STEPS of FAITH...
a LETTER from CHRIST
... a REFLECTION
2 Corinthians 3:3
(The Message)
says:
... Peggy
your very life is a letter...
your very life is a letter...
that anyone should be able to read
by just looking at you.
Christ Himself wrote it ...
Yet after the legal adoption of our kids (mid 80s), my life became more of an inward journey and the distance between my husband and I grew further apart. I began to question why I had involved two more precious lives with my MESS. However, I convinced myself and believed that their lives would be and were much better off with us, than if they had stayed with neglectful parents, who put their own needs & habits above the welfare of their precious children. I love both of them as if they were created within me, because it is so true, the poem that says "they may not be flesh of my flesh, ... but still miraculously our own,... they didn't grow under my heart, but in it". My heart is ever full of love for each of them... completion of God's love for me and my heart's dream. They did complete me and I only wished that I had completed them as much, but I was hurting. Our son came to just stay with us, at first, hoping that his mother could get her life together. The county came in and took all 3 away but their mom had a couple of years and some requirements to fulfill to get them back before we could adopt them. She stayed in touch by phone and mail but they got less and less. Finally she did the ultimate sacrifice (at least that's how I explained it to her children), she released her parental rights so that they could have a new life and chance. Just like Jesus, she loved them that much.
The miracle for me was that, not only were we given custody of our son, but shortly thereafter the opportunity for his sister,too. It's was a two for one miracle. God had truly seen a contrite heart and me, our children were His confirmation to me, to help heal and to bless me with a new chance to redeem my life. I promised my husband that he would not be sorry for this. I might have failed him as a wife, but I would never fail these children, who needed a home, where their little lives would be a priority and I would not fail as their mother.
Now this is where we continue from Part III when we (my son & I) were baptized.
Shortly thereafter, we went to court, after having our son & daughter with us as custodial parents for 2-3 years. We even had the option of having their oldest brother join us, but he was in a home with a family that wanted to adopt him and he would be their only child. We felt he needed this along with his psychological counsel where he was already in need of and getting... (my husband did not really want kids (remember?) and 2 were much more than he was thinking, but I know he fell in love with our daughter, as I had our son, and they were perfect for us). But sadly for their brother, his parents adopted another child from another country (I'm sure that they thought this would be good for him) and it was his great loss.(Now from hindsight of mine) I would say that we should have included him and not just stayed in touch, because it was detrimental to him... however, having 3, would have been detrimental for them and me. Far more than I could handle, mostly alone, even though their uncle, (their adopted dad, my husband) was with us, he really wasn't... he was a workaholic and isolated himself when he was home. [Not sure that he'd admit either]. Actually, to be more fair, I should say that he was very dedicated to his profession, career and "doing good" and he did. But not with us. He did not go to church with us, he was not their for meals. He was not there for us. Yes, but he did provide ... and I guess I'm thankful for that. (Forgive my words here if they sound harsh but they are the truth)
During this time, I had just returned to school for computer training but had to let programming go and come home to be a mom. I was so thrilled to be a mom and I also was involved with the evangelical church, women's Bible studies and co-directing/ teaching in their children's Wednesday night program. It was also during this time that I became part of Women's Aglow so that I could learn from other Christian Women. I enjoyed myself so much with these women who became dear friends and their Aglow monthly newsletter was my contribution to our local group. It was via Aglow that I received my first personal word from the Lord, given to a wonderful woman of God, Ruth Olson, in a vision for me. Now this was in August, over 20+ years ago, yet remains fresh in my mind, although I have it written out, it is not here with me in Mexico so that I can share it all. I just want to share a few of the images so you can see God's sense of humor towards me at this time: freshly trimmed toenails, a beautiful garland crown of sweet smelling white baby roses; Joan of Arc; straight path; with Psalm 91... parts (that is also one of my favorite Psalms to pray); pearl (the meaning of my name); then in another one: me fallen off a tricycle and an ice cream cone. Go figure. I am so glad that I had a few of these precious women to help me through these years and pray with me.
The following year after our children's adoption, my dear mother died, right after I had just sent both of our children off to school(K & 1st grade) so I could go back & restart my career in a nearby school district. I was glad to see my mom's suffering end, but the year afterwards, I could not deal well with this on Mother's Day. My memories of being at her deathbed with my dad, my sister and one of my 2 brothers, struggling and gasping for air, was not the final image I had wanted of my mom. It was beyond what I could cope with thinking of it. Shortly thereafter, my youngest brother became HIV infected, lived with AIDS for 3 more years before I had to watch him die as well. I was so close to him, we shared everything since he & I practically grew up together. We were the closest. I was the only one, at first, with whom he shared this part of his life, as well as his plans for his funeral & dying wishes. I stayed with him his final week in a coma, listening to his John Michael Talbot and music, reading God's Word, speaking truth into Him. This time I witnessed a peaceful departure of his spirit with an angel as I placed my dad's hand in his, I felt his spirit leave in his last breath.
I did not have the spousal support I needed during these times, but I know that my intimacy with God exceeded all expectations & grew with leaps & bounds. I heavily relied on God to meet all my needs & He did and still does. God was my support and His role became one more like my spouse. I went to Him for everything. I clung to His every WORD ...
I also read as much as I could from so many great authors... I listened to as many great teachers and speakers and preachers as I possibly could... I filled every waking moment with PRAISE & THANKS & deepening my time with Him through His Word & songs... I was searching for MORE to fill me and HE did ... It was at this time, I made my transition to my current home church ... a pentecostal one.
At first, I only went there to bring our kids to attend, because they did not go on vacation in the summer from God and I discovered that they had an excellent children's pastor and ministry. It surpassed what I had known and seen up until that point. This was very important to me since our children did not have their father guiding their spiritual life or take part in church. That was my sole role.
... I wanted MORE of what the people and this church had, especially for our kids, but I soon learned it was for me too ... As I waited out in their church parking lot during VBS (vacation Bible school) that summer, God was speaking & then "they"(the church) embraced me, accepting me, & inviting me to be a part. They even wanted me to teach a VBS preschool class, without knowing any more than I was a teacher and a devoted Christian. One person who knew me filled them in.
However, within less than one year of being at this new church, travesty struck me personally once again (I was raped in our home) followed by my youngest brother's death the next year. I really was a 'needy' Christian, not just in need of a Savior, but His Living Spirit breathing in me, filling me, giving me His very power to overcome, live, thrive...
...end of Part V....
