue with my God RELATIONSHIP as I expand now to those earthly RELATIONSHIPS (that I have avoided facing or working on; as to what God desires to do in each RELATIONSHIP). I hope that I will begin shifting my godly RELATIONSHIP principles to those here on earth while staying attuned to that Awesome RELATIONSHIP with God (the Father, Son & Holy Spirit) and refining all my RELATIONSHIPS to reflect the influence that God has given me.

Here are some of the results of "Jesus Listens" as regards RELATIONSHIP:

"I've discovered that You are the SomeOne who can satisfy my deep-seated longings. In my RELATIONSHIP with You, I become more completely who I really am." January 4th, Jesus Listens

"My RELATIONSHIP with You has been secure ever since I trusted You as my all-sufficient Savior. Help me remember that I a Your beloved child - this is my permanent identity." February 10, Jesus Listens

♬"The More I love You, the More I seek You,The More I seek You, the More I love You"🎝

"Telling You all my struggles enhances my RELATIONSHIP with You and creates a peaceful intimacy." March 25, Jesus Listens

"Instead of weighing myself down with matters that are not my responsibility, I yearn to make my RELATIONSHIP with You my primary focus. Please remind me to talk with You about whatever is on my mind, seeking Your perspective on the situation. Rather than trying to fix everything around me ..." March 27, Jesus Listens

"I've been learning that my intimate RELATIONSHIP with You is a powerful antidote to feelings of loneliness." April 19, Jesus Listens

"I've found that thanksgiving and praise put me in proper RELATIONSHIP with You - opening the way for Your Joy to flow into me as I draw near You in worship." May 9, Jesus Listens

"My RELATIONSHIP with You transcends all my circumstances!" ... "And help me really believe - in the depths of my being - that my adequacy rests in my RELATIONSHIP with You, Lord" May 10, Jesus Listens

"When I choose to talk with You about the situation, I'm blessed in several ways. First, communicating with You - in all circumstances - strengthens my RELATIONSHIP with You." May 19, Jesus Listens

"Knowing I'm perfectly, eternally loved improves my RELATIONSHIP with others and helps me grow into the person You designed me to be." May 30, Jesus Listens

"In You I have found Joy Inexpressible and full of Glory! Thisamazing Joy is available nowhere else; I find it only in my RELATIONSHIP with You." June 7, Jesus Listens

"An ungrateful attitude dishonors You and weakens my RELATIONSHIP with You. Help me remember that I am receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken - no matter what is happening in my life or in the world." June 12, Jesus Listens

"Help me to be joyful always and pray continually. I've learned that the only way I can keep rejoicing is to find moment-by-moment pleasure in my RELATIONSHIP with You - the One who is always with me. This RELATIONSHIP is so full of comfort and encouragement that it's possible for me to be joyful in hope even when I'm struggling with adversity." ... "Thanking You in every situation strengthens my RELATIONSHIP with You and increases my Joy." July 12, Jesus Listens

"Through spending time with You, I begin to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is Your love for me. Sometimes the RELATIONSHIP You offer me seems too good to be true. You pour Your very life into me, and all I have to do is receive You." July17, Jesus Listens

I only shared through July for now, don't want to get ahead of myself.

I noticed or re-realized how much my RELATIONSHIP depends on an Awesome God as I re-read these and made them my RELATIONSHIP prayer and also how no human RELATIONSHIP could or should compare, although we really should exemplify the beautiful concepts of how complete His Love is and no human can fill that place in us - it's meant just for God! Our expectations in our human RELATIONSHIPS should not place that person in that role or believe or treat them like they should reach or comply. After all, they're only human, and so are we. At times, our human RELATIONSHIPS have wounded us and left us expecting more; (and then others have healed us) leaving us still with residual of the difficult RELATIONSHIPS - yeah, we carry the side effects (baggage) in the next & the next until we heal. So, it seems we need support, counsel and life-changing RELATIONSHIP principles, in order to respond differently and truly transform those difficult ones through biblically-based principles as our guide; and there's no better example than Jesus!
The Bible says plenty about RELATIONSHIPS, yet too many of us hold misconceptions of what it really says and what is right in response to the many dilemmas we face. I have finally learned, after years, that I can only change myself (which is difficult enough) so I certainly shouldn't think that I can change the other one in the RELATIONSHIP, who I think should change (they probably do too), but only God can make the changes in them through His Spirit at work in them. There's nothing or no way I can change someone else. So here's where I begin on my other RELATIONSHIPS - by me CHANGING, and maybe I will Change My Relationship(s) - one day at a time, one RELATIONSHIP at a time. I want to become healthy in my RELATIONSHIPS for the rest of my life journey and 2022 will help me reinforce, remind, and renew the right and best ways to apply the knowledge to living it out better with God's help and guidance by His Holy Spirit. 
I commit to my RELATIONSHIP changes starting today 
August 1, 2022 (the anniversary of one of the RELATIONSHIPS I need to change, God willing) 
[This was a review of my readings but also of my progress. So how am I doing with my RELATIONSHIPS? God & me 8+ with OTHERS 4-...needs improvement]
So, this is just a beginning of my RELATIONSHIP review - it's the real-life review that counts the most! Jesus IS Listening, for this I am so thankful, now I need to do a better job of listening to Him. 
*** I hope you remembered that the Jesus Listen has/had this Discussion Guide available on Kindle for free. Although I have only shared the LOVE Discussion, there are 10 more: Peace, Health, Discipline, Joy, Freedom, Healing, Humility, Community, Obedience, Responsibility. Also available on the Jesus Calling website. Maybe it's time for me to do some more of this.
postdate: On August 2nd, Pastor Rick Warren's devotional -  "To Love, You Have to Listen"
[Sorry, for 2 posts in one day. I did not realize this was set for today too, because this is a little past Mid Year, which should have been a month ago, but this was a good time for me to review in this way. This post was here though since the beginning of July, whereas my 1st post today, was not and was more of a therapeutic one for me to write.]

Restoration Celebration Some Day

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{this originally was the title when I started this post} No More Anniversary Celebrations on August 1st ... For years! No surprise. An awkward moment for others as to what to say or whether to send a card, and yet I have finally become accustomed to the fact that it won't be celebrated or even acknowledged by the other half, however I still consider it a momentous event in my life. There are many reasons (that I won't go into today) but today marks 46 years of marriage, that we will not be celebrating it together. One of us, does not even think of us as being married, just living or sharing a house together, I guess out of necessity or obligation. Yes, we both have failed in many ways our married life, but we are still legally married and live together.

A few years back, after returning from Mexico, I decided I would mark this day with another reason to celebrate, or better yet I chose to go out and get me a new car. I really needed one since my 1996 Ford van barely made it home. In fact, it was loaded to the brim with some of my earthly possessions and my 3 dogs, when it broke down completely 2 hours from the border. It was the transmission, so that's a pretty big part to have to fix, but I did & made it back to Minnesota. It just was not going to make it much further. Because of this, I felt justified in purchasing a 2007 Dodge Caliber, which only made it until this past winter. But each year since I got it, I had something to celebrate on the 1st of August, my new car. When I finally took it to a repair shop, I was told it wasn't fixable and that they would not even allow or be liable for me driving it home. This sounds pretty much like my marriage. What a sad comparison! Not too many of you would compare your marriage to a vehicle. It was all rusted out underneath. So has my marriage been for many years. Underneath the main frame, the foundation of my marriage, was corroding. It never had been built solid with the necessary basics, nor was it maintained, until it was totally in a state of bad condition beyond repair and all warning signs had gone unnoticed. So this year, I no longer thought I'd have my Caliber car and the date to celebrate on my anniversary. But, lo and behold, a special young friend and mechanic, told me that he would pick up the car and tow it home to find out if it was salvageable, because he's good at restoration of vehicles. I wasn't sure about the timing or if I could ever trust it again, so when another vehicle became available that I thought I could afford, I purchased a new 2013, but not on any significant date. Meanwhile, he found out that he could, and DID restore the 2007 Caliber. I only wish the same could be said of my marriage. 

SO, Believe it or not, I decided to do a 'google search' about the celebration alone on this day ... and there were millions of results. I was shocked! The first one was from Wiki How with "12 Ways to Celebrate An Anniversary in a Bad Marriage". WOW! Many I have tried in the last half of our marriage. I was not sure if my non-existent marriage relationship qualified as bad ... or what? But I decided I needed to read this and some of the other results given. You would think by now, I might be able to come up with my own ideas on how to celebrate alone. It seems like most of my adult life, I've had to learn to substitute ways to celebrate and make this occasion and others memorable and enjoy the day, by myself or with other special people in my life, without revealing always the event or that I was celebrating. By reading through the google search results and choosing to read some, I found out, I am not alone and that there are other kinds of reasons that people are befuddled about what to do (alone) on their anniversary. Another one I found helpful to share: "Surviving An Anniversary..."

The day is still significant to me! It will always be a mark in a significant way to my life journey. I have invested many years into staying on course, or returning to the course, like the prodigal story in the Bible. I am content to no longer think that our marriage is salvageable, or believe in the happy-ever-after in my marriage. Years ago, no - decades, I decided that rebuilding takes more than one and that the term: irreconcilable or incompatible described this relationship. In fact, I concluded, what I already knew deep inside ... that it was never meant to be. Yet God in His mercy and grace, has been faithful to me, and the promise of Romans 8:28 that God works for our good in all things, and He has throughout all these 46 years of marriage and more years invested in this relationship, He will. I have seen the good and the people and circumstances that God has allowed in my life to help me through this... for better, and for worse; for richer or for poorer; in sickness and in health ... God gives me the hope and strength; the love and perseverance to press on. Waiting while God continues to work in each of us; the best is yet to be and worth celebrating, God's faithfulness and His promises of restoration. With God, through Jesus Christ, nothing is impossible (Matthew 19:26) and He, who began a good work in me, is faithful to carry it on to completion (Philippians 1:6 and 2:13), I believe and hold on to God's Promises, and await even Joel 2:25 of restoration. That's worth celebrating! 

[Why even write a post like this?]
In case, like I, someone else needs to be encouraged in their emptiness, as I was as I read Wiki and others in my search. I truly was flabbergasted. I understood the ones about spouses after death (or divorce, which is a death of sorts) BUT in a marriage struggling or bad or on the rocks, I could not even fathom that there would be much or anything. I just knew that today I needed to stop and write something - for me, and hopefully that one other who needed this hope in an endless trail of disappointment, regret, chaotic life choices, whatever hurts. God can heal and will restore, if we give it to Him (one day at a time - sometimes one second, minute or hour at a time) until the release comes and we know. He never fails, He always forgives, He is with us in the good and the bad, we can depend on Him! He is faithful! He still redeems! 

UPDATE: 

[* image - where I enjoyed my delicious anniversary dinner, with dried up flowers (dead, symbolic) I've saved since Mother's Day, but not from my spouse or our children. This is near my spot on our deck, where my new pup can join me. The card I gave him was tossed out. It was a personal note to go with a book I gave him, "Streets of God" (he did keep that). I then left on this top 10 weather day to a special lake spot a little north from here with Bella (pronounced Bay-yah), our new pup, she'll be 1 year old at the end of the month]  

FAMILIES

In the Radio Teaching Series with Pastor Rick Warren on Awesome RELATIONSHIPS,  the Message is divided into 4 parts on "Fighting for an Awesome Family". I believe we all would like to have Awesome Families - the one we originate from and the one we have as adults. I have an awesome extended family but only 2 left in my original biological family, I love them dearly, but at times, our relationship seems strained or distant over the years. So My Church Family, for many years, is the one I counted on, because 'they' (many of the members in the Church) became and were Family to me (and my kids) which exemplified the role of a good, healthy, spirit-filled family. In many ways, 'they' took us under their wings (so to speak) and included us as part of their families, showing us care and so much more. I can never adequately thank any of them, but tried to do so often during those years.Since I brought our kids to church alone and frequently throughout the week, not just Sunday, Church, for me, is/was my family. Yes, I had my biological family and a spouse, so I was not a single parent, yet 'they' nourished the spiritual aspect of family and helped us even have fun. That is the Message of today's devotional from Pastor Rick Warren: "Families Should Be Fun" - I couldn't agree more, however I realize that wasn't always the case then and now, even with our grandchildren, which saddens me. But I skipped ahead quite a few of the devotionals, so let me go back to the first devotional on "...Awesome Families" because it is/was essential to begin this part on Families. 

"Five Things You Must Learn in Your Family"
Awesome Families encourage growth

I will just list the 5, so you'll need to go and read the short devotional linked to understand them better and to get the full context.

1. You learn what to do with feelings. 2. You learn how to handle conflict. 3. You learn how to handle loss. 4. You learn which values matter most. 5. You learn good habits.

You can use this to evaluate your own family relationships - both your own personal family from which you came and then the one you were part of as an adult (created or adopted or otherwise - like my spiritual family became later). I'll just say that in both of the families, I lived with - I do not fare well in these 5 - either having learned or instilling through teaching and example. And not because I did not try. I agree with Pastor Rick's opening that "they create an atmosphere of lifelong learning." Some, I'm getting better at personally, but I'm still learning in my old age, because I never learned, nor do I think (feel) that I knew how to pass them on or function as a healthy family/individuals (at least in 3 out of the 5). I believe that values and habits were part of both families yet the question may be - how good? As in the previous "Awesome RELATIONSHIPS" of Marriage, that I do not feel qualified to write or share about - the same goes for Families.

"Fighting for an Awesome Family" Part 1 (July 29, 2022) Radio/ available as a Podcast too on Spotify or probably wherever you listen.  The other 3 parts of the Radio teaching will be on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. However, here are the devotionals: 

 

How Family Members Help Each Other Grow   7/28/22 Relationships Are a Raincoat in Life's Storms  7/29/22 Leave a Legacy of Hospitality                        7/30/22 Families Should Be Fun (linked above)           7/31/22

{I'm thinking that if you read these after the broadcast, the links may not work, because the messages will be archived, depending on when you read this. Sorry.}


[I, even include many dogs as part of our family, which you dog owners will understand. I believe that caring for animals and loving them teaches invaluable lessons on values and good habits. Yet dogs, for me (even though I've had horses and other animals, to care for as an adult) love unconditionally and they have taught me many lessons. In Mexico, for the 20 years I lived there, dogs were a big part of my life there - they were my family away from people family back home. All of those special dogs, my family for years, some since birth or soon after- so 15 years+) are now all gone, but I have the hope of Rainbow Bridge and I know that they are/have been teaching me #1 and #3, even still in their absence. I also have a beautiful Mexican (people) family that included me there. As far as dogs, I am just starting over with one, rather than 6 and also a rescue one that I share with the owner. An excellent author on pet loss is Kate McGahan (and her Jack), but of course, there are many others. Also there are great books written on Lessons Learned from Dogs ... Horses, etc. So, if humans seem to be failing you in this, try a loving pet or a good book.] 

Let's keep building (and learning) on Awesome RELATIONSHIPS!  

Strong Marriages ... part 2

I am still mulling over the devotional on "Strong Marriages..." by Pastor Rick Warren from July 26th (in my email and also shared at Daily Hope) that I posted about in my last post (now says Strong Marriages, part 1). {I even went back and added a personal part to that blog post right before the last boxes marked with an *} Perhaps this is why I am still mulling over this. And of course, this causes me to do a Google search ... Topic: Strong Marriages (defined, Biblical, etc.). I just needed to know what Pastor Rick meant by 'strong' in regards to 'marriages' since last year my One Word was Strength, and now followed in 2022 with RELATIONSHIP. There are many opinions out in search world but I also found that many changed my search on a 'strong marriage' to 'happiness in marriage' or 'successful' (good, great, etc.)- it definitely widens the search, instead of sticking to 'strong marriage'. So I pondered some more and kept some of the articles to read while noting the characteristics given for a 'strong" (successful, happy, good, great) marriage. The definition of 'strong' (16 given in Merriam Webster) does not include happy, successful, good or great, not even in the synonyms. 

The first article that is cited (in the search) is "Building a Strong Marriage" by Julie Baumgardner (October 4, 2017). Now that may seem outdated but I don't think anyone's opinion of the 'strengths" in a marriage or how to build a strong marriage becomes outdated. The key message shared on the search page had this from the article:

"Strong marriages have a balance between separateness and togetherness. These couples prioritize togetherness, ask each other for help, enjoy doing things together and spend most of their free time together."

I found this to be very interesting so I clicked on it to read the rest. Julie (the author) shares 10 strengths and 10 problems (according to a survey). I really liked her conclusion on taking time to prepare for your marriage. 

"Learn how to build on your strengths, creatively address differences and work together for the best interests of your marriage. It will probably be the best wedding present you can give to each other. "

I particularly like the suggestion and wisdom to "Learn how to build on your strengths ..." yet, although the author writes this for those preparing to marry, I believe that acknowledging the other's strengths throughout your marriage is vital also. Lifting someone up and encouraging them in your marriage is much better than looking for the negative or tearing the other one down, as time goes on when real life problems and situations arise, Godly strength is needed.  

Then I came across another more recent article (May 2020) asking what I've been pondering: "What does it mean to have a strong marriage?" from "4 Women (at different life stages) Share what Makes a Strong Marriage". This capsulizes some, but the personal stories are very interesting - worth the casual read. Good points.

"There are so many layers to having a strong marriage, and although couples can't always accomplish all of them, it may be in our best interest to work towards most of them. Trust, respect, communication, laughter, closeness, faithfulness, open-mindedness, and a will to forgive are just a few of those things."

Later, I read this helpful insight elsewhere: "There are many areas of closeness that can enhance a marriage/relationship, help it to remain strong, and help it get back on track when it has become distant/difficult." I also found in this article a list of characteristics (they call "factors that contribute to a satisfying marriage/relationship").

In the various articles of my search, I found these characteristics to be the consensus:

Communication (good, including listening)

Commitment

Respect 

Companionship

Honesty

Compassion

Consideration

... and the list goes on ... with LOVE, Patience, Responsibility, Willingness/Ability to Compromise - but the ones that stand out the most to me are:

Spirituality and Values; Empathy and Sensitivity; Ability to Deal with Crises and Stress (many of these were part of the article:"12 Characteristics of Successful Marriages" by Natalia Walcott, which mentions some really good ones, not listed). There's also this good article "12 Practical Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship..." - both are very insightful. 

As I reflect on some of these articles and the characteristics mostly, I realize what I have (we have), what I thought there were (when we first married) and now what exists ... and I have to emphasize the 1st part I shared again: balance and building on your strengths [the 1st 2 boxes have the full quotes]. However, the biggest struggle in my own marriage was my own misunderstandings as regards his spirituality and my own. His humanitarian and educational concerns I thought we shared in common as a Christian bond of our beliefs being the same, but I confused what I saw with what I wanted to see or be. He described what he wanted from (with) me as being authentic. Again, there was a discrepancy. Those values are bigger than what is seen on the surface. Those differences or misunderstandings added to so many other problems we faced. However, he has strengths and I have strengths ... and these many years later they don't hold up to the many faults and failings in our basic relationship, and that is why the ability to deal with situations (not just crises and stress) with respect and love honestly in good communication and consideration, all are essential to build a "strong marriage". I don't differ with the characteristics given in any of these articles. Yet, having strengths and weaknesses as humans, we bring these into any relationship and we need to accept that they do exist and allow grace. Much grace. Having strengths is not the same as being strong individuals or strong willed or strong headed. We bring the good and the not so good with us into our relationships. As I stated back in part 1; the part on "fighting for an awesome marriage" that the 'fight' also means the struggle to endure as we(I) put forth a determined effort - too often we give up in the struggle or the weariness or the difficulties, but it takes forgiveness and God to move beyond all the struggles and failings of each other. Both sides have frailties that hinder building or rebuilding - it's in our natural personalities and character. But God! Only with surrender and help from God, do we arrive at becoming stronger or a strong marriage, moving forward. 

It isn't easy to have a STRONG MARRIAGE. You may not agree with the other about what that even is ... you may not agree with me, however STRENGTH from God, through His Spirit, by Jesus' beautiful example and teachings can restore any RELATIONSHIP, if their is a willingness to listen, compromise and rekindle love. Without love, it will seem hopeless. Without God/Jesus; love is not seen the same way. Without hope, there is more and more hostility and futility. Without Jesus (no Jesus ... no peace) there are constant unresolved conflicts, but if you Know Jesus, you will know Peace. And His Holy Spirit will guide and lead you closer, give you hope and rebuild the main foundation in Christ. That's when it's strong! 

Today, Pastor Rick Warren is finishing with Part 4 of Fighting for An Awesome Marriage if you are listening online at Daily Hope. However, yesterday and today in his devotionals he has moved on to the FAMILY. 

Five Things You Must Learn in Your Family, July 27, 2022

How Family Members Help Each Other Grow, July 28, 2022

The You Version reading plan, Awesome Relationships, as I mentioned already does not sync well with this study, even though they are both with Pastor Rick Warren and I must say that the reading plan has some very insightful devotionals. They certainly relate to the Daily Hope devotional and study & add greatly! I already linked to Day 2 at the end of my previous post because it was the BEST!

Here are Day 3, 4, and 5 of the 10 given in the YV reading plan: 

Day 3 Love Build Relationships

Day 4 Less of Me and More of You

Day 5 Love People by Listening

'You Can't Love People Without Listening to Them"

Strong Marriages ... part 1

"Strong Marriages are Good for Everyone"  is part 2 of Pastor Rick Warren's Daily Hope message on "Fighting for an Awesome Marriage". I read and reread & listened to this, and I am the least likely person to write or comment on Marriage - strong or otherwise, even though I have been in this RELATIONSHIP for 50 years & as a marriage, it will be 46 years. Sufficient to know or I still really do not know, yet I wonder how many marriages are like this. As I read Pastor Rick's daily message email, I had many thoughts to insert as comments, so I decided to do so in a blog post. If you have not read or listened to pastor Rick's message, I suggest you do that first in full context before continuing to read here. 

I will start out with what the image says that "God uses marriage to perfect your character" {... ain't that the truth?} (lol) However, I would like to rephrase this quote to include all RELATIONSHIPS that God uses each one to perfect your character in some way - not only in marriage. Pastor Rick has done a great job in including and pointing out how other relationships do also. And I agree - that in every stage, single to married, God will and can use other people to build your character. Clearly, all relationships impact your character to the good or not, build or destroy parts of your character. This I know from a lifetime of experiences! So this quote strikes me even more -

"If you get married, no relationship will have a greater impact on your life."

Pastor Rick has so many good points in such a short message!

It's at this point, I will leave his main message and ask what came to me ... if "Strong Marriages are Good for Everyone" then, if or when you do not have a "strong marriage" and it is lacking or weak, this would mean that this is not good for everyone (and as Pastor Rick mentioned briefly in his second paragraph ... "When marriages and families weaken, cultures decline.") In fact, he does write before this that ...

"Throughout history, marriage has been the fundamental building block of every society and culture. When marriages have been strong, nations have been strong. ..."

This is my concern, looking at the world (our nation) {and even personally at my lifelong marriage that has not been "strong" (healthy, functional)} we have not done well in building strong marriages and families, or passing on an example to follow. Currently, we are witnessing the destruction in our nation. We have not been a very good example in showing how to love.{sadly not even in the church} Relationships are so interconnected, and yet we have still not stopped being selfish or show that we realize it's not all about us, as Pastor Rick wrote about "maturity" (5th paragraph). What we need to know and show is how to love and serve rather than be self-serving, as far too many are right now in our country. And it starts at home, in our families and relationships built.  This is why we fight. But we need to be fighting to build - not tear down. (Ecclesiastes 3)

Building or Fighting for an Awesome Marriage is "fighting the good fight",       

(1 Timothy 6:12) not the kind that is stirring all around us. We have forgotten how to love as Jesus, to be inclusive rather than divisive, or exclusive, we've forgotten the basics of love. (1 Corinthians 13) Our character is lacking. I'm thankful for the good people that have good character. The problem is that we see too many lacking good, strong character and morale fiber. We need to develop and grow up much better than we are doing or showing to others, whether it's our spouses or our families or our communities or the world. Fighting, does not just mean in a physical, violent way (as we see far too much of this in society nowadays) ... it can also mean to struggle to endure; putting forth a determined effort (we need more of this)! 

* My marriage may not be strong, but it is a RELATIONSHIP of 2 strong-headed individuals (God is breaking that in at least one of us that surrenders to Jesus daily). Back in the mid 80s, I fought for ReBuilding our marriage in a small group called ReBuilders, but you can't rebuild alone, at least I couldn't. I fought hard for my marriage early on, because I wanted (needed) to prove to my parents it would work (pride - broken) and then later delivered from my rebellion to my father (& asked for his forgiveness). I fought hard in the 80s for my marriage because we were blessed to be able to adopt two siblings of 3 and they deserved a home with two parents and a family. I was determined (pride) to make wrong - right. Years later, I gave up. I was tired of the unhealthy control. I surrendered (but not to my spouse) to God. Again I was determined to be free, Spirit-controlled, yet I must not have done that right either. It's been a continual daily surrender, to crucify myself to allowing God to work. Some days, I succeed, some days not ... really I should say, some days, God succeeds with me. (sigh) That old flesh takes long to die. I left (ran away) from what I could no longer deal with and returned later. However, the situation and the marriage has still not healed. I gave up fighting for something that really never should have been. I repeatedly have asked for forgiveness, yet have found & received only God's. I live continually paying the consequences for a very wrong choice and decision, made for a lifetime, but with many transgressions. I press on, trying to do my best, but that will only happen when I allow the Holy Spirit to control and help me daily. Not on my own, not by sheer will or determination. I need God and God's wisdom each day and his direction.*

 These final words of wisdom from Pastor Rick would benefit all of us to heed:

"If you’re married, the number one tool that God uses in your life to build Christ-like character is your spouse. Every day you get hundreds of opportunities to think about the other person instead of yourself."

"Excel in showing respect for each other so that you grow to be more like Christ. It will lead to a stronger relationship for you and a stronger society for everyone."

Let us learn to strengthen 
ALL RELATIONSHIPS
with more of the
Character of Christ!
Too many of us have forgotten -
Jesus Christ is gentle, compassionate, kind!
HE PUT US FIRST
as HE GAVE HIS LIFE for us
completely selfless!

I need to learn how to build a strong marriage, one with the character like Christ, but marriage takes two working together. Or else it doesn't work, it just exists.
God is not finish, please say a prayer.

And DAY 2 of Awesome Relationships by Rick Warren at You Version has a very valuable devotional with great insights to"Be Courageous in Your Relationships"

* returned and added this part *

"Positive Prayer Makes Strong Relationships"

starting * today

However, back in my 2016 emails from Pastor Rick Warren & Daily Hope, I came across this title "Positive Prayer Makes Strong Relationships" (which I almost added to my Sunday blog post, but it already was long enough, but I did mention it. It's day 8 in YV plan). As I begin "Awesome Relationships..." I felt this was the best place to start - with prayer. 

Pastor Rick share this scripture verse:

 

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1:9-11 NIV). "

and then asks

"I want you to think of somebody who irritates you — maybe somebody you’ve got a strained relationship with or who just rubs you the wrong way. I have two questions for you: One, do you pray for that person? Or do you just complain and grumble and nag and nitpick? If you prayed more, you’d have a lot less to grumble, complain, nag, and nitpick about. It’s your decision."

I have a person in mind, surely you do too. {c'mon at least one}. 

The key part of this teaching, for me, is the following, from Philippians 1:9-11:

... "From these verses, we can learn to pray for the people in our lives in four ways: Pray that they will grow in love: “This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight.” Pray that they will make wise choices: “... so that you may be able to discern what is best ...” Pray that they will live with integrity: “... and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ ...” Pray that they will become like Jesus: “... filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.” Pray these for yourself and anyone else in your life, and watch how God turns around the relationship you thought was hopeless. Nothing is impossible with God!

Here are a few sites with helpful prayers to start you off praying:

"7 Prayers for a  ... Relationship"

"10 Healing Prayers ... Healthy Relationship"

"... Prayers for Relationships"

Positive prayer and declaring biblical truths over our RELATIONSHIPS is a great place to trust God & release all RELATIONSHIPS into God's hands & direction.

{So I ended up ordering a used copy of this, but it doesn't arrive until August 1-7 ...}It's a good gift to myself if it arrives August 1st.

Series Summary:  Message 1: Fighting for an Awesome Marriage (4 parts)
Message 2: Fighting for an Awesome Family
Message 3: Making Friends for Eternity
Message 4: What Destroys Relationships and What Builds Them
Message 5: Finding the Love of Your Life
Message 6: Becoming Best Friends with God

* I may be wrong about Pastor Rick's Daily Hope starting this one today.

I will try and let you know in the comments or right here. 
I had received an email (June 25) mentioning this starts July 25th onDaily Hope, as July Preview Studies. I hope that it starts today & I'm right.
It's OK, it does start today! 
Awesome Marriage Messages
Marriage is Meant for Connection 7/25/22
Strong Marriages are Good for Everyone 7/26/22